


Harry James Crowley

by redsprite



Category: Good Omens (TV), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Accidental Child Acquisition, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crowley adopts Harry, Hell isn't thrilled either, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Other, and sirius, at some point Crowley will have to deal with a lot of Warlock feelings, but come on it's cute, don't ask me, for those who care about swear words please be warned, he's trying not to, in the meantime Uncle Hastur, of course, of course Aziraphale gets roped in, of course it did, of the Dursley kind so it's not great, that happened, that happened too, the wizards hate it, we have a Sirius and a Crowley now, wont raise the rating for a swear word or a stray penis mention, words will happen, ymmv
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 14:20:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 48,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19975489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsprite/pseuds/redsprite
Summary: Of course Crowley didn’t go around planning to steal any kids for himself. Not per se. When they’re an adorable little parselmouth and a badly behaved mass murderer though, and when snatching them up will sow chaos and disruption in the wizarding world, what’s a self-respecting former nanny demon going to do except his worst?





	1. Snek and Parselmouth

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. I don’t know what this is. This certainly refuses to take the shape of any kind of story. I just really really like to ramble about snek demons and their little parselmouth kids, I guess, and Sirius sniping at Crowley is also always nice. Also, I get to write some Aziraphale-Crowley bickering. And Uncle Hastur.  
> Takes place roughly a year before Armageddon, and a year before Harry will get his Hogwarts letter. Might change the timeline. I try to keep it GO canon compatible as far as I can, but there’s not too much I can do about HP canon, I guess. Where will it go? Where will it end? I have no plan. I’ll be as surprised as you, dear readlings.  
> I apologize in advance for all the Parseltongue, I love writing it so much. For those who find it hard to read, I'll add an English transcript at the end of the chapter.  
> Anyway, hope some of you out there like it. I write this mostly to blend out what a dramatic shit my body has been lately, so I hope some good time comes off it for someone. I certainly had some nice ugly cackling going on while writing this.  
> So, off you read, have fun!

Crowley always read the Infernal Times, the best newspaper for gossip and sharp political commentary from Hell. It contained so much entertaining nonsense, and his subscription was free.

Those two things were related. The middle pages of the IT were always about curiosities on Earth, and very often, Crowley submitted suggestions, or photographic evidence. And sometimes, he was asked for his expert advice for an article.

Of course, he didn‘t always tell them the truth. He was a demon, he wasn‘t supposed to. Also, it was more fun this way, and Crowley also wasn‘t stupid enough to make himself easily expendable on Earth by educating other demons in the Earthly Ways. He preferred they learned Earth the hard way. If necessary, he made sure it would be hard enough by calling in a favour from the angel, but he hardly ever had to bother. Earth had a reputation to be harsh on demons for a reason and Crowley liked it that way. Never too many other demons getting in his way, except of course Hastur who could never take a hint.

His first impuls upon hearing the newest story the Infernal Times had dug up was to deny it. But he hesitated. It WAS interesting. Because it should be impossible.

But the demon Penemue, editor-in-mischief of the Infernal Times, had a knack for good stories. And Crowley would have been hooked on this one whether it was true or not.

"Wow,“ he said, "Parseltongue? A child? Really?“

"He must have demon blood in him, somehow. Are you really sure you haven’t spawned a little half demon here and there?”

“If I had, I’d know about it. It’s not mine.” Crowley hissed those words a bit too sharply, he realized. He didn’t like them.

"Bless! You were our last hope. We tried to find him and check on him, but he seems to live under magical protection.“

"Fucking wizards,“ murmured Crowley.

"Well, if they think they can take a demon child and hide it from us, they‘ll be in trouble. Right?“

"Right,“ murmured Crowley, and he realized how much trouble he was in. Either he‘d have to go up against wizards which was always a nuisance and a laugh for the other demons, or he‘d have to watch some stupid demons get discorporated in messy ways and THEN go up against wizards.  
He would have to do something, and do it quick. Before his superiors were involved and got all kinds of ideas about how he should deal with this, which usually was just too much work.

"Guys,“ he said, "I think I know how to find that kid.“ He had no idea, but he needed to sound believable. The guys at IT liked him, he had to bank on that, but it couldn‘t hurt to sound like the expert they took him for. "Let me look into this story. Hold back the article a few more days and who knows, it might turn out a really big story.“

"Heaven, Crowley, if you can break the kind of security they have put around this kid, I‘ll name my left asscheek after you. This kid is better protected than the Antichrist.“  
Crowley grinned. He very much wanted to turn down the offer, but he couldn‘t bring himself to.

"It‘s all about knowing who to talk to. I hadn‘t made it on Earth for this long if I didn‘t know how to talk to people. And Penemue, I‘m personally going to tattoo my name on that asscheek if I find the boy. Do we have a deal?“

The demon who had once fallen for teaching humans how to use ink and paper, and wouldn‘t dream of changing his name after the fall because he was still proud of that, laughed. "Deal.“

"OK, give me all you have on this.“

"Sure. And Crowley… are we absolutely certain he‘s not going to be that snake clown from a few years ago? You got a recommendation for his rise, and never been able to explain his fall.“

"Wizards and witches is all the explanation, and I‘ll bet they‘re behind this one too. And my guess is we’d have heard of more interesting things than talking to a snake if it was him.“

"Well, you’re the expert. Keep me updated.“

\--

Crowley liked the story less the more he thought about it. He read through the draft of the article, and the sources the IT had included.

A young schoolboy had been hissing at a snake in a zoo, and set the snake free. No one of the zoo remembered the incident, the Infernal Times had had to find other visitors who had seen what had happened. Memory control. Very suspicious. Also proof that wizards and witches were involved.

And no one had been able to trace the boy ever since.

A parselmouth? That Crowley had never heard of?

He didn‘t like it. Not at all. Not because he thought that Riddle would be back. If he would, “fuck wizards” would have been the title of every IT article ever since, and the whole Hell would make fun of him again for the snake thing. He was infinitely grateful that he hadn’t even been on the same continent when the Rise of Riddle had been a thing.

No. It wasn‘t Riddle. But what was happening?  
Time to go to the zoo.

By talking to the right people, Crowley of course thought of the right species of people. He asked the snakes in the zoo‘s reptile house. And the snakes were excited about that kid, and couldn‘t shut up about it. He got vivid descriptions of the boy, and his voice and intonation, and a good idea what happened.

The best account came from the Snake of the Day who had been talking to the boy, because he had also had a good chance to smell these people when the glass of his terrarium had vanished.  
Every one of them, but especially the boy, had a unique smell, a bad smell.

The Wizards had been thorough with dulling down the incident in the zoo staff‘s minds, Crowley didn’t find a single zookeeper who remembered anything. But the wizarding world had a technological understanding that lagged even behind Aziraphale‘s, so Crowley was not surprised to find the security footage still intact, and it took him only the slightest amount of persuasion to make the zoo director‘s secretary show him an email about the incident that mentioned actual names and phone numbers. The secretary was obviously very lonely, and also pretty knowledgable about the zoo, so Crowley took him out for lunch to show his appreciation for a cooperative attitude, and didn‘t regret it.

Now he had names, a phone number, an email address and a license plate. In no time he had the address, and was on his way.

\--

Finding the right town had been the easy part. Finding the street was impossible.

He drove the Bentley according to a map, then to a navigation app, then just randomly. He couldn‘t enter the street. What was going on? Wizard magic usually didn‘t affect him much, but there were always some high-powered spells to avoid, and this whole town, and especially this one street, were heavy with magic. In passing, he would have pinned it as just another wizarding community and avoided it, but the people in the streets wore the usual, not wizard clothes, and even more telling, electronic devices and modern technology were everywhere.

What had they done to hide the boy? He left the Bentley at the hotel and tried on foot. He had a feeling that he got a bit further in the right direction, but that was it. There had to be an actual dimensional twist here, but then why were the people who lived here unaffected, and he was?

He bought a map of town and marked all the point where walking ahead proved unsuccessful.

Ha. The marks circled more or less around the house he was looking for, and the closest school. So.  
Someone had vanished the kid from prying eyes, includeding demon eyes. Interesting. So whoever hid the kid had ties to hell, strong enough to ask for a rather big favour. Or ties to the other side, but anyone there helping wizards with magic would owe the wizarding world an even bigger, colossal favour.

There were other ways he could try. Maybe he couldn‘t go to the boy. Didn‘t mean the boy couldn‘t come to him. He wasn‘t the demon of temptation for nothing.

And so began the snake sightings in Little Whinging, a huge snake, apparently, that people saw at all times of the day, and seemingly at random, although the snake seemed mostly to hang out in one part of town. One that, say, a child coming home from a certain school, could easily make to detour through, if said child was, say, interested in snakes.

Crowley enjoyed the occasional screams, and stoically endured the suicidally brave who tried to poke or whack him, and only lazily slithered out of their reach, instead of biting them like they deserved it. But he was a kid-friendly snake. No biting incidents whatsoever.

Honestly, he was a bit insulted that the official answer to the complaints from citizens was only a very lackluster search by the local police. He sat on a bench, in human form, with a newspaper and a cup of coffee, and ignored them.

This hiding in the open almost became his undoing when all of sudden, a smelly boy with a school bag stood before him. He hadn‘t seen or heard or smelled him coming at all, and only registered him because the kid directly looked at him.

Small, slight, glasses, messy head of dark hair, smell. That matched exactly the description he had gotten at the zoo. Maybe eight to ten years old, wearing oversized clothes, heavens what was that smell?

**_[Author's note: if you find Parseltongue difficult to read, you can jump to the end of the chapter and continue reading from there, there's a plain English version]_ **

The kid stared at his belt buckle, which had the shape of a snake.

"Do you like ssnakess?“ he asked the kid, in Parseltongue.

The kid neither flinched nor took notice of the oddity, he just nodded and replied in the cutest Parseltongue Crowley had ever heard. "Yess, I do.“

It seems like the kid couldn‘t tell Parseltongue from human speech. It was adorable. Crowley found a smile on his face, not sure how it had gotten there.

"I alsso like ssnakess very much. Are you probably looking for a big ssnake that‘ss been sseen around hhere lately?“

The kid nodded.

"Whhy? Whhat do you want to do with a big ssnake?“

"I don‘t whant to hhurt it,“ said the boy quickly. "I‘d jusst like to ssee whhat kind it is. And maybe talk to it a little.“

"I thhink I can hhelp you there,“ said Crowley. "I thhink he’ss around hhere ssomewhhere. You’re not afraid of big ssnakess, hhuhh?”

The boy shook his head.

“Sso you’re not going to yell, or make any rashh movementss, or try to run away then?”

The boy shook his head again.

“Ok, then ssit withh me a bit. I know this ssnake. I thhink hhe’ll be very curiouss whho’ss with me and come to hhave a closser look.”

The boy sat next to him without hesitation, putting his schoolbag next to him on the bench, but not in between them. He was small, cute and trusting, believed every word a stranger said. Crowley felt very protective of him all of sudden. He was proud of his skills as a tempter, but it didn’t feel good if it was this easy. Well, maybe it was the Parseltongue that did it. Crowley would definitely keep it up. Not that he would have much of a choice, in a minute or two.

"Ssit sstill now, and don‘t move. Hhe can already ssmell you. Whhen hhe comess hhere, talk to hhim like you talk to me, that‘ll interesst hhim. Remember, make no loud noissess, and no rashh movementss. The ssnake is big, I promisse hhe whon‘t hhurt you, but sstill better not to sstartle him.”

"Hhow do you know it‘ss a hhe?“

Crowley smiled. "Hhiss name iss Anthhony.“

He put his newspaper and coffee down, and then took his glasses off, still smiling. And without a further word of warning, he transformed into his snake form.

The kid, to his surprise, neither screamed nor ran away. He just sat there, his eyes as big as saucers. Unfortunately, he didn‘t talk, and even though Crowley could see him clearly, he started having doubts again. The protection spell tried to hide the kid even from his snake form. Well, same eyes, no wonder. He needed to talk to the kid.

“Hhello, kid,“ he tried. “Nicce to meet you.”

The kid needed a few moments, but he didn‘t run away, so Crowley waited patiently. He tasted the air once or twice, but ack, the kid was smelly. The smell was a lot harder to doubt, so if the kid wouldn‘t talk, Crowley would have to concentrate on the smell. He‘d never ever smelled that on a kid. Or on anyone, come to think of it. He just couldn‘t place it.

Finally, the kid said something.

"Hhello… Mr Ssnake.“

The sweet silvery parseltongue brought the kid back in sharp focus again. The kid sounded even cuter for snake senses, and Crowley smiled internally.

“I told you, my name iss Anthhony,“ he said.

The kids eyes wandered from the coffee cup to the snake. His expression was mostly one of curiosity and surprise. He didn‘t seem to be afraid at all, just excited.

"Ssorry… Anthhony,“ he said. "I‘ve never sseen a man whho could turn into a ssnake.“

Crowley moved his head to watch the kid from different angles. “Actually, I‘m a ssnake who can turn into a hhuman sshape,“ he said.

“Whoah, iss thhat whhy I can undersstand you?“

“No, you can understand all ssnakess. I thhink. Hhumanss whho can talk to ssnakes can talk to all ssnakess.“

Had he said too much? He really hadn‘t wanted to give the kid too many news at once, but luckily, this kid was a pretty robust one, it seemed. This new surprise just seemed to make him happier.

“Thhere are more people like me? Really?“

“Not many. It‘ss very rare, thiss gift. Ssnakess whho can turn hhuman are alsso very, very rare.  
That‘ss whhy I thhought whe could probably get to know each other. I whanted to ssee whhat you‘re like.“

The kid nodded. “Whhen I heard there wass a big ssnake in town, I whanted to ssee whhat you‘re like too.“

Crowley started moving his head some more, slowly including more of his body. The kid seemed to like it. “I hheard from a friend whho workss at a newhsspaper that there are rumorss of a boy whho talked to a ssnake at the zoo, sso I whent there and hhad a chhat whith thhat ssnake. Hhe rememberss you very fondly.“

“Ohh,“ said the kid, a bit sad. “Sso thhey found hhim and put hhim back thhere again? I hhad hhoped he could sstay free.“

“Boy,“ said Crowley, “Hhe‘ss a tropical ssnake, thiss country iss whay too cold for hhim, hhe would have died. If you whant to chheer hhim up, you can go vissit hhim again.“

The boy looked even sadder now. “I can‘t,“ he said. “Thhey‘ll never let me go to the zoo again after that sscene.“

“Ohh,“ said Crowley, a bit out of his depth. “Ssorry. Well, I can alwayss go thhere and take my phone withh me and call you, thhen thhe two of you can hhave a little chhat.“

That brought a smile back on the face of the boy. “I can‘t call a ssnake. Or can I?“

“Why not? Whhat do you thhink I hhave thiss hhuman shhape for if not for sseing other ssnakess in zzoos? Thhey won‘t ssell zzoo tickets to ssnakess. Don‘t know whhy, I assked niccely?“

The kid giggled.

“Whhat‘ss your name, boy?“ asked Crowley. Technically, he knew, but he wanted to make certain.

“I‘m Hharry.“

“Hhello Hharry, pleassure to meet you. Lissten, I need to chhange back. Lotss of people hheading our direction.”

He turned back into human again. The kid watched him in utter fascination.

“Thhat wass sso cool!“

Crowley felt oddly pleased. Not many people had ever seen him transform, and even fewer liked it.

“Thhankss,“ he said and put his sunglasses back on. "I‘ll be in town for a whhile,“ he said. "Whant to go for an icce-cream one of thhesse dayss, maybe?“

The kids enthusiasm got a damper again. "Thhey won‘t let me. I can‘t go anywhhere.“

"Whhat, are you grounded or ssomethhing?“

"Ssomethhing like thhat.“

"Well, I don‘t thhink I can walk up to your hhouse and you invite me in for tea,“ said Crowley.  
The boy shook his head. "I don‘t thhink thhat whould whork. Thhey don‘t like sstrangerss.“  
Crowley nodded, but he filed that idea under Plan B. Sooner or later, hhe wanted to see this place where the kid lived, this incredibly hard to find place.

"Ssame time, ssame placce, tomorrow? Thhe bench?“ asked Crowley.

The kid beamed at him happily. "Yess!“

\--  
\--

**End of chapter**

\--

  
**Transcript from Parseltongue to English:**  
_

_"Do you like snakes?“ he asked the kid, in Parseltongue._

_The kid neither flinched nor took notice of the oddity, he just nodded and replied in the cutest Parseltongue Crowley had ever heard. "Yes, I do.“_

_It seems like the kid couldn‘t tell Parseltongue from human speech. It was adorable. Crowley found a smile on his face, not sure how it had gotten there._

_"I also like snakes very much. Are you probably looking for a big snake that‘s been seen around here lately?“_

_The kid nodded._

_"Why? What do you want to do with a big snake?“_

_"I don‘t want to hurt it,“ said the boy quickly. "I‘d just like to see what kind it is. And maybe talk to it a little.“_

_"I think I can help you there,“ said Crowley. "I think he’s around here somewhere. You’re not afraid of big snakess, huh?”_

_The boy shook his head._

_“So you’re not going to yell, or make any rash movements, or try to run away then?”_

_The boy shook his head again._

_“Ok, then sit with me a bit. I know this snake. I think he’ll be very curious who’s with me and come to have a closer look.”_

_The boy sat next to him without hesitation, putting his schoolbag next to him on the bench, but not in between them. He was small, cute and trusting, believed every word a stranger said. Crowley felt very protective of him all of sudden. He was proud of his skills as a tempter, but it didn’t feel good if it was this easy. Well, maybe it was the Parseltongue that did it. Crowley would definitely keep it up. Not that he would have much of a choice, in a minute or two._

_"Sit still now, and don‘t move. He can already smell you. When he comess here, talk to him like you talk to me, that‘ll interest him. Remember, make no loud noises, and no rash movements. The snake is big, I promise he won‘t hurt you, but still better not to startle him.”_

_"How do you know it‘s a he?“_

_Crowley smiled. "His name is Anthony.“_

_He put his newspaper and coffee down, and then took his glasses off, still smiling. And without a further word of warning, he transformed into his snake form._

_The kid, to his surprise, neither screamed nor ran away. He just sat there, his eyes as big as saucers. Unfortunately, he didn‘t talk, and even though Crowley could see him clearly, he started having doubts again. The protection spell tried to hide the kid even from his snake form. Well, same eyes, no wonder. He needed to talk to the kid._

_“Hello, kid,“ he tried. “Nice to meet you.”_

_The kid needed a few moments, but he didn‘t run away, so Crowley waited patiently. He tasted the air once or twice, but ack, the kid was smelly. The smell was a lot harder to doubt, so if the kid wouldn‘t talk, Crowley would have to concentrate on the smell. He‘d never ever smelled that on a kid. Or on anyone, come to think of it. He just couldn‘t place it._

_Finally, the kid said something._

_"Hello… Mr Snake.“_

_The sweet silvery parseltongue brought the kid back in sharp focus again. The kid sounded even cuter for snake senses, and Crowley smiled internally._

_“I told you, my name is Anthony,“ he said._

_The kids eyes wandered from the coffee cup to the snake. His expression was mostly one of curiosity and surprise. He didn‘t seem to be afraid at all, just excited._

_"Sorry… Anthony,“ he said. "I‘ve never seen a man who could turn into a snake.“_

_Crowley moved his head to watch the kid from different angles. “Actually, I‘m a snake who can turn into a human shape,“ he said._

_“Whoah, iss that why I can understand you?“_

_“No, you can understand all snakess. I think. Humans who can talk to snakes can talk to all snakes.“_

_Had he said too much? He really hadn‘t wanted to give the kid too many news at once, but luckily, this kid was a pretty robust one, it seemed. This new surprise just seemed to make him happier._

_“There are more people like me? Really?“_

_“Not many. It‘s very rare, this gift. Snakess who can turn human are also very, very rare._  
_That‘s why I thought we could probably get to know each other. I wanted to see what you‘re like.“_

_The kid nodded. “When I heard there was a big snake in town, I wanted to see what you‘re like too.“_

_Crowley started moving his head some more, slowly including more of his body. The kid seemed to like it. “I heard from a friend who works at a newspaper that there are rumors of a boy who talked to a snake at the zoo, so I went there and had a chat whith that snake. He remembers you very fondly.“_

_“Ohh,“ said the kid, a bit sad. “So they found him and put him back there again? I had hoped he could stay free.“_

_“Boy,“ said Crowley, “He‘s a tropical snake, this country is whay too cold for him, he would have died. If you want to cheer him up, you can go visit him again.“_

_The boy looked even sadder now. “I can‘t,“ he said. “They‘ll never let me go to the zoo again after that scene.“_

_“Oh,“ said Crowley, a bit out of his depth. “Sorry. Well, I can always go there and take my phone with me and call you, then the two of you can have a little chat.“_

_That brought a smile back on the face of the boy. “I can‘t call a snake. Or can I?“_

_“Why not? What do you think I have this human shape for if not for seing other snakes in zoos? They won‘t sell zoo tickets to snakess. Don‘t know whhy, I asked nicely?“_

_The kid giggled._

_“What‘s your name, boy?“ asked Crowley. Technically, he knew, but he wanted to make certain._

_“I‘m Harry.“_

_“Hello Harry, pleasure to meet you. Listen, I need to change back. Lots of people heading our direction.”_

_He turned back into human again. The kid watched him in utter fascination._

_“That was so cool!“_

_Crowley felt oddly pleased. Not many people had ever seen him transform, and even fewer liked it._

_“Thanks,“ he said and put his sunglasses back on. "I‘ll be in town for a while,“ he said. "Want to go for an ice-cream one of thesse days, maybe?“_

_The kids enthusiasm got a damper again. "They won‘t let me. I can‘t go anywhere.“_

_"What, are you grounded or somethhing?“_

_"Something like that.“_

_"Well, I don‘t think I can walk up to your house and you invite me in for tea,“ said Crowley._  
_The boy shook his head. "I don‘t think that would work. They don‘t like strangers.“_  
_Crowley nodded, but he filed that idea under Plan B. Sooner or later, he wanted to see this place where the kid lived, this incredibly hard to find place._

_"Same time, same place, tomorrow? The bench?“ asked Crowley._

_The kid beamed at him happily. "Yes!“_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a beta reader now! Made me rewrite this chapter three times, mostly to shorten my rambling. I grudgingly have to admit he's right. Chapter is a lot more streamlined now. Some fun parts might actually work better in later chapters.
> 
> This is the chapter the Implied Chld Abuse Warning is about, it's on the level of the HP books, mostly, but be warned if you don't want to read that. 
> 
> I didn't make two separate versions with and without Parseltongue this time. Almost all dialogue in this is Parseltongue anyway, and while I would have had a lot of fun parselling it all, it really doesn't add that much if there are pages and pages of it. 
> 
> Next chapter will have some real Parseltongue again, plus much of Muscatongue. I just can't help myself when it comes to buzz things up ;)
> 
> \--

The next day, Crowley was there. Same bench, bigger coffee.

It was raining and chilly, and he felt cold and clammy, but he wouldn‘t have missed this date even with a blizzard coming in.

Would the kid come? Of course this had to be very exciting for a kid, finding a snake and talking to it! Any kid would come back. Any kid that could keep their mouth shut at home about this. From what the kid had said, Crowley was certain any mention of yesterday – making a detour on the way home to go snake-searching, meeting a stranger, seeing a man turn into a snake, talking to a snake – any of this, on its own, would get the kid into trouble, not to mention all of them combined.

If the kid didn‘t turn up today, Crowley was going to find that house and find that kid, no matter what.

He waited. He waited a long time.

The kid didn‘t come.

Fuck.

\--

He retreated into a warm cafe, and over the course of several rather nice espressos, supressed the urge to call Aziraphale and got thinking.

Losing the kid again was awful. There was something about hearing Parseltongue from a child that just got him, every time, even though he hadn’t heard one in a very long time. He had to find this kid again. He needed to know what was the matter with this kid’s magical protection, but he also really needed to know if the kid was okay. 

He sent a short message to the IT, to confirm he was still on the case and even had a clue. They didn‘t need to know more than that unless Crowley needed their help. And for now, he was very, very much not interested in having any other demon involved. This protection on the child – probably just some extremely powerful wizard had been extra creative, but if some demonic influence was behind, he didn‘t want the demon in case to be alarmed. 

Also, Parselmouth, why? What the fuck? And what was that smell?  
But those were questions for later. Focus, Crowley.

Okay. He would find a way to that house, that had to be possible somehow. 

How did he get inside, and how did he get to talk to the kid alone?

He had to be able to do both these things, and he had to make plans that wouldn‘t rely on miracles, in case they would be affected by the protection, too.

In the end, he decided to go back to the original strategy: exploit the wizards‘ cluelessness about modern technology. It was riskier, but more satisfying.

\--

He went back to the hotel and rang the Dursleys.

“Hello Mrs. Dursley, my name is Gabriel, from Gabriel & Michaels, plumbing and heating systems. Sorry to intrude on your time, but there’s something we need to check. We had to do some maintenance work in your street, and there’s been problems with the water pipes. We don’t know if your house is affected. Could you for a moment open a tap in your house, any tap, and tell me if the water’s running properly? I’ll hold the line.”

No, he wouldn’t. As soon as he heard Mrs Dursleys steps leading her away from the phone, he jumped into the line and rode the connection to the receiving end of the call. 

He emerged from the Dursley phone somewhat frazzled, and shivered, but then quickly pressed down the cradle of the phone. He could always call his hotel back and go out the same way. Or so he hoped.

Gah, this house was horrible. Now he knew where the kid’s smell came from. The whole house smelled bad.

He stood in a hallway, depressingly neat and boring, and the protective spells that hung over the house felt like a vice around his head. So this was what it felt like to be inside the wall or magical protection. It felt stifling. Well, it couldn’t be helped, here he was. 

He turned his head towards an open door through which he could hear the sound of water running, and through which – oh, hey! - the boy looked at him, aghast but also, thankfully, not one bit frightened.

‘What are you doing here?’ the boy mouthed silenty.

Crowley was for now just glad he’d found him, and found him well. A dishcloth in hand, clothes as much a mess as he remembered, but upright and spirited.

Crowley pulled his sunglassed down far enough so he could give the boy a wink, and put a finger in front of his mouth. He took a step back as Mrs. Dursley returned to the phone, only to find the call had ended. She had a few things to say about that.

But most importantly, she didn’t take any notice of a tall man with sunglasses standing right next to her. Good. So he could rely on his powers in here. That would make things easier.  
The kid could still see him, and his eyes went even bigger when he noticed Mrs. Dursley could not.

“What are you staring at, have you got nothing to do?” the woman barked.

“Sorry, Aunt Petunia,” the kid said and scurried out of Crowley’s view. Crowley followed Mrs Dursley through the door to what turned out a big room that combined kitchen, dining and sitting room. The boy was in the kitchen part, doing dishes, his aunt, still muttering about the rudeness of certain people, went to the dining table where she had been folding clean laundry, her body half turned to the kitchen to keep an eye on the boy.

Crowley went into the kitchen and leaned against a counter top, watching the kid who gave him side glances and made faces. Crowley shrugged and pointed at the aunt.

Finally, the kid opened the tap, and over the sound of running water, hissed at him in Parseltongue: “What are you doing here?” 

Parseltongue was mostly unvoiced and full of sibilants, giving it a hissing appearance, which the aunt might hear, but it would be mostly masked by the sound of the water, and unintelligible to her anyway. Or would it? Crowley hadn’t thought about that.  
What if they were all Parselmouths, the whole family?

“Just checking on you,” answered Crowley in Parseltongue. “You didn’t turn up again. Are you okay?”

“Of course I am. I just got in trouble for being late after school.”

“Let’s talk later, okay? Don’t mind me, I’ll just whait around.”

The kid closed the tap again, with quite the angry movement, and with his finger wrote into the grease of a used pan that waited for washing up: suit yourself, and wiped it away again.  
Crowley grinned. Smart kid.

He came a step closer and dipped his finger into the grease and started doodling immature rude things in it. 

The kid shook its head, gave him a grim look and took the pan away to wash it.  
Crowley grinned and patted him on the shoulder.

Ah yes, there was this thing he wanted to check.

He walked over to this Aunt Petunia and stood next to her.

She was tall, tense, folded the laundry with a vengeance. Put quite some effort into her appearance, it seemed, and none in that of her nephew. He wished he could push her a bit, and take the credit for all that pent up anger and aggression. But not now. He was here to observe.

Oh, maybe a little push. Just a little.

He leaned over her shoulder and hissed quietly in Parseltongue: Petunia, sweetie, your shoes are five years out of fashion.

She looked around, irritated. 

“Did you hear that, Harry? Something hissed? Is the gas on?”

“No, Aunt Petunia, I heard nothing. The gas isn’t on.”

She shook his head. “I must be getting tinnitus. No wonder with all that stress.”

And then he just sat on the kitchen counter that made a border between kitchen and dining part, made himself comfortable, waited, and observed, well aware that the kid observed him too, amused about the disapproving look the kid had given his shoes on the counter.

It was astonishing how different this boy was from Warlock, seeing how they both were the same age, pale faced, dark haired, bright eyed. But Warlock was always moving, always talking, always making plans. Warlock had so much energy, and it flowed freely.

This one, Harry, though. “Yes, Aunt Petunia.”, “No, Aunt Petunia.”

His movements small, angry, reserved. And so very quick to obey, and make it look extra busy.

Crowley had seen many kids. How many had it been? Didn’t matter, it had been a lot. All kinds of kids. They came in types. And this one came in the type of domestic servant. Had seen it all over the world, everywhere. While he should take some pride in it, he didn’t. It made everyone around them such easy prey to a constant outpour of small evil deeds, primed them for bigger sins. It didn’t feel like an accomplishment if it was this easy. It never felt like an accomplishment when kids were involved.

And this kid, he liked.  
He really did.

There was a nudge at his side, and the kid rolled his eyes towards a cup of tea he’d put on the counter next to Crowely.

Crowley smiled, hissed a very faint “thanks” and took it.

Petunia look over, and away again. 

Crowley saw how intently the kid watched her out of the corner of his eyes. Clever kid.

Crowley stayed silent and unseen for most of the afternoon and evening. There was another kid coming in for meals, pushy and demanding, reminding him a bit of Warlock. This one though was so unfocussed, all outbursts, no control. He would have loved to nanny him for a few months and teach him how to channel all that energy, to get some discipline installed. He liked bratty kids, but he liked them with some purpose. And preferrably not menacing their smaller cousin. That’s what parents and teachers were for.

A certain Uncle Vernon came home in the evening, and things became a bit clearer. While Petunia had been a constant outpour of needling demands and tense complaints, Vernon was loud, brash, arrogant, and small-minded. His commands for Harry were harsh, his hands quick to slap and knock in places where it wouldn’t be obvious to a school teacher the next day.

Crowley sat and waited, motionless.

\--

Finally, the parents and the other kid went upstairs to watch tv in their bedrooms, which made the downstairs rooms quiet, but not so quiet that, say, a hissed conversation between a demon and a child who was cleaning the kitchen, would be heard.

Crowley moved, glid from the counter and got himself a chair to sit on. Now he was more on eye-level with the kid.

“Thanks for the tea.”

The kid scrubbed the sink with a sharply smelling chemical, but made little pauses in between to look at him, and talk to him. There was no “Yes, Anthony”, or “No, Anthony” now. The kid showed a bit more of his true colors, he was clearly not going to be pushed around by snakes coming out of the phone, and Crowley approved of that greatly.

“Aunt Petunia didn’t see the cup,” he said. “And she didn’t see you.”

Crowley shrugged. “I didn’t want her to.”

The kid gave him on of these bright, inquisitive looks. “How can you do that?”

Crowley thought he’d grinned, but to his surprise found the small measured smile of Nanny Ashtoreth on his lips. Well, old habits died hard, it seemed. “What do you think?”

The kid scrubbed a bit, and paused again. “I thought you where a ghost, but then you drank the tea.”

“I’m not a ghost. I told you, I’m a snake.”

“You came through the telephone,” said the kid, accusingly.

“Okay, not an ordinary snake. Mostly a snake. But I can do other shapes, too. You’ve seen it.”  
The kid looked at him, a question on his lips, and pressed his lips together again. He was not going to ask.

Crowley was still answering. “I’m a demon, Harry.”

He didn’t know if he should tell a kid that. But if the kid knew anything about this oppressive dome of magic that built up on this house, he wanted to clear up a few things, namely how little he had to do with it.

The kid made a sceptical face. “And what do you want?”

“I told you. I like people who can talk to snakes. I wanted to see if you’re okay.”

“You can’t just come into our house like that. You could have, I don’t know, rang the doorbell.”

“Yeah, there’s a bit of a problem with that,” said Crowley. “This house is seriously weird. I told you, I can’t just walk up to this house. I meant that literally. There’s a magical spell on this house, a whole number of them, that shouldn’t work on me, but they do, and I’d really like to know why that is. Do you have any idea?”

The kid paused, but then shook his head and scrubbed the sink fiercer. 

“They don’t believe in magic. No one is allowed to talk about it,” he finally said. “They freak out, I swear.”

“If they knew their house wass magical, that would explain a lot, eh?”

The kid made a face. “This house? This house is so… normal.”

Crowley shook his head. 

“Kid, not even your street is normal, or your town. Something is going on here. If you know nothing about it, then I’ll need to ask around, find out what’s happening. But I do think it’s about you. I think someone is very keen to hide you from the world.”

Maybe not from the world, Crowley seriously considered ordering a pizza and seeing it delivered. But hiding the house from him, he could believe that. And from who else?

“Yes, but magic?” asked the kid sceptically.

Crowley snapped his fingers, and the whole kitchen was spotless.

The kid turned around and looked at him, perplexed.

“How do you do that?”

“Not by magic. But that doesn’t mean things can’t be magical, okay? Come sit with me a bit, Harry.”

Harry came, and without hesitation. Crowley was pleased that the kid trusted him, but also not, because who else would this kid trust? Some demon broke into their house and he made him tea.  
This kid was good. Maybe that explained the smell.

“Okay, Harry, usually, a kid who can talk to snakes comes from parents who can talk to snakes. Do you know if your parents can do that?”

Harry shook his head. “I was very small when they died. I don’t even remember them.”

“Maybe your Aunt and Uncle know something, I’ll have to ask them.”

“They won’t answer any of those questions.”

“Believe me, kid, if I ask, they will answer. But you know what? Normally, a kid who talks to snakes isn’t being hidden away. I mean, it’s not a popular thing, no, people aren’t going to like it, but not to the point where they would care this much. There’s more to this story.”

He let his gaze wander over the kid, but he only looked very young, very human, very wizard, and smelled wrong. It wasn’t the house. It was the kid.

“What are you, kid?“ Crowley asked. “You‘re not one of my kind, I can tell.“

“Of course I‘m not a snake, or a demon“ said the kid, slightly offended.

Crowley smiled. “No, you‘re not either of these. You look very human to me. But something about you is off. You‘re special, in a way I haven‘t ever seen before.“

"I‘m just Harry, I‘m nothing special. I‘m clumsy, and I have weird hair, but that‘s it, I think.“

"Yeah,“ said Crowley, giving his hair a closer look. "Your hair. Something‘s up with that. Can I have a look?“

At first, the kid moved his head away from him, but under Crowley‘s insistent stare he moved back again. "I guess,“ he said. "I mean, it‘s just hair. And you‘re a snake, really. Snakes are nice.“

Crowley suppressed a sigh. The kid probably had only talked to a few garden snakes and they probably had been nice. And it might be interesting to see if the not so nice snakes like the kid, too.  
Could give him a clue what he was dealing with, here.

Slowly, in order not to startle the kid, he reached out and touched the hair on the kid‘s head. It was so heavy with magic, he barely could move his hand through it. Human magic. Certainly, but at the same time - not. Actually, almost demonic. Almost. What the heaven was this? A human child with evil hair?

"Kid, you sure this is your hair? You haven‘t, say, lost yours and somehow hexed this on yourself?“

"No!“ said Harry quickly. "It‘s my hair! It never does what it‘s supposed to, and grows back really fast if someone cuts it, but it‘s always been like this. I like the way it is, covers the scar, you know.“

"The ssscar?“ hissed Crowley, with a sudden realization, and the kid startled somewhat badly.  
Crowley withdrew his hand. "Sorry,“ he said, in normal Parseltongue, keeping the hiss down to a minimum. "Sorry about that, snakes can be a bit jumpy, you know. Don‘t say ssuch a thing without a warning, okay? So, what scar is that? Can you show me?“

The kid had calmed down. "I‘m sorry. But it really is just a scar I got in a car accident when I was a baby. See?“

With one hand, he brushed the hair from his forehead, and Crowley could help hissing again. To his embarassement, he even recoiled from it a bit. There, on a sweet little kid‘s round forehead, was an incredibly thin, unstable, oozing crack. In the shape of a bolt of lightning. It oozed magic, definitely, but only a very faint trace, he maybe wouldn’t have been aware if it hadn’t been trapped in the hair so much. 

The kid quickly let his hair fall back down. The hair not only covered the portal, but shielded it too. If Crowley hadn‘t seen it, he wouldn‘t have guessed it was there.

"It‘s not so bad,“ said the kid, "it doesn‘t look that bad, does it?“

Crowley took a deep breath. It did look bad, really bad, but he wouldn‘t tell the kid that. It really was a nice kid. Which was another thing. Anyone carrying this thing shouldn‘t be this unaffected, that the kid was okay was actually more worrying than the opposite would have been.  
But then he gave the kid a reassuring smile and pointed to his eyes.

"Snakes see the world differently,“ he said. "Who the heaven put that on there?“ 

"No one,“ said the kid. "It was a traffic accident.“

Crowley shook his head. Time to feed the kid some truth, in small doses. "That‘s not possible, kid. Something else happened.“

The kid‘s expression grew much darker immediately. "So they were lying about this, too.“

"Who‘s ‚they‘?“

"My aunt and uncle. They lie about everything.“

"Yeah, I‘m not surprised to hear that. They look pretty shady. I wouldn‘t trust a word out of their mouth. Traffic accident. Really. So why do you live with uncle and aunt, where is everyone else?“

Harry shrugged. "Traffic accident?“ he said dryly.

Crowley groaned.

“I’m going to be honest. I don’t like anything about this house and you in it. Do you have anywhere else you can go?”

Harry shook his head. “I can’t go anywhere! I can’t even go on a school excursion without my aunt allowing it, whenever I take one step too far, she comes running. Yesterday, I came late from school, and she’d already come almost all the way to see where I am. She’s everywhere. She tells people I’m sickly, and she need to look after me, but really, she just loses her mind when I’m not there all the time.”

Crowley frowned. “And it’s just your aunt?”

“Yes, my uncle would probably open a bottle of champagne if I was gone.”

“Okay. If it’s just your aunt, I think I can fix this. I’m going to talk to her tomorrow, you’re leaving this house, with her permission or without. She can hang onto you all the way to London, if she likes. Or do you want to stay and I teach her some manners?”

Harry shook his head. “I’m not staying any day longer than I have to. But… you can’t just… I mean, they’re going to call the police… it’s not that easy.”

Crowley grinned. “I’m a demon. I’ve done worse things, and got away with it. I can travel a phone line, and I think I know how to break you out of magical prison. It’s worth a try. And if it doesn’t work, we try something else.”

“But where would we be going?”

“London. I have a nice place there. I could find you somewhere to stay, or, well… err… hm… I could adopt you, Harry,” he heard himself say, to his own surprise. “We get along, right? I can look after you.“ 

"Adopt?” squealed Harry.

Crowley nodded. "I like kids, and you like snakes, we‘ll be fine, and it‘ll be the easiest way to cut through all the red tape on both sides. Half the demon world is already convinced you’re mine anyway, with the whole Parsel thing and all. So, why not?”

"You would really adopt me?“ asked Harry, who finally had caught up. "And take me with you? You really want me?“

Crowley would never admit it, but he still had a very hollow place inside that was Warlock-shaped, and the warmth of his smile came from that place.

"I told you, I like you! Of course I want you! More than this lot, that‘s for sure.“

He wasn‘t prepared for the boy to hug him, and the smell from the boy‘s head was still appaling, but he returned the hug without hesitation.

After that, no amount of paperwork could have pried the boy from his side. Paperwork put up a good fight, though.


	3. Pact with the Snek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter, Parseltongue is back! Muscatongue is coming in, too! 
> 
> As in the first chapter, I'll provide a plain English version at the end of the chapter, for everyone who isn't as happy reading noise in their text as I was writing it. I hope all of you appreciate that my betareader and me forced our brains to learn how to do the jump-to-footnote thing because that was more painful than it had any right to be!
> 
> So. This is what passes as "streamlined chapter" after a few rewrites. I am so sorry. Thank to my betareader again, who let me keep Dagon in!

** Again a reminder that the plain English version of the chapter is.[here]**

Petunia could do a lot of screaming, it turned out, first from fear, but quickly from rage. She held a broom firmly with both hands, the bristles still turning against the stranger who DARED to come to HER kitchen, doing THAT.

Crowley could see how close she was to whacking or jabbing at him again, now that he was out of his snake form, but she didn‘t, she might be scared and livid, but she wasn‘t stupid. He just stood there, making his point by silently staring at her, while she made her point screaming at him.  
Finally, she gave up.

„You!“ she spat, out of breath. „How DARE you? Who are you? Who sent you?“  
Well. If she really wanted to know…

„I dare because I do what I want, my name is Crowley, I‘m a demon, and I was sent by the Infernal Times, to do a bit of journalistic inquiries about this story of a boy who can talk to snakes. That answer your questions?“

She sneered. She actually honest to Satan sneered, and pulled herself up to her whole height, her broom still clutched tightly.

„You are no demon,“ she said, „I know what you are. You‘re one of these unnatural people who use their magic to turn into animals. I‘ve seen animagi. They‘re disgusting. Don‘t pretend you‘re more than that just to scare me. And you can‘t put any stories about Harry in any newspaper. The ministry of magic won‘t allow it. They have very tight grip on these things, thank God.“

Crowley was astonished. So she did know what was going on. She hadn‘t just had the traffic accident backstory planted in her. Also, if she wanted to explain all he said away with magic, there was no use arguing. 

„Who looks after that awful scar on the boy?“ he asked directly. „Who leaves a kid with something like this?“

The woman‘s lips tightened. „The scar has healed over, that‘s all there is to it.“

Crowley frowned. „Healed over? It leaks curse energy all over the place, and the kids whole head is soaked with it. That‘s all there is to it? Are you blind?“

Petunia took a step back from him. „He‘s fine. The scar is fine. They told us we would be entirely protected from all kinds of evil if we keep him.“

„They lied to you,“ said Crowley gently.

„Unlike you, I suppose?“

„If your house was so well protected, I wouldn‘t be here. You don‘t believe me? Then why don‘t you touch his head? Ruffle his hair? Kiss his forehead?“

Petunia‘s face scrunched up in disgust, and her defiance turned into bitterness. „Of course,“ she said, almost to herself. „Why would they be honest and protect me and my family, when they could use us instead. Wizards! Witches!“

„The worst,“ agreed Crowley whole-heartedly. „If it‘s any consolation to you, we don‘t like them in Hell either. Presumptious bunch who want to claim our powers, they‘re like ticks. Tiny ugly suckers who spread disease and rashes. Can‘t stand them.“

Petunia wanted to sneer, but it became a snort instead. 

She still stood very upright, but the tone of her voice became less hostile, and she even slightly lowered her broom. „Is this what you‘re going to write in your newspaper, Mr Crow?“ she said.  
„That you found a boy, but he can‘t talk to snakes, he just got let down by his own sorts?“

„It‘s Crowley, and I assure you, I have no idea what to write, because I have no idea what‘s going on here. He can talk to snakes though. That‘s a nice bit, at least.“

„You really must be a demon, if you like that kind of thing,“ Petuniasaid bitterly, but not with the same fervour as before. „I know what kind of people talk to snakes, and he‘s none of them. He can‘t be.“

Crowley just looked at her. 

She tried to stare him down, gave up after a few seconds, and her face fell. „He‘s my sister‘s baby,“ she said. „He can‘t be. She wasn‘t… the snake-ish sort.“

Crowley was impressed. Evil, bitter, and still realistic. He started liking her. 

„Cuppa tea?“ he asked.

She nodded. She turned her head and yelled. „Harry! Two cups of tea!“ 

The kid rushed towards the kitchen.

„Don‘t! Go back and keep packing!“ hissed Crowley quickly in Parseltongue, and Harry, who had already been half into the room, looked at him with big eyes and ran away again.

In Human, Crowley said to Petunia: „I wouldn‘t touch anything he prepares, if I were you.“

That was a tad cruel, also a tad untrue, but too good to miss. 

It turned out he had hit home much harder than intended.

Petunia sank on a chair. 

„Oh God,“ she moaned. „I have a little one, as old as him, and he trank tea and cocoa this one made! I should never have allowed it. I shouldn‘t even have taken him in. Just because Lily was my sister. What a sentimental idiot I‘ve been.“

Crowley snapped his fingers, and two cups of nice steaming tea appeared on the table in front of them. Crowley sat opposite of her, and tried to calm her further down. As much fun as scaring her was, he did have his pride as the First Tempter, and temptation was going to be more efficient. Temptation was about what she wanted, too.

„You did the right thing,“ he said reassuringly, „but sometimes, doing the wrong thing is better.“

„I‘m not drinking that either,“ said Petunia, staring at the cup in front of her.

„Then make your own tea,“ said Crowley, demonstratively taking a sip of his own cup.

Petunia shot him a grim look, and closed her hands around the tea cup. She didn‘t drink from it though.

„What am I raising here?“ she asked Crowley. 

Crowley shrugged.

Petunia‘s face hardened. „I don‘t want to raise the next you-know-who,“ she said. „If he can do snakes, who knows what else he‘ll do next. I don‘t want to be responsible for that. But I‘m bound. I made a promise.“

Crowley smiled. „I can help you there.“  
She snorted again, with a hint of amusement, and for the first time, her eyelashes fluttered. „Deal with the devil?“ she asked.

Crowley‘s smile got broader. „Oh, I hope we can leave my boss out of that. A deal with me will have to do.“

At least he hoped so. The kid was awfully tightly tied to the place, he could feel it in his bones. But he was going to burn that bridge when he got there.

„And you‘ll want what, my soul?“ asked Petunia tartly.

Crowley couldn‘t help smiling at her. „Petunia, I adore your soul, tarnished by lifelong bitterness. You‘re delicious. Hell would love to have you. But I‘m not really a soulcatcher. I just want to mess with the bloody wizards. Keep your soul. The boy will do.“

Petunia actually blushed a bit under his smile. She probably wasn‘t called delicious very often. 

„And what will you… and he won‘t come back?“ she asked.

„No.“ Certainly not. Crowley was already hellbent on defending this precious sweet little snaketalker at all costs.

Petunia had one more moment of hesitation. „Will my own little one be okay? Not involved in the deal?“

Crowley could acutely feel the oppressive magical lid on the house, the conflict of magic that swirled around the boy. 

„I‘d move places, if I was you. Get a new house. I can put up better protections than this noisy crap in here, interfering with everything.“

That was also a bit cruel, a bit exaggerated, but he couldn‘t help himself. Her fear of magic was as delicious as her bitterness, and it matched his disdain of magic, especially this here that dared to affect a demon.

Petunia wasn‘t happy about any of this. „Do we really need protection when he‘s not attracting trouble any more?“ she asked.

Crowley nodded. „Whatever might one day come looking for him, will start looking wherever you are.“

That sealed it. 

Petunia nodded resolutely and drank her tea in one draw.

„Okay, Mr. Crowley, demon, investigative journalist, or whatever,“ she said and stretched out her hand. „Let‘s do this. Take the kid, and give us protection.“

Crowley shook her hand and nodded. „With pleasure, Petunia. Unfortunately, there will be a lot of paperwork. But let‘s start with putting up a basic contract.“

„A contract?“ asked Petunia.

„Of course. Who do you think invented bureaucrazy?“ 

That made her smile.

„It‘ll be easier if the boy signs it too,“ said Crowley, and wasn‘t surprised when Petunia didn‘t object to that at all. 

„Harry!“ she called, and Harry came running. Crowley was pretty sure the boy had listened at the door and heard pretty much all of it already, but the kid was good at making an innocent face. Crowley was so proud.

He kept the basic contract as simple as possible, ten pages only. But as soon as they all had put their names on it, a loud bang shook the whole house, and an old, well-dressed wizard with a long white beard appeared in Petunia‘s livingroom and looked around menacingly.

„Crowley!“ said the wizard with thundering voice.

Albus Dumbledore. Who else would meddle like this? Crowley raised an eyebrow.

„And you are?“

„You know who I am. I‘ve thwarted your interference quite a few times, haven‘t I?“

Yeah, that had been quite annoying, and was one more reason to detest wizards. Crowley shrugged. 

„Not sure I remember.“

„What are you up to, Crowley?“

Dumbledore gave him the most piercing stare. Legilimental… thing? Oh well. If he really wanted to. Crowley wasn‘t even going to bother deflecting that. As he had no devious plan here, all the old man would get was a headache, and smelling sulphur everywhere for a few days. Maybe an appetite for mice, too.

„That‘s Mr. Crowley for you, and I‘ve been up to an adoption. I stumbled across this boy who‘se headwound stinks to the deepest hell, so naturally, I took an interest, and Petunia and I agree that I can look after him much better than you and your lot can. So I‘m a dad now. I think congratulations, however insincere, are in order.“

Dumbledore didn‘t like this one bit.

„We will not allow that you take the boy! He‘s in very grave danger. We‘ve put him under our protection, and there he‘ll stay. He belongs to us, and we‘ve put up the most powerful spells in the world to keep him safe.“

Crowley didn‘t care what wizards allowed, and only smiled at that.

„I‘ve got the adoption papers right here, signed by all three of us. You can write a note of protest, of course, and take up a battle with the bureaocracy from Hell, but I doubt there is anything you could do that could cancel a legally binding contract I‘ve signed.“

Dumbledore gave him a cold look.

„Yes, I think that‘s what I shall do,“ he said. „I shall put in my note of protest, right now, to a higher authority.“

And to Crowley‘s fascination, he actually, honestly, started to draw a circle on the ground with his magical wand thing, and wrote a whole lot of sigils onto it that Crowley had to admire for the boldness of them. 

But it would take a while to complete the circle, so Crowley sat on a chair and pulled Harry onto his lap. Boys that age were too old for the lap, but he did it anyway, to make a point.

Harry didn‘t resist. He was actually very interested in what the wizard did, but as soon as Crowley spoke, he was all ears.

„Lissten, kid, you like ssnakess, right? Not afraid? Not at all?“

„No, of coursse not, you know that,“ said Harry.

„And whhat about other animals, like, chamaeleonss, toadss, inssectss, fliess, for exsample? Do they sscare you?“

„No.“

„Barracudass?“

„Whhat are those?“

„Fissh with ssharp teethh. Eat hhuman fleshh.“

„Cool!“

Crowley grinned.

„Very whell. Okay, look, thiss contract, for the adoption, we‘ll hhave to let the hhead lawyerss on my sside check it and ssee if whe did it right. I‘m a demon, sso they‘re demonss too. You‘re not afraid of me, are you?“

Harry shook his head.

„Very good. Now, the thing iss, thesse head lawyerss look sscary, but that comess with their job, I told you, they‘re lawyerss. The thhing iss… the thhing iss, they‘re going to be on our sside. Sso, you don‘t let go of my hhand, and don‘t be afraid, and you jusst hhave to be brave whhile ssome grownupss are yelling at each other, and probably thhrowing ssome magic or ssome furniture around. And when it‘ss over, I‘ll take you hhome with me. Thhink you can do that?“

Harry had the biggest smile on his face. „Of coursse! Sso it‘s you, Aunt Petunia, and demon lawyerss, against the whizardss? I know who‘ss going to whin!“

Crowley couldn‘t help himself, he had to hug the boy, a completely undemonic hug. He was just so proud of him.

Only then did he realize that they had spoken in Parseltongue the whole time. The look that Dumbledore gave him told him the fight had just gotten ten times more interesting. These wizards were up to something, and Crowley couldn‘t wait to find out. Also, what, did old Dumble just listen in to a whole conversation in Snake? He was going to follow that up, later.

But first, he had to face someone he had told the kid not to be afraid of. 

Demons are liars. 

+

„Thizzz better be important.“

Lord Beelzebub stood in Dumbledore‘s brightly gleaming summoning circle, upright, sharp and collected as usual, not making one unnecessary movement or word. Seeing that the room hadn‘t allowed for a very big summoning circle, and they couldn‘t leave it, they wouldn‘t have had much room to move anyway. 

If they were angry, they didn‘t let it show. Crowley was fine-tuned to the subtle vibrations around them though to feel rather uneasy right now. 

Aunt Petunia shrieked, and Crowley bowed, instructing the kid to do the same. The kid hadn‘t shrieked, even though Lord Beelzebub wasn‘t in their Glow-up form they used on Earth, or to meet Gabriel. No, this was what Beelzebub wore for a business day in hell: a formal suit but not formally buttoned up, oozing boils all over their face, and hundreds of flies swarming around them. Crowley was glad that the kid made a good impression. Actually, Petunia made a good impression too, demons liked to be feared.

Beelzebub looked around.

„Crowley.“

„Lord Beelzebub. I apologize for the circumstances.“

„I shzhould have known it‘z you when I heard there iz trouble up here.“

„Thank you, my Lord. Doing my best.“

Beelzebub nodded. „Az long az itz not trouble for our zide.“

Then they finally acknowledged the presence of the wizard. „Albuzzzzzz.“

„Beelzebub. It‘s been a while.“

Oh, thought Crowley. On informal terms, are we? He wasn‘t sure he liked it, but he didn‘t have a choice in the matter.

„Thzhankfully. What izz it you want?“

It was very apparent that ‚Albuzzzz‘ had already learned not to waste Belzebub‘s time and to be as direct as possible.

„I want you to annul the contract that the demon Crowley has made with Petunia Dursley, standing over there, over the custody of her nephew here called Harry Potter.“

Beelzebub stretched out a demanding hand, and Crowley put the contract in their hand.  
Beelzebub read it thoroughly. 

„Zzeemzz in order to me,“ they said. „Even the boy hazz zzigned it.“

„His aunt didn‘t have the right to sign him away, he has other legal guardians too.“

Beelzebub looked at Petunia, then a few seconds longer at Harry, then back at Dumbledore.

„Then Crowley can shzhare cuzztody with whoever elzze is there. Do throw zome more zoulz into theze deals, Crowley, for the zake of good ztyle, if nothing elze. Albuzz, why izz thizz important enough ththat you bothther me withth it? Who izz ththizz Harry Potter ththat I get zzummoned over him?“

Albuzz Dumbledore returned the gaze of the Prince of Hell without fear. „Harry Potter is the most well-known wizard in our world, and also the one who needs the most protection. His parents defeated Voldemort.“

„Who‘zz that?“

„I think you might know him under the name of Tom Riddle.“

Lord Beelzebub nodded. „Riddle. The worzzt of the wizzarding world, did I mention we hate wizzards? Becauzze we hate wizzards. A net win of zzoulzz, thizz Riddle, but he alzzo alwayszz tried to zzwindle us wizz cheap trickzz. Hizz whole exzizztenzze is an inzzult. How izz he?“

„Tom Riddle is dead.“  
Lord Beelzebub shook their head. „Tom Riddle izz not dead. I would have heard about it if we had harvezzted hizz zzoul.“

„He is… not dead? Then Harry is in even bigger danger. I suppose you have no interest in helping Tom Riddle come to power again. We should work together in this.“

That put a small smile on Lord Beelzebub‘s face. Crowley hadn‘t seen this smile often, and was worried. Someone in here was done for, and he could only hope it wouldn‘t be him.

„And what could you offer me in return, Albuzz? Azz you are zzo interezzted in thizz boy, what can you give me that would interezzt me juzzt as much?“

„I can certainly get my hands on a number of unholy artifacts, if you have anything specific in mind,“ said Dumbledore.

„Hm, you know me, Albuzz, I zee. I do have a zpezific thing in mind. There iz a package in your Gringott‘s vault that I am very interezted in.“

Dumbledore gave this some thought, while looking at Beelzebub, as if trying to catch another clue. 

„You already have what this item can give,“ he said.

„Who knowz what the future bringz? I want inzuranze.“

Beelzebub turned their head to Crowley.

„And what doez the boy give uz that we want?“

„Disorder,“ says Crowley confidently, falling into his usual boastful and flippant tone of their business meetings. „Chaos. Conflict. The protection on his house is outrageos, all to let a boy vanish from sight? If the wizarding world wants us not to find him so badly, I thought I‘d take him and see what happens.“

Beelzebub shook their head. „And how long have you had planz to do thiz?“

„Errr… yesterday?“

Beelzebub gave that remark the five second of icy silence it deserved. „I zee.“

Dumbledore looked at Crowley, and Crowley felt the Leggithing brushing over him again. Wizards were so annoying.

„Mr. Crowley, can you protect Harry from Dark Wizards?“

„Sure. You know what I can do, I guess.“

„Yes. You can protect him, but will you?“

„Will I protect my own son? Of course I will.“

Dumbledore looked sad. „But at what price? As much as I want to see him safe, I can‘t risk losing him to the Dark side.“

„I‘m not the Dark side. I‘m the demon side. I can and will protect him.“

„Strong words, but will you put them into the contract? Protection against Death Eaters and Dark Magic? That you‘ll keep him safe, and raise him to be a good person, and with that, I mean a good human, not a good demon?“

The boy already was a good human, but Crowley wouldn‘t dare say that in front of Lord Beelzebub.

„If that‘s what it takes for you to agree, okay,“ he said. „I guess I can find him tutors for the being good part. Maybe even get him a dog. Yeah, put it in. And for the record, his aunt and uncle asked for no such thing.“

„And you teach him no Dark Magic.“

„I‘m not going to teach him any magic,“ said Crowley. „Do I look like a magician to you?“

„He has to go to Hogwarts when he turns eleven,“ said Dumbledore. 

„He absolutely does not,“ said Crowley.

„He doezz,“ said Beelzebub. „If he‘zz a wizzard, he needzz to learn how to uzze hizz powerzzz.“  
Crowley gave them a betrayed look. Lord Beelzebub must know something, or must want this thing that Dumbledore could give him quite a lot. It was certainly worth more than a scrawny kid. 

„I don‘t trust this lot with him,“ said Crowley. „Did you see what they did to this house?“

„He hazz to be taught.“

It did sting a bit to see Lord Beelzebub and Durmbledore come to an agreement like this, over his head. He knew that Hell‘s promises in this case weren‘t worth the paper they were burnt into. Hell knew that next year, the Antichrist would come into his power, the world would be destroyed, and and any and all wizards with them. Beelzebub probabyl wondered why Crowley even bothered, but wasn‘t above taking advantage of the situation.

Crowley felt a tug at his hand, and bent down to Harry.

„Anthony,“ whispered Harry, worried. „I‘m not a wizard.“

„Yes, you are,“ said everyone in the room at the same time.

„I‘m what?“

„A wizard, kid,“ said Crowley. „You must be. Or that thing on your head would‘ve killed you.“

„I can‘t do a single bit of magic,“ said Harry, still not believing, and not looking happy about it.  
Dumbledore gave him a friendly smile. „You‘re still very young, Harry,“ he said. „It‘s unusual to do much magic before the age of eleven. Actually, I‘d rather prefer it you‘d wait until we can teach you to do it safely.“

„Safely,“ snorted Crowley, who suddenly had the urge to teach the kid his first spell, just to spite the old fart. „Safe wizard, no such thing.“

„Safe enough,“ said Dumbledore, „and immensely safer than an untaught wizard.“

„He only goes if I go too,“ said Crowley. „You better find me a place at that school, with very specific and spacy accomodations, because I‘ll keep an eye on this kid if you throw him among wizards. If he goes to that school, I go, that all better be in the contract, or I‘ll find a magical school for him that I like better.“

Dumbledore smiled and nodded.

Beelzebub lifted a hand, and several new pages appeared in the contract, the words barely legible because most of them were burning. 

„I want to zzee the other guardianzz zzign thizz,“ they said. „It‘zz complete demon cuzztody or nothing. Human woman! Who‘zz the other guardianzz?“

„My husband,“ Petunia said, fighting down the urge to cover her mouth against the flies, and the smell, but she was too scared to offend this demon who was a Lord. „But he‘ll agree with me, I‘m certain.“

„Azzk him then.“

Beelzebub snapped their fingers, and a huge, fat man joined them in the living-room.

The man instantly started yelling, and Beelzebub miracled him silent even quicker than Crowley could. The man stood there with glassy eyes.

„I protest against his treatment,“ said Dumbledore. „This is not a way to treat humans.“

„It‘zz my way. Human, are you thzhis boy‘zz legal guardian? Anzzwer quickly, yezz or no.“  
The man only glanced over quickly to the boy, but it was enough for the boy to try and hide behind Crowley, something he hadn‘t done when a powerful wizard, or a very powerful demon had popped out of thin air.

„Yes,“ said the man in a flat voice. 

„Your wivvvve wishzhes for the boy Harry Potter to be adopted by the demon Crowley, zztanding right there, in exzzzchzchzcchange for protection againzzt magical harm. Do you agree to ththththizzzz contract, and wwill you zzzign it?“

„Hell yeah,“ said the man, and Beelzebub even showed a very tiny smile, for the fraction of a second.

„Mr Dursley!“ said Dumbledore. „You and your wife entered a binding agreement of the most ancient and powerful magic, you can‘t just overwrite that with a contract with the devil!“

„I can try,“ said the man. He was terrible, annoying and selfrighteous. It was sure to please Lord Beelzebub.

Dumbledore looked at Beelzebub.

„There is another guardian,“ he said, but not as firmly as before. „But I heard that some hellish creatures have already reduced his ability to sign contracts, which would count as unlawful interference. I‘m afraid the contract is invalid.“

„Who izz it?“

„One of yours, I‘m afraid. Sirius Black.“

Beelzebub stood there for a moment in silence, then they shook their head. 

„Daaaagon!“ they yelled.

Harry flinched, but Crowley gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

Another demon appeared, breaking through the kitchen floor tiles, covered in silvery scales, with a mouth full of pointy teeth and cold, intense eyes. Crowley liked the scales, but that was about it. If Beelzebub was the ruthless side of bureaucrazy, Dagon, Lord of the Files, was the exasperating one.

„Lord Beelzebub?“

„Do we have a Zzzirius Black, human, or shzhell of a human, probably a wizzzzzzard? Anzzwer quickly.“

Lord Beelzebub was probably the only demon in the world who could get a quick and solid answer out of Dagon who tended to be cryptic and long-winded.

Dagon had to huff for a second, to keep face. „No, we don‘t.“

That had been a waste of time then. Beelzebub‘s flies buzzed louder, a sign that their patience started to wear thin.

„Crowley.“

Beelzebub snipped their fingers, but no new human appeared. 

„He‘s in Azkaban,“ said Dumbledore. „High security cell. Extremely well protected.“

Beelzebub glared and snapped their fingers again. A haggard, dirty figure kneeled on the kitchen counter (floor space was getting rare), with long, filthy hair and an unpleasant smell that was noticeable even with Beelzebub in the room. 

Beelzebub‘s mood lifted again. Another human who was suffering in all this.

The new human threw them wild glances, until his gaze fell on the boy.

„H-harry???“ he croaked. „Harry?!“

He looked around. „Petunia? Dumbledore?“

Dumbledore nodded at him. „Sirius.“

„Ziriuz Black. You recognize all theze people?“ asked Beelzebub. „Then you may anzwer a queztion that the demon Crowley haz for you.“

The demon Crowley wasn‘t certain at all that Sirius Black understood anything beyond recognizing some faces. Black‘s gaze was sharp, but had problems focussing.

„Sirius Black,“ he said. „This is a hearing for an adoption. The Dursleys have agreed that I adopt Harry. All we need is you to agree to it, too.“

„I can‘t hand my godson over to a demon!“

„You think this lot did better? He doesn‘t even know who his parents were, and how they died. They told him it was a traffic accident.“

„A traffic accident?“ The prisoner didn‘t look like he had it in him to stand up unaided, but he could yell. „What the hell, Petunia, what have you turned into? A banshee? And Dumbledore? How could you do that to James and Lily, not telling their kid how brave they were?“

„It‘s all to protect him,“ said Dumbledore calmly. „He mustn‘t be found by the Deatheaters.“

„Listen, guys, LISTEN, Lord Beelzebub doesn‘t have time for this,“ said Crowley urgently. „Mr Black, the Dursleys don‘t want the kid, but I do. I‘ve raised kids before, I know what I‘m doing, and I‘m not in this to destroy this boy. I just want to shake the wizarding world a bit and see what bits are going to fall out.“

„Demons raise kids?“ hissed Black sarcastically. 

Crowley made a noncommittal gesture. „Well, yeah, one kid so far, but he‘s turned out well, so that‘s that.“

„And you‘re sure you can keep the Death-Eaters away from him?“

Crowley shrugged. „Better than the spells they‘ve put on this house, that‘s for sure. Magic is no match for what I can do.“

Sirius glared at him, then at Dumbledore, who nodded.

„Izz that it now? Everyone zzigning thzhizzz contract now?“

„What, just like that? You don‘t want me to throw in what‘s left of my soul?“ sneered Black, who was exceptionally bad at reading the room that became buzzier with every second.

Beelzebub stared at him and completely failed to intimidate him. Crowley was impressed.

„Zzziriuzzz Black. Your zzzoul izzn‘t worthzh my time. Zzign thizz yezz or no? Anzzwer quickly.“  
Sirius look around, still extremely suspicious of everyone, and then suddenly laughed.

„Yes. Why not.“

Crowley felt Harry tug at his hand again. Crowley looked down at him.

„Anthony? Doess hhe hhave to go back to prisson?“ the boy whispered in Parseltongue.

Crowley wasn‘t sure. „I thhink sso.“

„Can‘t whe adopt hhim too?“

Crowley threw his head back and laughed a big laugh.

„Can‘t we adopt him too?“ he repeated, in Human, and he made sure he saw Dumbledore‘s face when he said it. Dumbledore, against his expectations, looked rather moved.

OK, from the kid‘s point of view, this was probably a nice thing to say. For all the adults in the room, it was deliciously obnoxious to add another adoption to the terrible mix.

„Well, kid,“ said Crowley, „do I want to adopt a filthy, mouthy, dangerous evil wizard? Heaven yeah, kid. You bet I do. Lord Beelzebub, this Black is among the worst the wizarding world currently has to offer. Can I keep him?“

He looked at Beelzebub for reassurance. Beelzebub only shrugged and added a dozen new pages to the contract. „Azz long azz I‘m not zzummoned again for it, mezzz withththt ththththe wizzzzardzzzz azzz you pleazzzzze.“

The buzz of the flies hit such an angry note that what actually was a generous thing to say sounded rather threateningly. Well, he got an emotion out of Lord Beelzebub and lived. Crowley was rather pleased with himself. He bowed again.

„Would you want to be a godparent to my new sons?“ asked Crowley, because it was the polite thing to do.

„Heaven, no. I have more important thththingzzzz to do.“

„Well, then, Sirius Black, ready to adopted?“

„By a demon?“

„Got anything better to do with your life?“

Sirius stared at him.

„Give me one good reason why. Just one.“

„I have Harry.“

„Only if I sign this.“

„Lizzzzten, human, I recommend you for zztill being able to give us shzhzhit after being thrown to the dementorzzz, but don‘t tezzzt my patzienzzze any furthzhzher or I‘ll find zzzomeone worzzze to torment you. Get adopted along withzhz thzhzhe zzztinker yezzz or no? Anzzwer quickly.“

„Yes.“

„Thzhzhzen everyone **zzzzzign thzhzhzhhzizzzzzz now!** “  
Beelzebub signed first, an intricate sigil of fire that set the entire contract in flames without consuming the paper. Everyone else after them burned their fingers when they touched the still burning paper, but no one protested. 

Dagon took the contract, and let it burn to ashes in their hands, carefully pocketing the remains. 

Dagon gave them all a wide, sharp toothed smile. „We‘ll have this. Copies for everyone as soon as I can be bothered. Mr. Crowley, Mr. Crowley, Mr. Crowley, Mr. Dumbledore, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, feel free to break the contract. A revised and enhanced set of the usual sanctions for violating the contract has been put on this one, and I‘m looking forward to see what kind of damage they can do to you.“

„Albuzzzzz, izzzz that all?“

The tone implied strongly that it was, and Dumbledore nodded and wiped out the sigil that held Beelzebub in place. Beelzebub and Dagon vanished instantly.

„Well then, all of the Mr Crowleys,“ said Dumbledore, and for the first time, he smiled. „I think congratulations are in order, and they‘re sincere, if you believe it or not.“

„Not a believer much, me,“ said Crowley, „but thanks. I‘m taking the boys along with me. Can you sort out the legal side for Mr Sirius Crowley here? Or should I intervene directly at the Ministry? To be honest, I‘m done with paperwork for today, but if you offer me a chance to mess up the criminal records of the Wizarding World while the Prince of Hell is probably still keeping an eye on the situation, I couldn‘t say no, and I wouldn‘t be subtle about it. I‘d probably just call it a day and burn the building down.“

Dumbledore still smiled. „I think I can handle our side.“

„You really shouldn‘t have dragged Lord Beelzebub into this.“

„Oh, it was very refreshing to see them in such good, oh, I apologize, bad shape, wasn‘t it?“

Crowley shrugged. „You‘re going to pay a price for it.“

„Are you worried about me, Mr Crowley?“

„Just concerned about your sanity, seeing that you‘re going to be Harry‘s headmaster one day. You better run your school more careful than you write magical sigils, wizard.“

„Call me Albus.“

„I don‘t think so. Any primary magical education the kid needs to have before he‘s eleven?“

„As I said, it‘ll probably better if he wouldn‘t start before he has a wand to channel his powers, but if you want, I can arrange a tutor for some basics.“

„Not necessary, I adopted a criminal wizard for that.“

Dumbledore‘s smile faltered. 

„But you will allow me to have a cup of tea with Harry from time to time, I hope?“  
„That‘ll depend entirely on how this whole mess wraps up. We‘ll be in touch within the next days anyway.“

Dumbledore nodded. „This will be a huge mess, but in a way, I‘m looking forward to it. This might all give Harry perfect protection, and that‘s what counts.“

The smile was back. „And you really would come to Hogwarts with him?“

„It‘s in the contract.“

„I might have a teaching position I could offer you. Are you familar with Defense against the Dark Arts?“

„I‘ve already told Petunia, I consider magic to be on par with a skin disease. I have no intention spreading it around. My own work will keep me busy enough. I just need my own heated greenhouse, a place to set up a librabry and my own librabrian, and a wine cellar.“

„And a place for me, because where Harry goes, I go,“ rasped Sirius. 

„Yeah, and that,“ said Crowley. „Just so you can prepare.“

+

+

**END OF CHAPTER**

**Siriusly, if you've read until here, you know the rest!**

\--

here

**Plain text chapter:**

Petunia could do a lot of screaming, it turned out, first from fear, but quickly from rage. She held a broom firmly with both hands, the bristles still turning against the stranger who DARED to come to HER kitchen, doing THAT.

Crowley could see how close she was to whacking or jabbing at him again, now that he was out of his snake form, but she didn‘t, she might be scared and livid, but she wasn‘t stupid. He just stood there, making his point by silently staring at her, while she made her point screaming at him.  
Finally, she gave up.

„You!“ she spat, out of breath. „How DARE you? Who are you? Who sent you?“  
Well. If she really wanted to know…

„I dare because I do what I want, my name is Crowley, I‘m a demon, and I was sent by the Infernal Times, to do a bit of journalistic inquiries about this story of a boy who can talk to snakes. That answer your questions?“

She sneered. She actually honest to Satan sneered, and pulled herself up to her whole height, her broom still clutched tightly.

„You are no demon,“ she said, „I know what you are. You‘re one of these unnatural people who use their magic to turn into animals. I‘ve seen animagi. They‘re disgusting. Don‘t pretend you‘re more than that just to scare me. And you can‘t put any stories about Harry in any newspaper. The ministry of magic won‘t allow it. They have very tight grip on these things, thank God.“

Crowley was astonished. So she did know what was going on. She hadn‘t just had the traffic accident backstory planted in her. Also, if she wanted to explain all he said away with magic, there was no use arguing. 

„Who looks after that awful scar on the boy?“ he asked directly. „Who leaves a kid with something like this?“

The woman‘s lips tightened. „The scar has healed over, that‘s all there is to it.“

Crowley frowned. „Healed over? It leaks curse energy all over the place, and the kids whole head is soaked with it. That‘s all there is to it? Are you blind?“

Petunia took a step back from him. „He‘s fine. The scar is fine. They told us we would be entirely protected from all kinds of evil if we keep him.“

„They lied to you,“ said Crowley gently.

„Unlike you, I suppose?“

„If your house was so well protected, I wouldn‘t be here. You don‘t believe me? Then why don‘t you touch his head? Ruffle his hair? Kiss his forehead?“

Petunia‘s face scrunched up in disgust, and her defiance turned into bitterness. „Of course,“ she said, almost to herself. „Why would they be honest and protect me and my family, when they could use us instead. Wizards! Witches!“

„The worst,“ agreed Crowley whole-heartedly. „If it‘s any consolation to you, we don‘t like them in Hell either. Presumptious bunch who want to claim our powers, they‘re like ticks. Tiny ugly suckers who spread disease and rashes. Can‘t stand them.“

Petunia wanted to sneer, but it became a snort instead. 

She still stood very upright, but the tone of her voice became less hostile, and she even slightly lowered her broom. „Is this what you‘re going to write in your newspaper, Mr Crow?“ she said.  
„That you found a boy, but he can‘t talk to snakes, he just got let down by his own sorts?“

„It‘s Crowley, and I assure you, I have no idea what to write, because I have no idea what‘s going on here. He can talk to snakes though. That‘s a nice bit, at least.“

„You really must be a demon, if you like that kind of thing,“ Petuniasaid bitterly, but not with the same fervour as before. „I know what kind of people talk to snakes, and he‘s none of them. He can‘t be.“

Crowley just looked at her. 

She tried to stare him down, gave up after a few seconds, and her face fell. „He‘s my sister‘s baby,“ she said. „He can‘t be. She wasn‘t… the snake-ish sort.“

Crowley was impressed. Evil, bitter, and still realistic. He started liking her. 

„Cuppa tea?“ he asked.

She nodded. She turned her head and yelled. „Harry! Two cups of tea!“ 

The kid rushed towards the kitchen.

„Don‘t! Go back and keep packing!“ hissed Crowley quickly in Parseltongue, and Harry, who had already been half into the room, looked at him with big eyes and ran away again.

In Human, Crowley said to Petunia: „I wouldn‘t touch anything he prepares, if I were you.“

That was a tad cruel, also a tad untrue, but too good to miss. 

It turned out he had hit home much harder than intended.

Petunia sank on a chair. 

„Oh God,“ she moaned. „I have a little one, as old as him, and he trank tea and cocoa this one made! I should never have allowed it. I shouldn‘t even have taken him in. Just because Lily was my sister. What a sentimental idiot I‘ve been.“

Crowley snapped his fingers, and two cups of nice steaming tea appeared on the table in front of them. Crowley sat opposite of her, and tried to calm her further down. As much fun as scaring her was, he did have his pride as the First Tempter, and temptation was going to be more efficient. Temptation was about what she wanted, too.

„You did the right thing,“ he said reassuringly, „but sometimes, doing the wrong thing is better.“

„I‘m not drinking that either,“ said Petunia, staring at the cup in front of her.

„Then make your own tea,“ said Crowley, demonstratively taking a sip of his own cup.

Petunia shot him a grim look, and closed her hands around the tea cup. She didn‘t drink from it though.

„What am I raising here?“ she asked Crowley. 

Crowley shrugged.

Petunia‘s face hardened. „I don‘t want to raise the next you-know-who,“ she said. „If he can do snakes, who knows what else he‘ll do next. I don‘t want to be responsible for that. But I‘m bound. I made a promise.“

Crowley smiled. „I can help you there.“

She snorted again, with a hint of amusement, and for the first time, her eyelashes fluttered. „A deal with the devil?“ she asked.

Crowley‘s smile got broader. „Oh, I hope we can leave my boss out of that. A deal with me will have to do.“

At least he hoped so. The kid was awfully tightly tied to the place, he could feel it in his bones. But he was going to burn that bridge when he got there.

„And you‘ll want what, my soul?“ asked Petunia tartly.

Crowley couldn‘t help smiling at her. „Petunia, I adore your soul, tarnished by lifelong bitterness. You‘re delicious. Hell would love to have you. But I‘m not really a soulcatcher. I just want to mess with the bloody wizards. Keep your soul. The boy will do.“

Petunia actually blushed a bit under his smile. She probably wasn‘t called delicious very often. 

„And what will you… and he won‘t come back?“ she asked.

„No.“ Certainly not. Crowley was already hellbent on defending this precious sweet little snaketalker at all costs.

Petunia had one more moment of hesitation. „Will my own little one be okay? Not involved in the deal?“

Crowley could acutely feel the oppressive magical lid on the house, the conflict of magic that swirled around the boy. 

„I‘d move places, if I was you. Get a new house. I can put up better protections than this noisy crap in here, interfering with everything.“

That was also a bit cruel, a bit exaggerated, but he couldn‘t help himself. Her fear of magic was as delicious as her bitterness, and it matched his disdain of magic, especially this here that dared to affect a demon.

Petunia wasn‘t happy about any of this. „Do we really need protection when he‘s not attracting trouble any more?“ she asked.

Crowley nodded. „Whatever might one day come looking for him, will start looking wherever you are.“

That sealed it. 

Petunia nodded resolutely and drank her tea in one draw.

„Okay, Mr. Crowley, demon, investigative journalist, or whatever,“ she said and stretched out her hand. „Let‘s do this. Take the kid, and give us protection.“

Crowley shook her hand and nodded. „With pleasure, Petunia. Unfortunately, there will be a lot of paperwork. But let‘s start with putting up a basic contract.“

„A contract?“ asked Petunia.

„Of course. Who do you think invented bureaucrazy?“ 

That made her smile.

„It‘ll be easier if the boy signs it too,“ said Crowley, and wasn‘t surprised when Petunia didn‘t object to that at all. 

„Harry!“ she called, and Harry came running. Crowley was pretty sure the boy had listened at the door and heard pretty much all of it already, but the kid was good at making an innocent face. Crowley was so proud.

He kept the basic contract as simple as possible, ten pages only. But as soon as they all had put their names on it, a loud bang shook the whole house, and an old, well-dressed wizard with a long white beard appeared in Petunia‘s livingroom and looked around menacingly.

„Crowley!“ said the wizard with thundering voice.

Albus Dumbledore. Who else would meddle like this? Crowley raised an eyebrow.

„And you are?“

„You know who I am. I‘ve thwarted your interference quite a few times, haven‘t I?“

Yeah, that had been quite annoying, and was one more reason to detest wizards. Crowley shrugged. 

„Not sure I remember.“

„What are you up to, Crowley?“

Dumbledore gave him the most piercing stare. Legilimental… thing? Oh well. If he really wanted to. Crowley wasn‘t even going to bother deflecting that. As he had no devious plan here, all the old man would get was a headache, and smelling sulphur everywhere for a few days. Maybe an appetite for mice, too.

„That‘s Mr. Crowley for you, and I‘ve been up to an adoption. I stumbled across this boy who‘se headwound stinks to the deepest hell, so naturally, I took an interest, and Petunia and I agree that I can look after him much better than you and your lot can. So I‘m a dad now. I think congratulations, however insincere, are in order.“

Dumbledore didn‘t like this one bit.

„We will not allow that you take the boy! He‘s in very grave danger. We‘ve put him under our protection, and there he‘ll stay. He belongs to us, and we‘ve put up the most powerful spells in the world to keep him safe.“

Crowley didn‘t care what wizards allowed, and only smiled at that.

„I‘ve got the adoption papers right here, signed by all three of us. You can write a note of protest, of course, and take up a battle with the bureaocracy from Hell, but I doubt there is anything you could do that could cancel a legally binding contract I‘ve signed.“

Dumbledore gave him a cold look.

„Yes, I think that‘s what I shall do,“ he said. „I shall put in my note of protest, right now, to a higher authority.“

And to Crowley‘s fascination, he actually, honestly, started to draw a circle on the ground with his magical wand thing, and wrote a whole lot of sigils onto it that Crowley had to admire for the boldness of them. 

But it would take a while to complete the circle, so Crowley sat on a chair and pulled Harry onto his lap. Boys that age were too old for the lap, but he did it anyway, to make a point.

Harry didn‘t resist. He was actually very interested in what the wizard did, but as soon as Crowley spoke, he was all ears.

„Listen, kid, you like snakes, right? Not afraid? Not at all?“

„No, of course not, you know that,“ said Harry.

„And what about other animals, like, chamaeleons, toads, insects, flies, for example? Do they scare you?“

„No.“

„Barracudas?“

„What are those?“

„Fish with sharp teeth. Eat human flesh.“

„Cool!“

Crowley grinned.

„Very well. Okay, look, this contract, for the adoption, we‘ll have to let the head lawyerss on my side check it and see if whe did it right. I‘m a demon, so they‘re demons too. You‘re not afraid of me, are you?“

Harry shook his head.

„Very good. Now, the thing is, these head lawyers look scary, but that comes with their job, I told you, they‘re lawyers. The thing iss… the thing iss, they‘re going to be on our side. So, you don‘t let go of my hand, and don‘t be afraid, and you just have to be brave while some grownups are yelling at each other, and probably throwing some magic or some furniture around. And when it‘s over, I‘ll take you home with me. Think you can do that?“

Harry had the biggest smile on his face. „Of course! So it‘s you, Aunt Petunia, and demon lawyers, against the wizards? I know who‘s going to win!“

Crowley couldn‘t help himself, he had to hug the boy, a completely undemonic hug. He was just so proud of him.

Only then did he realize that they had spoken in Parseltongue the whole time. The look that Dumbledore gave him told him the fight had just gotten ten times more interesting. These wizards were up to something, and Crowley couldn‘t wait to find out. Also, what, did old Dumble just listen in to a whole conversation in Snake? He was going to follow that up, later.

But first, he had to face someone he had told the kid not to be afraid of. 

Demons are liars. 

+

„This better be important.“

Lord Beelzebub stood in Dumbledore‘s brightly gleaming summoning circle, upright, sharp and collected as usual, not making one unnecessary movement or word. Seeing that the room hadn‘t allowed for a very big summoning circle, and they couldn‘t leave it, they wouldn‘t have had much room to move anyway. 

If they were angry, they didn‘t let it show. Crowley was fine-tuned to the subtle vibrations around them though to feel rather uneasy right now. 

Aunt Petunia shrieked, and Crowley bowed, instructing the kid to do the same. The kid hadn‘t shrieked, even though Lord Beelzebub wasn‘t in their Glow-up form they used on Earth, or to meet Gabriel. No, this was what Beelzebub wore for a business day in hell: a formal suit but not formally buttoned up, oozing boils all over their face, and hundreds of flies swarming around them. Crowley was glad that the kid made a good impression. Actually, Petunia made a good impression too, demons liked to be feared.

Beelzebub looked around.

„Crowley.“

„Lord Beelzebub. I apologize for the circumstances.“

„I should have known it‘ you when I heard there is trouble up here.“

„Thank you, my Lord. Doing my best.“

Beelzebub nodded. „As long as it‘s not trouble for our side.“

Then they finally acknowledged the presence of the wizard. „Albuzzzzzz.“

„Beelzebub. It‘s been a while.“

Oh, thought Crowley. On informal terms, are we? He wasn‘t sure he liked it, but he didn‘t have a choice in the matter.

„Thankfully. What is it you want?“

It was very apparent that ‚Albuzzzz‘ had already learned not to waste Belzebub‘s time and to be as direct as possible.

„I want you to annul the contract that the demon Crowley has made with Petunia Dursley, standing over there, over the custody of her nephew here called Harry Potter.“

Beelzebub stretched out a demanding hand, and Crowley put the contract in their hand.  
Beelzebub read it thoroughly. 

„Seems in order to me,“ they said. „Even the boy has signed it.“

„His aunt didn‘t have the right to sign him away, he has other legal guardians too.“

Beelzebub looked at Petunia, then a few seconds longer at Harry, then back at Dumbledore.

„Then Crowley can share custody with whoever else is there. Do throw some more souls into these deals, Crowley, for the sake of good style, if nothing else. Albuzz, why is this important enough that you bother me with it? Who is this Harry Potter that I get summoned over him?“

Albuzz Dumbledore returned the gaze of the Prince of Hell without fear. „Harry Potter is the most well-known wizard in our world, and also the one who needs the most protection. His parents defeated Voldemort.“

„Who‘s that?“

„I think you might know him under the name of Tom Riddle.“

Lord Beelzebub nodded. „Riddle. The worst of the wizarding world, did I mention we hate wizards? Because we hate wizards. A net win of souls, this Riddle, but he also always tried to swindle us with cheap tricks. His whole existence is an insult. How is he?“

„Tom Riddle is dead.“

Lord Beelzebub shook their head. „Tom Riddle is not dead. I would have heard about it if we had harvested his soul.“

„He is… not dead? Then Harry is in even bigger danger. I suppose you have no interest in helping Tom Riddle come to power again. We should work together in this.“

That put a small smile on Lord Beelzebub‘s face. Crowley hadn‘t seen this smile often, and was worried. Someone in here was done for, and he could only hope it wouldn‘t be him.

„And what could you offer me in return, Albuzz? As you are so interested in this boy, what can you give me that would interest me just as much?“

„I can certainly get my hands on a number of unholy artifacts, if you have anything specific in mind,“ said Dumbledore.

„Hm, you know me, Albuzz, I see. There is a package in your Gringott‘s vault that I am very interested in.“

Dumbledore gave this some thought, while looking at Beelzebub, as if trying to catch another clue. 

„You already have what this item can give,“ he said.

„It can do more than that. Who knows what the future brings? I want insurance.“

Beelzebub turned their head to Crowley.

„And what does the boy give us that we want?“

„Disorder,“ says Crowley confidently, falling into his usual boastful and flippant tone of their business meetings. „Chaos. Conflict. The protection on his house is outrageos, all to let a boy vanish from sight? If the wizarding world wants us not to find him so badly, I thought I‘d take him and see what happens.“

Beelzebub shook their head. „And how long have you had plans to do this?“

„Errr… yesterday?“

Beelzebub gave that remark the five second of icy silence it deserved. „I see.“

Dumbledore looked at Crowley, and Crowley felt the Leggithing brushing over him again. Wizards were so annoying.

„Mr. Crowley, can you protect Harry from Dark Wizards?“

„Sure. You know what I can do, I guess.“

„Yes. You can protect him, but will you?“

„Will I protect my own son? Of course I will.“

Dumbledore looked sad. „But at what price? As much as I want to see him safe, I can‘t risk losing him to the Dark side.“

„I‘m not the Dark side. I‘m the demon side. I can and will protect him.“

„Strong words, but will you put them into the contract? Protection against Death Eaters and Dark Magic? That you‘ll keep him safe, and raise him to be a good person, and with that, I mean a good human, not a good demon?“

The boy already was a good human, but Crowley wouldn‘t dare say that in front of Lord Beelzebub.

„If that‘s what it takes for you to agree, okay,“ he said. „I guess I can find him tutors for the being good part. Maybe even get him a dog. Yeah, put it in. And for the record, his aunt and uncle asked for no such thing.“

„And you teach him no Dark Magic.“

„I‘m not going to teach him any magic,“ said Crowley. „Do I look like a magician to you?“

„He has to go to Hogwarts when he turns eleven,“ said Dumbledore. 

„He absolutely does not,“ said Crowley.

„He does,“ said Beelzebub. „If he‘s a wizard, he needs to learn how to use his powers.“

Crowley gave them a betrayed look. Lord Beelzebub must know something, or must want this thing that Dumbledore could give him quite a lot. It was certainly worth more than a scrawny kid. 

„I don‘t trust this lot with him,“ said Crowley. „Did you see what they did to this house?“

„He has to be taught.“

It did sting a bit to see Lord Beelzebub and Durmbledore come to an agreement like this, over his head. He knew that Hell‘s promises in this case weren‘t worth the paper they were burnt into. Hell knew that next year, the Antichrist would come into his power, the world would be destroyed, and and any and all wizards with them. Beelzebub probabyl wondered why Crowley even bothered, but wasn‘t above taking advantage of the situation.

Crowley felt a tug at his hand, and bent down to Harry.

„Anthony,“ whispered Harry, worried. „I‘m not a wizard.“

„Yes, you are,“ said everyone in the room at the same time.

„I‘m what?“

„A wizard, kid,“ said Crowley. „You must be. Or that thing on your head would‘ve killed you.“

„I can‘t do a single bit of magic,“ said Harry, still not believing, and not looking happy about it.

Dumbledore gave him a friendly smile. „You‘re still very young, Harry,“ he said. „It‘s unusual to do much magic before the age of eleven. Actually, I‘d rather prefer it you‘d wait until we can teach you to do it safely.“

„Safely,“ snorted Crowley, who suddenly had the urge to teach the kid his first spell, just to spite the old fart. „Safe wizard, no such thing.“

„Safe enough,“ said Dumbledore, „and immensely safer than an untaught wizard.“

„He only goes if I go too,“ said Crowley. „You better find me a place at that school, with very specific and spacy accomodations, because I‘ll keep an eye on this kid if you throw him among wizards. If he goes to that school, I go, that all better be in the contract, or I‘ll find a magical school for him that I like better.“

Dumbledore smiled and nodded.

Beelzebub lifted a hand, and several new pages appeared in the contract, the words barely legible because most of them were burning. 

„I want to see the other guardians sign this,“ they said. „Now that wizards are involved in the contract, it‘s complete demon custody or nothing. Human woman! Who‘s the other guardians?“

„My husband,“ Petunia said, fighting down the urge to cover her mouth against the flies, and the smell, but she was too scared to offend this demon who was a Lord. „But he‘ll agree with me, I‘m certain.“

„Ask him then.“

Beelzebub snapped their fingers, and a huge, fat man joined them in the living-room.

The man instantly started yelling, and Beelzebub miracled him silent even quicker than Crowley could. The man stood there with glassy eyes.

„I protest against his treatment,“ said Dumbledore. „This is not a way to treat humans.“

„It‘s my way. Human, are you this boy‘s legal guardian? Answer quickly, yes or no.“  
The man only glanced over quickly to the boy, but it was enough for the boy to try and hide behind Crowley, something he hadn‘t done when a powerful wizard, or a very powerful demon had popped out of thin air.

„Yes,“ said the man in a flat voice. 

„Your wive wishes for the boy Harry Potter to be adopted by the demon Crowley, standing right there, in exchange for protection against magical harm. Do you agree to this contract, and will you sign it?“

„Hell yeah,“ said the man, and Beelzebub even showed a very tiny smile, for the fraction of a second.

„Mr Dursley!“ said Dumbledore. „You and your wife entered a binding agreement of the most ancient and powerful magic, you can‘t just overwrite that with a contract with the devil!“

„I can try,“ said the man. He was terrible, annoying and selfrighteous. It was sure to please Lord Beelzebub.

Dumbledore looked at Beelzebub.

„There is another guardian,“ he said, but not as firmly as before. „But I heard that some hellish creatures have already reduced him to a shell of his former being, voiding his ability to sign contracts, which would count as unlawful interference. I‘m afraid the contract is invalid.“

„Who is it?“

„One of yours, I‘m afraid. Sirius Black.“

Beelzebub stood there for a moment in silence, then they shook their head. 

„Daaaagon!“ they yelled.

Harry flinched, but Crowley gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

Another demon appeared, breaking through the kitchen floor tiles, covered in silvery scales, with a mouth full of pointy teeth and cold, intense eyes. Crowley liked the scales, but that was about it. If Beelzebub was the ruthless side of bureaucrazy, Dagon, Lord of the Files, was the exasperating one.

„Lord Beelzebub?“

„Do we have a Sirius Black, human, or shell of a human, probably a wizard? Answer quickly.“

Lord Beelzebub was probably the only demon in the world who could get a quick and solid answer out of Dagon who tended to be cryptic and long-winded.

Dagon had to huff for a second, to keep face. „No, we don‘t.“

That had been a waste of time then. Beelzebub‘s flies buzzed louder, a sign that their patience started to wear thin.

Beelzebub snipped their fingers, but no new human appeared. 

„He‘s in Azkaban,“ said Dumbledore. „High security cell. Extremely well protected.“

Beelzebub glared and snapped their fingers again. A haggard, dirty figure kneeled on the kitchen counter (floor space was getting rare), with long, filthy hair and an unpleasant smell that was noticeable even with Beelzebub in the room. 

Beelzebub‘s mood lifted again. Another human who was suffering in all this.

The new human threw them wild glances, until his gaze fell on the boy.

„H-harry???“ he croaked. „Harry?!“

He looked around. „Petunia? Dumbledore?“

Dumbledore nodded at him. „Sirius.“

„Sirius Black. You recognize all these people?“ asked Beelzebub. „Then you may answer a question that the demon Crowley has for you.“

The demon Crowley wasn‘t certain at all that Sirius Black understood anything beyond recognizing some faces. Black‘s gaze was sharp, but had problems focussing.

„Sirius Black,“ he said. „This is a hearing for an adoption. The Dursleys have agreed that I adopt Harry. All we need is you to agree to it, too.“

„I can‘t hand my godson over to a demon!“

„You think this lot did better? He doesn‘t even know who his parents were, and how they died. They told him it was a traffic accident.“

„A traffic accident?“ The prisoner didn‘t look like he had it in him to stand up unaided, but he could yell. „What the hell, Petunia, what have you turned into? A banshee? And Dumbledore? How could you do that to James and Lily, not telling their kid how brave they were?“

„It‘s all to protect him,“ said Dumbledore calmly. „He mustn‘t be found by the Deatheaters.“

„Listen, guys, LISTEN, Lord Beelzebub doesn‘t have time for this,“ said Crowley urgently. „Mr Black, the Dursleys don‘t want the kid, but I do. I‘ve raised kids before, I know what I‘m doing, and I‘m not in this to destroy this boy. I just want to shake the wizarding world a bit and see what bits are going to fall out.“

„Demons raise kids?“ hissed Black sarcastically. 

Crowley made a noncommittal gesture. „Well, yeah, one kid so far, but he‘s turned out well, so that‘s that.“

„And you‘re sure you can keep the Death-Eaters away from him?“

Crowley shrugged. „Better than the spells they‘ve put on this house, that‘s for sure. Magic is no match for what I can do.“

Sirius glared at him, then at Dumbledore, who nodded.

„Is that it now? Everyone signing this contract now?“

„What, just like that? You don‘t want me to throw in what‘s left of my soul?“ sneered Black, who was exceptionally bad at reading the room that became buzzier with every second.

Beelzebub stared at him and completely failed to intimidate him. Crowley was impressed.

„Zzziriuzzz Black. Your soul isn‘t worth my time. Sign this, yes or no? Answer quickly.“  
Sirius look around, still extremely suspicious of everyone, and then suddenly laughed.

„Yes. Why not.“

Crowley felt Harry tug at his hand again. Crowley looked down at him.

„Anthony? Doess he have to go back to prison?“ the boy whispered in Parseltongue.

Crowley wasn‘t sure. „I think so.“

„Can‘t whe adopt him too?“

Crowley threw his head back and laughed a big laugh.

„Can‘t we adopt him too?“ he repeated, in Human, and he made sure he saw Dumbledore‘s face when he said it. Dumbledore, against his expectations, looked rather moved.

For all the other adults in the room, it was deliciously obnoxious to add another adoption to the terrible mix.

„Well, kid,“ said Crowley, „do I want to adopt a filthy, mouthy, dangerous evil wizard? Heaven yeah, kid. You bet I do. Lord Beelzebub, this Black is among the worst the wizarding world currently has to offer. Can I keep him?“

He looked at Beelzebub for reassurance. Beelzebub only shrugged and added a dozen new pages to the contract. „As long as I‘m not summoned again for it, mess with the wizards as you pleazzzzze.“

The buzz of the flies hit such an angry note that what actually was a generous thing to say sounded rather threateningly. Well, he got an emotion out of Lord Beelzebub and lived. Crowley was rather pleased with himself. He bowed again.

„Would you want to be a godparent to my new sons?“ asked Crowley, because it was the polite thing to do.

„Heaven, no. I have more important things to do.“

„Well, then, Sirius Black, ready to adopted?“

„By a demon?“

„Got anything better to do with your life?“

Sirius stared at him.

„Give me one good reason why. Just one.“

„I have Harry.“

„Only if I sign this.“

„Lizzzzten, human, I recommend you for still being able to give us shit after being thrown to the dementors, but don‘t test my patience any further or I‘ll find someone worse to torment you. Get adopted along with the stinker, yes or no? Answer quickly.“

„Yes.“

„Then everyone **zzzzzign thizzzzzz now!** “

  


Beelzebub signed first, an intricate sigil of fire that set the entire contract in flames without consuming the paper. Everyone else after them burned their fingers when they touched the still burning paper, but no one protested. 

Dagon took the contract, and let it burn to ashes in their hands, carefully pocketing the remains. 

Dagon gave them all a wide, sharp toothed smile. „We‘ll have this. Copies for everyone as soon as I can be bothered. Mr. Crowley, Mr. Crowley, Mr. Crowley, Mr. Dumbledore, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, feel free to break the contract. A revised and enhanced set of the usual sanctions for violating the contract has been put on this one, and I‘m looking forward to see what kind of damage they can do to you.“

„Albuzzzzz, is that all?“

The tone implied strongly that it was, and Dumbledore nodded and wiped out the sigil that held Beelzebub in place. Beelzebub and Dagon vanished instantly.

„Well then, all of the Mr Crowleys,“ said Dumbledore, and for the first time, he smiled. „I think congratulations are in order, and they‘re sincere, if you believe it or not.“

„Not a believer much, me,“ said Crowley, „but thanks. I‘m taking the boys along with me. Can you sort out the legal side for Mr Sirius Crowley here? Or should I intervene directly at the Ministry? To be honest, I‘m done with paperwork for today, but if you offer me a chance to mess up the criminal records of the Wizarding World while the Prince of Hell is probably still keeping an eye on the situation, I couldn‘t say no, and I wouldn‘t be subtle about it. I‘d probably just call it a day and burn the building down.“

Dumbledore still smiled. „I think I can handle our side.“

„You really shouldn‘t have dragged Lord Beelzebub into this.“

„Oh, it was very refreshing to see them in such good, oh, I apologize, bad shape, wasn‘t it?“

Crowley shrugged. „You‘re going to pay a price for it.“

„Are you worried about me, Mr Crowley?“

„Just concerned about your sanity, seeing that you‘re going to be Harry‘s headmaster one day. You better run your school more careful than you write magical sigils, wizard.“

„Call me Albus.“

„I don‘t think so. Any primary magical education the kid needs to have before he‘s eleven?“

„As I said, it‘ll probably better if he wouldn‘t start before he has a wand to channel his powers, but if you want, I can arrange a tutor for some basics.“

„Not necessary, I adopted a criminal wizard for that.“

Dumbledore‘s smile faltered. 

„But you will allow me to have a cup of tea with Harry from time to time, I hope?“  
„That‘ll depend entirely on how this whole mess wraps up. We‘ll be in touch within the next days anyway.“

Dumbledore nodded. „This will be a huge mess, but in a way, I‘m looking forward to it. This might all give Harry perfect protection, and that‘s what counts.“

The smile was back. „And you really would come to Hogwarts with him?“

„It‘s in the contract.“

„I might have a teaching position I could offer you. Are you familar with Defense against the Dark Arts?“

„I‘ve already told Petunia, I consider magic to be on par with a skin disease. I have no intention spreading it around. My own work will keep me busy enough. I just need my own heated greenhouse, a place to set up a librabry and my own librabrian, and a wine cellar.“

„And a place for me, because where Harry goes, I go,“ rasped Sirius. 

„Yeah, and that,“ said Crowley. „Just so you can prepare.“


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear readlings, you get a chapter! Real life still slows all I do, but I feel bad for the long time with no updates, so here is a chapter, even if it doesn't take the story very far and feels a bit unpolished. I was right that it would take them at least three chapters to leave town ;) 
> 
> When I said it was a slow-moving story, I didn't think that would include the upload speed of new chapters. Everyone, thank you for waiting patiently, thank you for all the kudosses (how are people still kudossing this fic? how?) and the comments! All the good feedback for the story makes me really happy!

+

Finally, even Dumbledore was gone, and Crowley was alone with his new children and the Dursley couple. He closed a hand around Sirius’ arm. He wouldn’t trust this guy with another change of location within such a short time without guidance. Sirius looked incredibly unhealthy, but held himself quite upright for that. It wouldn’t do to underestimate him.

"Petunia, my dear, would you drive us to the hotel, please?“

Petunia threw a shy glance to her husband who had turned an unhealthy color, while still being silent and rather glassy-eyed.

"It‘s usually Vernon who drives.“

"Yeah, no, thanks. He‘s not driving me. You are.“

He also looked over Vernon. "Anything else I can get you, sweetie? An ambulance, or a divorce, maybe?“

Petunia drew herself up to her full height. “I love my husband,” she said icily.

“Not something a demon can help you with, love,” said Crowley. “I’m sorry.”

She didn’t answer and only reached for the car keys.

Harry was still holding Crowley’s free hand. He didn’t say good bye to Vernon when they left the living-room.

There was a sports bag in the hall, and when they passed it, Harry picked it up. It wasn’t heavy.

“That all you want to take with you?” asked Crowley.

Harry nodded. 

“Fine then. I can’t wait to leave this house.”

Dumbledore had lifted the spells on the house before leaving, and Crowley had put his own on. He still didn’t like the house.

Vernon’s car was nice and big, and Crowley sat on the back seat with Sirius. Sirius was tense, agitated and bewildered, and Crowley expected him to do something extremely rash and foolish any moment.

Harry went to sit in the front, next to his aunt, who didn’t look over to him even once.

"Your seatbelts,“ said Petunia, but Crowley just shook his head. She had a point though, he closed a hand around Sirius‘ wrist, for safety.

"Just drive, Petunia, dear,“ he said, "Don‘t worry about us. Before we get to the hotel, let’s get some food. Food for all of us, lots of soap for you, son.“

He rather enjoyed the way Sirius‘ eyes shone up with disgust when he called him that.

"I‘m not going to call you father.“

"Dad will do.“

"Not going to call you that either. What‘s your name, Crowley? Just Crowley?“

"Anthony J. Crowley, and if you don‘t stop bitching, feel a LOT like changing your name to Petunia J. Crowley, so shut up already. We‘re going to stop over in my hotel room to get ready, and then we can be at my flat in London tonight.“

"I don‘t need to step foot into your flat. I have a house in London.“

"I‘m sure I should keep an eye on you until we‘ve sorted out that little legal problem that you have. And Sweetie, just so you don‘t forget it: In the contract there was no mention of me having to be nice to YOU. So don‘t you piss me off.“

Harry turned to look at Crowley.

“Oh, I called you Anthony all the time, if he calls you dad now, do I call you dad, too?”

“Either one is fine, kid.”

“I’ll call him demon dad,” growled Sirius.

“I’ll call him snake dad,” said Harry and grinned. 

“Oh great, my kids are already ganging up on me after five minutes,” said Crowley, but with a smile. 

For the first time, Petunia spoke up. “Don’t call people snakes, Harry. It’s rude.”

“Sorry, Aunt Petunia,” said Harry automatically. 

_“Bullshit,”_ hissed Crowley in Parseltongue. And in Human, he said: “I don’t mind. Wizards don’t like snakes, but I’m not a wizard.”

The little swear in Parseltongue had made Harry bold enough to ask questions again. 

„Why don’t wizards like snakes?“

„For a reason,“ growled Sirius. „Evil Wizards traditionally use snake symbolism.“

„That means pictures of snakes,“ explained Crowley, „They don‘t know a thing about snakes. It‘s all just superstition.“

„Says the demon. Why does Harry call you a snake?“

„Because I am one.“

„Are you fucking kidding me? I‘ve been adopted by a snake?“

„Yep.“ Crowley started finding this grumpy guy kind of entertaining. 

Sirius threw a quick side glance at the snake tattoo on Crowley’s face.

“I hate snakes.”

Crowley grinned. “Wizards are idiots.”

„Are you sure you‘re not a dark wizard?“

„Absolutely sure, son.“

„Real snakes are really cool,“ said Harry reassuringly. „They‘re very pretty and they like me and come to me when they see me.“

„Oh, Harry,“ said Sirius. „That‘s not a good thing.“

Harry fell silent. 

„Hey,“ said Crowley sharply to Sirius. „Don‘t be a bitch. Give the kid some time to digest all the new information before you tear into him like that.“

„The kid has a name. And I‘m no bitch.“

„Could have fooled me. Woof.“

For a moment, Sirius looked like he wanted to jump out of the car. But then he sank back into the seat. „His name is Harry, not ‚kid‘“, he said. There was no more fire in his voice. It seemed to come and go very quickly. Or maybe he was just tired.

+

Petunia was a slow driver, but Crowley didn’t say anything. Very soon, they’d be in his own car, on his own terms.

They all were silent for a while, then Harry turned in his seat to look back at Sirius.

"You said my parents were brave.“

Sirius had been silent, but now was lively again in an instant. He gave Harry a smile. Not a very warm smile, but a smile. His smile was too bright, and too dark around the edges, but Crowley was impressed that after years in Azkaban, Sirius even had a smile.

"Yes, Harry. They were very brave. They were funny and kind and strong and the world is a much colder place without them.“

Crowley made faces at so much goodness, but on the other hand, people had kept this knowledge from the kid? Then he wanted the kid to hear it just to spite this kind of people.

"You knew them?“ asked Harry, his voice high and breathless.

The smile had almost faded out, but now it was back. "James Potter was my best friend ever since we came to Hogwarts. You look so much like him. But you have your mother’s eyes.“

Harry was happy to hear that, Crowley could see that. "So that‘s why you were made Harry‘s godfather,“ he said. "I was kind of wondering about that.“

"You didn‘t know who I was? Who the Potters were? Have you lived under a rock during the wizarding war?“

Crowley shrugged. "I don‘t really follow the wizarding world. It‘s so incredibly boring and most of all, small. There‘s more to the world than the damp nooks and crannies wizards have crammed their little world in.“

Sirius snorted. "I think I might start to like you a bit, demon dad.“

"Yeah, I was afraid that was going to happen.“

+

Petunia was the first to spot the owl.

“We’re being followed,” she said. “By an owl.”

“What?” said Crowley, craning his neck so he could look out of the rear window and spot the bird himself. Yes, there it was. “An owl in daylight?”

“Wizards use them,” said Petunia, her face a frozen mask of disdain. 

Crowley looked at Sirius. “OK, wizard, what’s this?”

“Mail,” said Sirius. “One of us is getting mail.”

“What, by owl? Why not use pidgeons? Why not use, say, actual mail? I even gave Dumbledore my email address, and he sends me a bird of prey? Is that the wizard way of showing me the middle finger, or what?”

“It’s always owls,” said Sirius. “It’s traditional.”

They stopped at a red traffic light, and the owl passed them by, but soon came back and passed them by in the opposite direction, flying low over the car.

For the first time, Sirius showed an interest in the bird.

“It can’t find us,” he said, astonished. “Owls always find their target.”

“Yeah, not me,” said Crowley. “Or my kids. Or my lovely friend Petunia and her family. No wizarding bullshit for us, thank you very much.”

“It’ll keep looking for us,” said Sirius. “Maybe it’s an important message.”

“Yeah, and maybe five thousand Dark Wizards are just waiting for us to be dumb enough to open a letter bomb.”

“Mail owls can’t be weaponized,” said Sirius. “They’re protected against that.”

Crowley thought about it for a few minutes, then asked Petunia to stop in the next parking lot, where they all got out of the car, and Crowley sent Petunia to get them something to eat.

“I don’t know who this bird is looking for, but I’m not lifting the protection over Harry, so this owl better be looking for one of us two,” he said, putting a hand on Harry’s shoulder. “Sirius, how many enemies do you have right now that we need to be worried about?”

Sirius makes a face. “I honestly don’t know,” he said. “Right now, every dementor in the world, probably.”

“I can take care of that. Anyone else?”

“Everyone?”

Crowley made an unbelieving and slightly mocking face, and Sirius shrugged apologetically. “But owls are safe. They can’t get tracked. Let’s get that letter.”

“Yeah, you get it then,” growled Crowley. “No bird of prey is coming near me.”

Sirius grinned. He walked a few steps away on unsteady legs and Crowley snapped his fingers. The owl swooped down and landed on some advertising sign next to Sirius. It eyed Sirius and hooted. 

“It really has mail!” breathed Harry, looking at the cartridge on the bird’s foot. “And it’s so pretty!”

“See, Harry,” said Sirius. “Owls are friendly. They just want you to get your message. This one got two messages, and one is for me. And this is how you retrieve it. Steady hand, just open the tie that holds it.”

Sirius was not really great at the steady hand part, but without problems he took a cartridge off one of the owls feet. There was another one, but the owl tried to peck him when he wanted to take it.

“OK, that other one’s not for me,” he said. “Demon dad, it’s for you.”

Crowley sighed and walked over to them. The owl did not like him. It flapped its wings nervously when he came closer, and when Crowley tried to bring his hand near the message, it flew up, screeched and tried to claw the hand.

Crowley quickly withdrew the hand. “Feeling’s mutual,” he hissed. “Stupid bird.”

“But it is for you,” said Sirius. “It says so on the cartridge.”

“Not touching that,” hissed Crowley. “Whoever this is from, tell them to use my fucking email.”

“I can try and give the owl return mail. Do you have paper and a quill?” asked Sirius. 

“Do I have what? Have you got lost track of what century you’re in? Son, have you ever heard of a ball pen?”

Sirius eyed him with a small smirk. “A what?”

A second owl landed next to the first. Sirius eyed the cartridge at its leg. “Another one for you.”

“Not a chance in Heaven,” said Crowley, miracled up some paper and a wax crayon and gave it to Sirius. “Tell them they’re wasting their time. What did they write to you?”

Sirius took a tightly folded letter out of the cartridge, unfolded it and read it.

“Oh,” he said, and handed it over to Crowley. “You probably got sent a similar one.”

He scribbled a short letter while Crowley was reading what he’d got.

“I am what? I am a rehab facilitator? Am I purgatory, or what? Yeah, okay, demon, that checks out, technically. Close enough, I GUESS. What’s muggle society?” he asked. “Sounds like they send you to live among groundhogs or gophers or something.”

“Muggles are the non-magical people,” said Sirius.

“Yeah, you know what? I’m not a muggle, tell them that, I’m a demon. They want you to live the muggle life, sorry, but that’s not happening. How do they think I’m going to ward my house against witchcraft? With muggle tech? Are these people out of their fucking minds? You’re going to be covered in fucking demon sigils from the head to the tip of your prick, and you know what, I’m going to throw some extra pretty ones in for free. Oh, and stop writing owl letters. They demand that you live a muggle life? Then they can learn how to get letters the muggle way.”

Sirius made a sceptical face. “And how am I going to tell them that?”

Crowley snipped his fingers. On the foot of both owls, a new cartridge appeared, and the owls took off.

“Stupid birds,” hissed Crowley.

“But they’re so pretty,” said Harry. “Why does Aunt Petunia know so much about owls and wizard mail?”

Sirius looked at him, surprised. “From your mother, of course.”

“Was my mother a wizard?”

Sirius’ eyes narrowed. “Do I have to kill a banshee today?” he growled.

Crowled lifted a hand. “Can’t. I protect her from wizards. Including you. Tell the kid what he needs to know, but start slow. He knows absolutely nothing.”

Sirius needed a moment, but then he sighed. “Your mom was a witch, Harry. Male witches are called wizards, and your dad was a wizard.”

“And you’re a wizard,” said Harry. 

“Yes,” said Sirius, his eyes getting glossy. “And you. You’re a wizard like your parents were.”

Harry took a deep breath. “Why are there wizards who want to kill me?”

“Because when you were a baby, you killed the most powerful wizard of his time, and his followers are still mad about it.”

Harry shook his head. “My parents did that. Dumbledore said it. And then the demon lawyer said he’s not dead, because he’s not in Hell.”

Sirius stared at Harry, speechless for a few seconds. 

_“Shit.”_

Crowley nodded. “And that was the point where Dumbledore basically handed the boy over for an extra layer of protection.”

Sirius gave him a critical look. “Why, isn’t Voldemort working for your side?”

Crowley snorted. “He tried, but we still hate him. We hate wizards, and he’s more wizard than anyone. I especially hate him, because he gave snakes a bad rep, and every demon thinks I was involved somehow. Which is ridiculous. I don’t even know what the heaven was going on at that time. I was in South America for a few years, minding my own business.”

“Oh, so you missed all the nice bloodshed and treason and fear and torture the Death Eaters were spreading? Aren’t those the things demons like?”

“Not as much as humans, apparently.”

Sirius gave him a grim stare, that Crowley returned. The day he would be outstared by a stubborn, slightly quivering human hadn’t dawned yet.

“Aunt Petunia’s coming back,” said Harry. “Oh wow, we get sandwiches!”

Crowley was not impressed by Petunia’s efforts at catering, but if the kid liked sandwiches, he would let it slide.

“Let’s take this talk to the hotel.”


	5. Snek and puppy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! Ha, very old chapter, which refused to come together for so long! But it seems my brain is in the exactly right way off today to finish it! Warning, it's looooong! Was tempted to split it up, but it's essentially one big scene. 
> 
> I heard some you like snark, hehe, I hope you'll like this chapter. Even my beta reader couldn't bring himself to ask me to streamline the chapter by losing Crowley-Sirius scenes. It was fun to write, and sets up some of my headcanons for this AU, so I hope it'll work.
> 
> I've been asked where the angel is, well, not here yet ;) but coming up. It's been a Crowley and Harry story, and now I've added Sirius. Next one in line is Aziraphale, but maybe not in the very next chapter yet. Sorry, but this IS a slowmoving fic!
> 
> Once again, thank you everyone for the interest and feedback! I'm very happy that the story is loved!

**There will be few sentences in Parseltongue in this chapter, and they'll come with a foot note to a plain English version! I haven't learned, forgotten, and then relearned how to do these footnotes for nothing!**

**PS: Edited for small mistakes on 21/9/19 and again on 22/9/19**

+

Crowley was relieved when the door to his hotel room closed behind them. The good-bye from Petunia had been short. Few sentences were exchanged between her and the boy, and then he had given Petunia his phone number and again insisted that they move out of that house and absolutely and immediately contact him when they do. He’d been tempted to tell her he’d burn down their current house in six months whether they moved or not. But he didn’t. Maybe Harry could burn it down himself when he was older and wanted to. It’d be educational.

For now, they’d left this chapter behind, and he was alone with his weird children. Which was good, because he had things to do.

“Okay, kids, just a pit-stop before we go to London,” he announced. “Get you dressed up and warded.”

He took some sandwiches out of the bag and grabbed Sirius again who was slightly swaying but remarkable upright considering the circumstances. He shoved Sirius towards the bathroom.

“Sirius, go have a few showers. I can smell five different dead people on you, not to mention a few other things I’m not going to speak out loud in front of children. As a demon, I’m kind of proud of you, I guess, but I don’t want any of those smells sink into the upholstery of my car. Unstink yourself, and I’ll ward you.”

He wasn’t sure if all the words had sunk in, but it got him a fierce glare from his newly minted son. The shove into the bathroom would speak for itsself and the sandwiches he laid onto the sink might help too. He’d have loved to stay and speed up things, he was looking forward to bring out even more of that rebellious streak in his oldest son. But he had another one he needed to look after first.

Back in the room with Harry, he dropped on the bed.

“I can’t believe we got away with all that,” he laughed.

Harry sat in one of the chairs, looking a bit lost, but he was munching on food, and Crowley liked the look of that. A lot.

“Are these sandwiches any good?” he asked. Harry nodded enthusiastically. “Good,” said Crowley. “Or I would have to go back and prank Petunia’s kitchen right now. Not that I wouldn’t want to, but I’m kind of busy.”

They exchanged a conspiratory grin.

“So, kid, what color do you like your clothes to be?”

“Err… why?”

“Because you’re not wearing those rags any longer. Any specific wishes? Color, shape, anything? Want a space suit, or a knight’s armour? Can’t recommend those, by the way, very unpleasant to wear. So, what’s it to be?”

“Just clothes is fine. Maybe with snakes on them?”

“By all means, little snake spawn.”

Crowley grinned, and snapped his fingers. Blue jeans, and a black shirt, and because he liked colors on kids, lots of snakes in all colors printed on the shirt. Harry was happy, and Crowley had an idea how much Petunia would hate it, and he was quite happy with both of that. He didn’t understand Petunia. Sure, he valued bitterness and spite, but come on. Clothing and feeding Harry was such a joy. Petunia had deprived herself of that for what? She was a mother. He was a demon and did this better than her. Maybe he should have recruited Petunia right there in front of the hotel, sub-contracted some demon work to her. She had potential. Maybe something to think about in the future.

For now, he had a happy snake boy to concentrate on.

Crowley pointed vaguely in the direction of the phone on his nightstand. “If you want to let someone know that you’re moving away, they could come over and say good-bye. Friends from school, something like that. We’ll be here for a few more hours. You can call someone.”

Harry shook his head.

“You sure?” asked Crowley, remembering the bit where Harry had said that Petunia rarely let him out of her sight. He also was pretty certain she hadn’t wanted anyone to pay any closer attention to the kid and how it lived.

Harry nodded, and Crowley left it at that. He allowed himself the luxury of a few quiet minutes, to prepare himself for the messy part. But not too long. This was going to be fun. He jumped off the bed so quickly that Harry flinched.

“I’m going to put some nice, demonic wards on your brother, like I promised,” he said, and couldn’t help smirking. “Better cover your ears, kid, because I feel there’s going to be some adult languge coming up. It won’t take too long, don’t worry.”

Snake dad wouldn’t have had to tell him, because Harry didn’t like scary noises, and even through his hands on his ears, he could hear the two men arguing in the bathroom.

+

When they came back into the hotel room, Crowley was soaked, including his hair, clinging to his face, but the sun glasses were still in place.

Sirius wore a white hotel bathrobe, had also dripping wet hair and smelled of shower gel. What Harry could see of his face, chest and hands was covered in lots of black writing, some of it glowing red. Harry couldn’t read it, and had never seen anything like it.

“Sorry about the noise, kid,” Crowley said. “Now, let’s get some wards on you, too.”

Sirius jumped. He grabbed Crowley by the front of his shirt and with unexpected force for someone smaller, frailer and less demonic, forced Crowley to turn around and face him.

“You keep your hands off my godson!” he yelled. “You’re not going to ward Harry with any of that!”

“Sirius, it’s okay,” said Harry, urgently. “If this protects me from the people who want to kill me, it needs to be done. I’m not scared of snake dad’s magic. I’m scared of those wizards.”

Sirius glared at Harry, then at snake dad. “He’s too young. Do something else.”

“Calm down, son,” said snake dad and gently tried to pull Sirius’ hand off his shirt. “He doesn’t need any of those as long as I’m there to protect him. But I can’t always be there. I have things to do. Both of you need to be safe when I’m not around. I’m only going to do the absolute minimum. I wish I could cover him in any sigil imaginable, but I can’t. Harry has residual magic on him that I’m not going to mess with right now. Harry, show him the scar.”

Harry obliged, and showed the scar.

“There you are, wizard,” said snake dad. “This is our problem. What do you think is that?”

“I don’t know,” said Sirius.

He let go of the demon and kneeled down before Harry. This was the closest Harry had been to him so far, to a person who actually and for real had loved his parents and spoken well of them. And he had been totally fearless in the face of three demons and not given in to them before he had been absolutely certain that Harry would be safe. Harry didn’t mind that Sirius still looked awful, and that he was still nervous and yelled a lot. Just one minute ago, Sirius had been ready to pick a fight with an actual demon to protect him.

Sure, Harry liked snake dad a lot. But right now, in this moment, he loved no one in the world more than this weird, rubbish looking wizard with the bad teeth and the tattoos and wards on his chest who knelt before him, and looked at him with so much concern in his eyes.

Sirius looked at the scar closely. “Does it hurt, Harry?”

Harry shook his head. “No. My aunt and uncle said I got it in a car accident. They said the car accident killed my parents. Is that true?”

“No, it’s not,” growled Sirius. “I can’t believe they didn’t tell you the truth. They were murdered. It’s not a pretty truth, Harry. I’m sorry. But you should know.”

“I want to know,” said Harry. He wasn’t crying. He had cried for his parents when he had been smaller. “I want to know all about them. Not knowing is as if they never existed. If I know something, even if it’s a bad thing, that’s still better than nothing. What happened to them?”

Sirius made a pained face. “It’s really not a pretty story. They had been fighting against Death Eathers, and went into hiding for a few weeks in a new place. But they were found, and the Leader of the Death Eaters, Lord Voldemort, found them and killed them. I’m sorry, Harry. We know he tried to kill you too, and no one has ever seen him since. You’re the only wizard who has survived an attack from this guy. I don’t know how. Maybe he didn’t attack, or the attack rebounded.”

“It did hit him,” said Crowley. “That’s not a scar. That’s the tail end of a powerful curse that got stuck and went wrong. It’s inactive, and it’s not affecting Harry in any way. But it’s still there. I can smell it leaking curse energy. Can’t you?”

“No,” said Sirius. “Shit. I was so happy when I heard you survived, Harry. I thought you’re safe now from this curse.”

“I’m okay,” said Harry. “It never does anything, really. For me, it’s just a scar.”

Sirius glared at the demon again. “What’s stopping it from going off one day? Can’t you get rid of it with your powers?”

Snake dad moved his head from side to side, weighing the options. “I’d rather not before I know what’s wrong with it. I mean, I could remove it, sure, it’s just a wizard curse, but if that was my curse, just as a thought, I’d make sure anyone who tries to remove it would regret it. My guess is it’ll take a good part of skull and brain with it, so no, let’s not do that.  
For now, all I can do is go extremely slow with the warding. His head didn’t explode when I shielded us all against wizard magic the moment Dumbledore took down his spells. So that’s something at least. I can also ward his clothes, and give him protective jewellery, but it’s never as safe as body wards.”

“You signed a contract to protect him and keep him safe, right?”

“We both did.”

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment. “Okay,” he said. “The absolute minimum. And slowly.”

+

Harry didn’t make it the big deal that Sirius had made of it. The kid knew nothing about magic, that made it easier for Crowley to get it done with.

He had written some short words on Harry’s arms, back and chest with a black quill – that Sirius of course had made fun of, and Crowley had kept his mouth shut about where a demon might get a quill feather from – and thankfully, Harry, never been warned against blood magic, hadn’t batted an eyelid when the black ink Crowley used had turned out to be his own demon blood. Sirius was disgusted, but Harry looked rather proud to have something of snake dad on him.

He made both his kids lie down on the big bed until the wards had sunk in. Maybe he shouldn’t be proud to see them next to each other, covered in demon blood. It was seriously cute though, he had to admit to himself.

“You okay, Harry?” asked Sirius.

“Yes. It burns a bit, but it’s okay. But look, it’s fading. Why does it disappear? I liked it.”

“Good question. Why don’t mine disappear like that?” asked Sirius.

“They will,” said Crowley. “It’ll just take more time. Harry got minimum security. You got stronger sigils, and a lot more of them. That’s going to take a while to sink in.”

He turned back to Harry. “Problems with the scar in any way? Headaches, nausea, anything?”

Harry shook his head.

+

It was a few minutes later that Sirius suddenly undestood why demon dad had insisted he had a lie-down for the spells to take hold. Up until now, the sigils that had faded into his body had only stung. Now they felt like they seared into him like actual fire.

“Shit, this is not good,” said Sirius, gasping for air.

Crowley gave him a sideglance. “Yep. The Dementor protection is setting in. Sorry about that one. They’re Hell’s creatures, they’ve marked you, it’s tricky for me to work around that. It needed some strongly worded language, and it’s not going to be pretty for it to take hold. I could make you sleep through it, but the curse will draw strength from your pain. Try to endure it.”

Sirius glared at him. Whatever Azkaban might have taken from him, it had given him an impressive glare.

“What the fuck do you mean by curse?”

“I’m a demon. My miracles are either Temptations or Curses. What did you think you’d get? Blessings?”

“How about spells?” asked Sirius through clenched teeth.

“I don’t do those.”

“Then what the fuck do you do?”

“I told you. Miracles.”

“With what?”

Crowley had quite enough of that tone. He frowned. “With my Demonic Powers. Of Evil. From Hell. The same place where roughly two thirds of wizard magic gets drawn from, if I recall correctly. The difference is that we demons know what we’re doing.”

+

“Do you really come from Hell?” asked Harry. He didn’t look happy about it.

Crowley frowned. Harry really hadn’t known what a demon was. That was probably why he hadn’t been afraid of demons. And Crowley wished he could have broken it to him gently, over time, when they had built some trust, but with Sirius around, he couldn’t hope for such a thing as tact.

“I told you, I’m from London,” he said. “I work for Hell, I don’t live there. It’s much nicer up here.”

Sirius, as foreseen, couldn’t let it lie. “Oh, you just work for Hell,” he hissed. “They probably pay well. What’s being a bit evil when you can profit from it? What are you in it for? World domination? Money? Fame? Power?”

“Alcohol, mostly,” said Crowley lightly. “Good company with it, ideally. And houseplants grow better up here.”

“Oh, right,” sneered Sirius. “You make people’s life miserable for a couple of plant hangers.”

In a way, it was refreshing to be hated on by this guy. Crowley grinned. “Hearing you gripe about it makes it more fun already,” he said. “That’s exactly the kind of thing demons thrive off. I could let you go on for hours and enjoy it, but there’s one thing you need to understand: Humans get to choose between good and evil. Demons don’t get to choose. The choice has been made for us. Being a demon is final, and eternal. Whether you like it or not isn’t going to change a thing.”  
He remembered himself in time that Sirius came from a bad place and wasn’t currently having the greatest time either, and gave him a sympathetic smile. “Sucks to have an evil dad, I know, but that’s where we are. It isn’t supposed to be easy for either of us.”

Sirius groaned. “Sorry,” he said. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to evil fathers.”

Crowley sighed and put a hand on Sirius’ chest. “I’ll slow the process down, that should ease things a bit.”

Sirius managed a small smile. “Thanks.”

Crowley sat back on his place on the mattress with a sigh. He was a bit surprised to see Harry slip next to him, and lean against his side. What reason did the kid have to trust him like this? Hadn’t he made himself clear?

He looked down at the slim shoulders, bare with only faintest traces of wards still visible, and at the small head with the weird smell and the round glasses. The urge to talk to him in Parseltongue was strong, but that was one discussion he didn’t want to have with the other kid right now.

“Those things aren’t really true, right?” asked Harry.

“Things?”

“About being evil and such. I haven’t seen you do a single evil thing all day,” said Harry.

“That’s a bit insulting, you know,” said Crowley, trying to look hurt. “I’ve been very evil. I broke into your house. I tempted your aunt to sell you to a demon, challenged the most powerful wizard in this country to do something incredibly stupid, made your aunt and uncle sign a contract they absolutely should have read through before signing, oh, and I kidnapped a criminal wizard. And besides. Evil is not what I do. Evil is what I am.”

Harry made a face, clearly unconvinced.

“What, I am kidnapped?” said Sirius and tried to laugh, with mixed success.

“Of course you are,” said Crowley. “You saw the letter. The ministry of magic graciously lets me keep you locked up or at least under control, as long as you stay in the muggle world. But here in the muggle world, it’s not legal to take someone home and keep him there just because some wizard said so.”

“What would you do if I stood up and went out of this door now?” asked Sirius.

“Slap you up the head and keep you in here until your wards are fully functional, my idiot child. There’s a whole world full of Dementors and Dark Wizards out there, so do yourself a favour and stay exactly where you are until your protection is working.”

“And then?”

“Then we go to London.”

“And what if I want to leave then?”

Ah. Time for another Temptation then. “Sirius, I wasn’t kidding when I said to Dumbledore that I need you to raise a wizard child. I know nothing about wizards. I need you to stay with us and help me with Harry. There’s a whole lot of human and wizard things I can’t teach him, and sometimes, I’ll have work that’ll keep me away for days. I want you to stay with us until Harry’s old enough to go to that Witchcraft School.”

He could see that Sirius liked that idea. But it was still Sirius, the guy who had just today gotten a commendation for being too obnoxious even for the Prince of Hell. He wouldn’t say yes just because it made sense.

“And what if I say no?”

“Then it’s a kidnapping.”

Sirius laughed, that loud, bellowing laugh he had also laughed when he had agreed to sign the contract. He looked at Harry and grinned.

“What do you think, Harry? Do you need a criminal wizard to handle your education?”

“Yes, please,” said Harry. “Please!”

“Okay, demon. You win. I stay.”

+

Harry’s body wards had soon disappeared, but he stayed in bed for a bit longer, to be a moral support for Sirius, and because it was really cozy with all of them sitting on the bed.

“So, how about a game of cards to pass the time?” asked Crowley.

They played Uno, for a warm-up, which Sirius didn’t know, but learned quickly enough to win, and then Crowley brought out his old and trusted Demon Top Trumps, a game he had designed for Warlock and himself to play, featuring his hellish collegues, heavily edited by a certain fussy gardener. Crowley had complained, but Warlock had actually liked the edited version better, and only asked for a poo category to be added which detracted way too much value from a certain snake demon card who was Nanny’s favourite, and in Warlock’s words “shit at poo”, but the giggles were worth it.

It looked like Warlock knew what was on, because Harry giggled too.

Sirius liked the game, too, and had some good ideas for new categories to add, like “being a dick to wizards” and “farting”, the last one nearly killing Harry from laughter when Crowley miracled up a new edition and they discussed the fartworthiness of every demon in the game.

They played a few rounds, and then Harry still spent time looking at all the cards. It so happened that he could do that easiest by sitting closely snuggled to his new dad’s side, in order to show him cards and ask questions.

“So, is Lord Beelzebub really the strongest card?”

“No, we initially had a Satan card that trumped all, but it set the game on fire, so I had to take it out.”

“Why is Lord Beelzebub stronger than the other Princes of Hell?”

“Because they’re my Prince, and I designed the game.”

“But are they really?”

“I would say so, yes. The Dark Council thinks they’re in power, but yeah. Not really. Lord Beelzebub runs this show now, and has been for a long time.”

“That’s not really a very pretty picture of them.”

“The game’s supposed to be fun. It’s not a documentary. I made all the pictures fun.”

“They all look awful,” said Harry and giggled. “Even you.”

“Me? Excuse you. I look amazing.”

*

Crowley had kept an eye on Sirius, who hadn’t been in the best condition to get such a heavy wardload pushed onto his body. Crowley was immensely proud of his impromptu warding frenzy that had taken quite a bit of creative improvisation to fit everything he wanted to have there on one thin guy, and not mess up the tattoos, half of which had some pitiful but certainly personally valued magic. It wasn’t going to be fun for Sirius to have all of the wards take hold, but still better than Azkaban, and there was a faint hope he’d start to have some respect for his demon dad. Okay, that hope was very faint.

It came to no surprise to Crowley that Sirius was desperate for distraction, and fart jokes and the like were probably not going to work for hours on end, so he miracled up some more sandwiches – of decidedly better quality than Petunia’s – for his kids, and they ended up simply talking.

“So, Sirius, what got you into high-security wizard prison?” asked Crowley.

Sirius eyed him warily and let his hand that held the sandwich sink. “You really don’t know?”

Crowley shrugged. “I don’t follow the news from the wizarding world. I assume you were news?”

“I was.” Sirius sighed. “I guess as my demon dad I need to tell you. Harry probably knows already.”

“No!” said Harry. “I didn’t even know wizards exist. I didn’t even know I had a godfather! I would have written you letters if I had known! I’m really sorry, you must have thought I hated you!”

Sirius gave him a weak smile. “I don’t think you would have been allowed to contact me. Or wanted to. I know what people think of me.” He turned his gaze away from Harry, into thin air.  
“I never had a trial, or a sentence. Even Death-Eaters got a trial. I got thrown into Azkaban right away, that’s how much they hated me. One day, trusted member of the Order of the Phoenix. Next day, arrested for murdering a whole street full of people and facilitating the murder of James and Lily Potter. But I didn’t do any of that.”

“I know you didn’t do it,” said Harry. “I know you’re good.”

Sirius shook his head. “That’s very sweet of you to say, Harry. Really, that’s nice, but you can’t know that.”

“Yes, I can!” insisted Harry with a smile on his face. “When they were looking for you to sign the adoption papers, Dumbledore said you were in Hell’s books. And then they couldn’t find you there! So if you don’t belong in Hell, you’re not a bad guy! Isn’t that right, Anthony? I mean, dad?”

Crowley nodded. “Yes, that’s right. Not owned by Hell. You’re not even waitlisted. Should have seen Dumbledore’s face when he realized it.”

“See?!” squealed Harry. “You’re officially good! Hell doesn’t want you!”

“Hell has adopted me, it seems, so at least someone in Hell wants me,” sighed Sirius, “And I’ve done many things in my life I’m not proud of. I’m not that good.”

“Let’s hope so,” said Crowley. “I’m contractually obliged to have one good kid, I think that’s about as much goodness as I can handle.”

Sirius chuckled. “So, demon dad, what did you do that got you in Hell?”

Crowley gave him a long look through his glasses. “Asked too many questions.”

Sirius lifted up his hands. “Okay, okay, no need to be so touchy. Keep your secrets. I probably don’t even want to know if it’s that bad.”

Crowley wanted to snarl at Sirius, asking him what he wanted to know so much about Hell for anyway, when all he needed to know was how to stay the fuck away from it?

But he’d seen how Sirius’ hands had never stopped shaking, his eyes never focussed for long, he’d seen the toll Azkaban had taken on his body.

And then there was Harry who tensed when people raised their voice. So, yelling unfortunatley was off the table for now.

“It’s not a secret,” he said. He tried to keep his voice steady and calm, knowing he wasn’t quite going to succeed. “And it’s not ‘that bad’. It’s ‘as bad as it gets’, if you’re an angel, when you’re losing Faith. I asked too many questions, and then hung out with the people who had answers, and boy were we becoming unpopular real quick. I never wanted to be a demon, I just wanted to be a less stupid angel. Got me a sentence of eternal damnation, which is one more of those things that don’t make sense. Punishing someone for not having Faith in you by making sure they’ll never forget you can’t be trusted? Isn’t that a bit dishonest? Kind of missing the mark? I mean, what is that supposed to prove?”

He saw the look on Sirius’ face and chuckled.

“That kind of questions. Didn’t make me friends back then, doesn’t now. Yeah. Whatever. I’m going to ask all the questions, and I’m going to look for answers, because what’s anyone going to do about it? I’m already in Hell. Might as well double down and be a less stupid demon.”

Sirius smirked. “Guess we’re lucky you weren’t a murderer and doubled down on that.”

“Were you really an angel?” asked Harry admiringly. “An actual angel?”

Crowley sighed. “What do they teach you in schools these days? All the older demons and most of the younger ones were angels. And I’m a very old demon.”

“How old are you?”

“Very old.”

“Yes, but how old?”

“Older than time.”

Harry was baffled. “How is that possible?”

“Angels were created before time was created.”

“But… really? There was a time before time?”

Crowley smiled fondly. Why were kids so ridiculously smart? “That’s the kind of questions I like. Look, Harry, there isn’t only one time. Every living being creates their own. Every star system has their own. Time is alive.”

“So you have your own time?”

“No. Demons are immortal, we’re not living things. We’re eternal. What use would time be for us?”

“But how do you know which way to face?” said Harry, who had secretly caught some Doctor Who when his cousin had been watching it. “How do you not accidentally walk into the past, or way too far into the future?”

Crowley grinned. “We use Earth as a kind of reference, out of convenience, at least for those of us who work here. Also, for the last few thousands of years, I’ve had a body. It comes with a built-in clock. A bit annoying, but you get used to it.”

Harry eyed at him suspiciously. “Is that really all true?”

Crowley shrugged.

“Sirius?” asked Harry.

Sirius sighed. “Probably. It doesn’t contradict anything I know about occult forces, but I never dealt with that.”

“What, never tried to summon a demon?” asked Crowley with a mocking smile. “I thought that’s a wizard thing.”

“The other sort of wizards. What would I want with a demon?”

“The keys to my car, probably. But you can forget about that, son. Apart from that, what do grown-up kids want from their dad? Money? Good advice? ‘When you have sex, use a condom?’ Like that?”

Sirius didn’t answer that. He was not in the mood for jokes. Or parental advice. “Why do you even bother with humans?” he wondered aloud. “We must look like insects to you.”

“I think you look like giants. You’ve been made to resemble your creator. That was a bit cruel, if you ask me. But you’re not boring, I give you that. And you make better wine than insects.”

Harry didn’t really like or understand that kind of discussion, and he had something more interesting to think over.

“Anthony, dad, you said star systems have their own time. Are stars alive?”

“Yes, they are.”

“Oh, come on, really?” said Sirius.

“They live and they die. Shouldn’t you know, ‘Sirius’? You’re named after a star,” said Crowley. “Is there a reason for it?”

“Old family tradition of the Blacks. My brother was Regulus. My father Orion, my grandfather Arcturus. My uncle, Cygnus. Among my cousins are Bellatrix, Andromeda and Draco. You can see the pattern.”

“I didn’t know families did that. That’s beautiful,” said Crowley.

Sirius shrugged. “My family were all terrible people, most of them supported Death Eaters and favoured murdering muggles. You can see how that didn’t help my reputation. But they’re all dead now. All Blacks got killed in that glorious war they wanted so badly, except for a few cousins who gave up the name upon marriage. I am the last Black. Hey, no, I’m not. I’m a Crowley now. You extinguished the line of Black, demon dad. Well done. Another point in your favour. They were all assholes.”

“You’re not an asshole,” said Harry.

Crowley lifted an eyebrow. “Only in Hell’s books now for being demon spawn, not for being an asshole. I mean, give it some time, who knows.”

“Dad! Don’t be mean!”

“I’m a demon, I’m allowed.”

+

Sirius had even dozed off in the end, which had sped up the warding. When he woke up, Crowley decided that they were ready to leave. They wouldn’t technically have had to stay here for the wards to take hold, but he had wanted to get a good look at his kids, especially the oldest one, to see if he would be stable enough to have him on the immaculate seats of his car. He still wasn’t really certain about that. When Sirius was dressed – in black, and a red shirt, that Crowley had let him choose before snapping his fingers – and Sirius had packed up his grey striped prison clothes – in a scent-proof bag – Crowley decided he'd rather not take a risk so soon.

“Sirius, we need to talk about the ride back to London. You’re not in a good state. When we drive to London, and you’re going to be on your own in my backseat for quite a while. I can’t keep a hold of you all the time. Bit distracting when I’m driving, and neither of us is going to enjoy it. You need to be calm for the ride. I can put you in a trance, or to sleep, or get you some weed.”

Sirius hesitated. “Actually… I… I can calm myself down, just…” He looked up at Crowley. “It’s not an official thing to do, and I’d like for it to stay that way. Especially now that they don’t want me to use magic anymore.”

Crowley lifted his eyebrows. “Well, if you want to do illicit things, you’ve certainly come to the right demon. Is it going to affect Harry?”

“No. I can show you, but… if they ever throw me back to Azkaban, and take this away from me, I’ll die. I can’t survive without it.”

“You’re never going to Azkaban again, son. You read the letter. You’re not going to be a part of the wizarding world any more. The Prince of Hell personally broke you out of it and handed you over to a demon, no wizard can do anything about it, and believe me, they tried. Why do you think I needed Hell’s highest ranking lawyers to get this shitty little adoption contract through?”

Sirius’ eyes became suspiciously glassy. “Are you sure about that?”

“No more Azkaban ever, son. Welcome to Hell.”

Sirius smiled faintly. “Okay then. I’ll show you. This is how I kept sane all those years. Harry, you like snakes, right? How about dogs, do you like them?”

Harry nodded excitedly.

“Well then.”

At first, Sirius didn’t do anything, not even take a deep breath. Then his body just flowed liquidly from human to big, black dog, seemingly effortless.

“Wheeh,” squealed Harry.

“Shh, don’t startle him,” said Crowley. “Give him time to get to know you.”

It was doubtful that this dog would have been startled by anything though. This dog was happy. He rolled on the bed, yapping, showing his tummy, then quickly bounced back up, made the playful puppy pose, then jumped off the bed, happy to see them, happy to tackle them, trying to dog-kiss Harry, who quickly took Crowley’s hand and tried to hide behind him.

“Sit!” commanded Crowley and snapped his fingers.

The dog sat on his hindlegs, a huge dog smile on his face, his tongue hanging out, and looked at them with the goofy face of a dog who just had found someone super exciting to play with.

“Yes, I can see how this is going to make the ride so much calmer and quieter,” said Crowley, and shuddered at the thought of big claws digging into his leather seats. There would be so many layers of ugly tartan blankets going between this dog and his car.

“Is that really Sirius? Can I pet him?” asked Harry, peeking out from behind him.

“It is, and you can ask him yourself. Back to human, Sirius,” he said and snapped his fingers again.

A second later, Sirius sat on the floor and laughed. “Not bad for a wandless wizard, hm?” he said, out of breath.

“Sirius, you’re such a cute dog!” squealed Harry. “How did you do that?”

“I’m a wizard, Harry. Even if the wizarding world has enough of me now. Still got my powers.”

“Well, I said I’d get the kid a dog,” said Crowley, with a grin he didn’t quite know where it came from. “I didn’t think it’d be a wizard with a pretty good imitation of a hellhound. Nice job, son, except the teeth are too short.”

“What are you talking about, my teeth are nice,” said Sirius.

“Exactly.”

Crowley decided to put Sirius’ good mood to good use, and grinned at Harry. “What do you think, kid, should I show him what I can do?”

“Oh yes!” said Harry. “Show him!”

“Very well. Go give your brother a hug while I transform, Harry. I don’t want to see him make rash movements.”

Harry kneeled behind Sirius and slung his arms around him. It was their first hug, and it lit up both their faces. “Got him!”

Crowley took his glasses off and smiled at Sirius.

“Okay, Sirius. There are different kinds of demons. I, for one, am a snake.”

He changed a bit slower than he usually did, for effect. He knew people didn’t like it, the flattening of the skull, the stretching of the body, black scales growing all over him.

It had the intended effect on Sirius. Sirius screamed, scrambled to get away, then remembered there was Harry and tried to shield the kid with a body that really didn’t want to be there, while Harry tried his best to hold onto him.

“Shit, Harry, what is this?”

“Don’t worry, Sirius, it’s just Anthony,” said Harry. “It’s just snake dad.” And in Parseltongue he said, reproachfully: “You whhere being exxtra sspooky, I could ssee thhat. Don’t be mean to Ssiriuss.”[plain English version here]

“Ssorry,” hissed Anthony back. “Couldn’t ressisst. Hhe’ss a wizzard whho hhatess ssnakess.”

“Yess, and it wass mean to sscare hhim like thhat. Chhange back, come on.”

Crowley coiled back into himself, just to be flashy about it, and then quickly turned back to human shaped demon.

“What the fuck was that?” gasped Sirius, still in Harry’s grip, and slowly recovering.

“I told you, I’m a snake.”

“Yes, I could see that. That’s not what I mean. What…? Did you talk to him, Harry? Are you a Parselmouth?”

“M-hm,” said Harry. “Cool, huh?”

To Crowley’s surprise, Sirius started laughing. He laughed so hard he couldn’t stop for minutes, and Harry had to let go of him, so he could collapse on the floor laughing.

Crowley just rolled his eyes, for once not invisible behind his sunglasses, and sat on the floor with his two weird kids, waiting for Sirius to calm down. Harry looked at him questioningly, but he could only shrug. He didn’t know what this was about either.

“What’s so funny, Sirius?” asked Harry, and Sirius needed two or three trials to get a sentence out.

“It’s funny because you’re a Parselmouth and he’s a snake,” he wheezed.

“So?”

Sirius tried to calm down enough to be coherent, even if he still interrupted himself with small giggles. “Parselmouths don’t just talk to snakes, they can also make snakes do them favours,” he said. “They have power over snakes. Tell me Harry, you weren’t by any chance looking for a way to leave Petunia the banshee behind and there happened to be a huge ass snake demon crossing your path?”

Harry looked from Sirius to Crowley and back. “I never asked him to do that for me. I just wanted a snake friend.”

Crowley nodded. “He didn’t ask. It was my idea. It was a pretty obvious idea though, seeing how he was kept in that house. I thought a cute little snakewhisperer can do better than that, so I went out to steal him, officially, with all the paperwork involved.”

“Uh-huh,” said Sirius. “Just an idea that crossed your mind that happened to be what Harry wanted in the first place? Demon dad, you’ve been played, and I feel a lot better about you and Harry knowing the playing field is a bit more level. His power to make snakes like him is even stronger than your demonic nature, admit it, come on.”

Crowley smiled. “I’ll take it,” he said with a shrug. “It’s as good a reason as any. Why not?”

“You don’t mind?” asked Harry. “I don’t think it’s true, but… do you really not mind?”

“No, Harry,” said Crowley. None of these two had any idea what a demon was, or what a demon was capable of. All Sirius knew was magic, and Harry didn’t even know that. If they liked that explanation, it would make things easier. “Sirius is right, this is a good thing. I’m a demon, it would look a bit weird if I suddenly went around cooing over cute kids. But if they’re in possession of mysterious powers and I find myself a bit intrigued by that, and in return it smoothes out some of the demonic edges I have, this works for both of us.”

Harry still wasn’t really happy with that. “I don’t want you to like me just because I somehow make you,” he said, squirming a bit.

Crowley grinned a wide grin. “Harry, that’s what all kids do to adults. That’s how it works. All kids have that power.”

Harry was still a bit sceptical. “It didn’t work on my aunt and uncle” he said.

Crowley shrugged. “I have it on good authority that your aunt is a banshee,” he said. “And your uncle? Probably some overgrown howler monkey.”

That made Harry smile.

Crowley smiled back. “What do you think, Sirius, as a non-reptile? Is Harry cute? Does he have the power to make you like him?”

“He’s the cutest kid I’ve seen in my whole life,” said Sirius, his voice almost breaking. “He has superpowers of liking.”

Harry gave him another hug.

+

plain English here

**Parsel-to-English-tongue:**

“You where being extra spooky, I could see that. Don’t be mean to Sirius.”

“Sorry,” hissed Anthony back. “Couldn’t resist. He’s a wizard who hates snakes.”

“Yes, and it was mean to scare him like that. Change back, come on.”

[return to text]


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slow chapter again, but I promise we get some more characters and some action soon!  
> Edit: This is the chapter where I wonder if I should up the rating for a single mention of being embarassed about an erection. Don't really want to, I think there are ways to talk about these things with people of all ages, and that it's important that we do that. I have a lot to say about that actually, but maybe for now I'll just say it'll be there so no one runs into it without a warning.  
> Let me know what you think!

+

It didn’t take them long to get to London. City traffic slowed even Crowley down, to a degree, but they were home rather quickly. Harry and Sirius were both worthy spawn of a proud speed demon, it turned out. Sirius kept babbling about riding on brooms and motorbikes, and both adored the Bentley. The Bentley and the Crowley were pleased.

Crowley showed them around in his flat. He kept it short, he didn’t want to invite any unnecessary comments. It was his flat. He liked it. He liked it exactly this way. If it wasn’t childfriendly, or wizardfriendly, too bad. He had thought of a few things he would need to change to accommodate three people, but the moment he stepped into his place, his clean, warm and calm place, he wanted to change as little as possible.

“Wardrobe,” he said when they entered. “That door here goes to the office which you will not enter under any circumtances. I do demon business in there and I don’t want any of you involved. Around the corner here, kitchen. There’s food in the fridge, get yourself whatever, whenever, but don’t leave a mess. Goes for the whole flat. I like it clean. I clean with a flamethrower, so don’t keep flammable shit around.”

The boys didn’t comment on it, which was probably all the better. Still, he couldn’t believe what Sirius let him get away with.

“There’s frozen mice in the little extra freezer here, if any of you want,” added Crowley, who started warming to the whole tour. “Sirius? Midnight doggie snacks?”

“I think I’ll be able to reign myself in,” said Sirius, who didn’t find it funny, but then, on the other hand, the demon probably wasn’t making a joke. Sirius was aware that the minifreezer could be opened without hands, by, say, a snout, as could all of the doors. He registered such things. An animagus or other magical animal lived here already, and another one would probably not be a problem. That was… weird. Never in his life had he thought about how to have a place that was built for both his shapes, but now that he saw one, it looked so obvious. At the same time, it felt like he had landed on a different planet.

Crowley was still on it.

“I’ll get some dogfood, what do you like? Dry or humid?”

“I… dry.” 

Crowley snapped his fingers, and food and water bowls appeared in a corner of the kitchen, both full. 

“It’s puppy food, I think you can do with the extra nutrients.”

Sirius didn’t feel like eating at all, but somehow, those shining brand new bowls looked inviting, even for a human.

Crowley grinned. “What name do I put on them? What is your dog name anyway?”

Sirius gasped, pouted, and blushed deeply. “It’s still Sirius, but…” he threw a side glance to Harry who looked up to him like he was the best news he’d ever heard. For the kid, right? Yes, for the kid. 

“… in public, Snuffles is also fine.”

Of course Crowley cackled at that, snapped his fingers, and “Snuffles” appeared in big, stylish letters that matched the décor of the flat. The S was a fucking snake, which Sirius would have liked to pout at, but Harry was already cooing over it.

Sirius didn’t comment on it. He did say “thank you” though.

“Through the kitchen, lounge. Couch, TV, phone. Wait before you use the phone until I have separated it from my business line. If there’s ever, EVER, a demonic voice coming from anywhere, TV, the phone, the walls, do not answer. Demon business goes exclusively to me.  
Here, books. You can read the books, but put them back in place again. Same with the music. Use with care, put it back exactly where you got it from, believe me, I’ll notice.”

“Can we get a game console?” asked Harry. 

“So you can massacre zombies on my tv?” said Crowley with a dry grin.

Harry pouted. “Just some Mario Cart.”

“Hm, I think we can do that. Sirius, are you a zombie man or a Mario man?”

“I have no idea what any of these things are,” said Sirius. 

This whole flat creeped him out. The grey concrete walls swallowed the light and his energy. 

“I dare say you’re going to find out. This is the hallway, it’s for the plants. Don’t touch the plants. Some are poisonous, and I’m not going to tell you which ones. Don’t touch the sculptures. Another office door over there, do not touch either. Over here, bed room, bathroom. Those are for you. Do touch. Lick the walls. Whatever you want.”

The bedroom was spacy, with a whole wall of windows. A huge bed stood in the middle of it, covered in dozens of cushions, and several smaller cabinets lined the wall, none of them matching the other in style. Compared to the other rooms that looked like a museum for interior design, this room was lived in.

Crowley snapped his fingers, and another, smaller bed appeared, with Mario Cart bedcover. Harry jumped on it with a cheer.

“Are we taking your bedroom away?” asked Sirius.

Crowley shrugged. “I don’t need sleep,” he said. “It’s just for staying in touch with the vices, mainly Sloth. Can’t be a demon who’s famous for his temptations and not have a bedroom that’s sinfully comfortable.”

Sirius was very tempted indeed to fall on the bed, bury his nose in the cushions and fall asleep with the smell of demon hair in his nose, but all he did was nod. Because if there was one thing he really really didn’t need right now it was finding out if the bed smelled good, and if it smelled like demon dad had had sex in it at some point. 

Sirius spotted another set of water and food bowls in the corner, and here was a big bed, and Harry, and a sexy nightmare snake demon, and they cared about him. He started crying, and this time, Harry hugged him without the demon prompting it.

+

Crowley tilted his head. “Maybe this isn’t the room for you then,” he said and snapped his fingers. In a corner of the room, a winding staircase lead to a trapdoor now. “Let’s see what we can do with the roof,” said Crowley. “I always wanted a greenhouse. There might be room for a tool shed and a dog house, too.”

There was. They emerged from the bedroom to a terrace with a greenhouse on one side, and something that Crowley called ‘the tool shed’ on the other side, but what turned out to be quite a habitable hut, if you were, say, a solitary creature with low requirements of comfort.

They spent the rest of the evening on the roof. Sirius still couldn’t quite believe it. Being dragged into Petunia’s kitchen had been surreal, especially when it was crowded with demons, Harry and Dumbledore. The unpersonal hotel room afterwards had been very un-prisonlike, but still, he understood it was a liminal space and he didn’t have to have any kind of opinion about it, considering he would be leaving it soon and never return.

This, though.

London.

And this flat that he was going to stay in for a while. This uncomfortable, grey place that he feared and loved equally already. A demon lived here, who had some blood based power over him and who he didn’t trust very far, because he’d seen his share of demonic things in the world. He knew that when someone bragged about being evil, it was better to take their word for it. 

But on the other hand, this guy had put down dog bowls everywhere, gave them the nicest room he had, made him this place on the roof that he had instantly known would be his favourite place to stay, and had put a Yoshi blanket onto a deck chair on the terrace. Sirius had no idea what a Yoshi was, but the amount of squealing and smiling Harry had done over it was astonishing. 

Harry had taken the blanket everywhere, and wrapped himself in it as the evening cooled down.  
Sirius was used to much cooler temperatures, and enjoyed the wind in his hair and clothes too much to bundle up.

He still had to look over to his godson and now brother every few minutes to remind himself that it all was real.

“You alright, Harry?” he asked, when the demon had left to rummage in the greenhouse and have an important phone call with some demon newspaper Harry said he was working for.

Harry beamed at him. “I have a snake dad and a dog brother. I’m more than alright.”

He looked so much like James, but James had never looked like a child to him. They were the same age, and James had always looked older. He’d often thought of Harry, because it was not a happy thought to have left him behind, and so the Dementors left him to it. After years of being raw from grief over James and Lily and guilt over Harry, it would take a while to get used to this sight, get used to feel good without being punished for it. But Harry loved it when he smiled, that made it easier.

“I mean right now. It’s been a long day. And it’s a new place.”

Harry nodded. “This is the craziest day in my life. It feels like it’s been a whole week. But not in a bad way.”

“Aren’t you tired then?”

“Yes, but… I don’t want to sleep yet.”

“Me neither.”

Sirius smiled as he watched the boy almost falling over from sleepiness, but with his eyes still shining from excitement.

“Want cuddles?”

“Yes!”

Harry quickly scooped over and snuggled by Sirius’ side where Sirius put an arm around him.

“That one over there,” said Sirius and pointed at a brightly lit tower. “That one’s new. And that one. Lots of changes since I’ve been gone.”

“You’ve been here before?” asked Harry. “Ah, you said. You have a house here.”

“I grew up here. I’m a Londoner. I love the city. I think after years in the middle of nothing, I’ll have to take it slow with the huge crowds, and the noise. But it’s all out there, waiting for me. It’s a great city. You can find everything in London, if you know where to look. I think you’ll like it, too.”

“We’re right in the middle of everything,” said Harry, who hadn’t been in the middle of nothing, like Sirius, but in the middle of Not A Lot, and hadn’t liked it.

“Yeah,” sighed Sirius. “We are. It took a demon who wasn’t wanted in Heaven anymore to take the guy who wasn’t wanted anywhere, and the boy who wasn’t wanted where he was, to get us all here. This should be wrong, but somehow, it’s right. When you’re in Azkaban for a while, you start expecting the worst all the time. And a demon should definitely count for the worst. You know what, I wouldn’t trust an angel right now. But a demon? What the Hell, why not?”

But Harry had fallen asleep and didn’t hear him any more.

+

When Crowley had finished his phone call and pottering around in the greenhouse, he came and carried Harry downstairs to bed. Sirius wanted to stay on the roof over night. 

Soon, the demon was back, sitting in a deck chair with writing utensils and some wine (he had offered some to Sirius, but Sirius had declined), and writing several pages of what he called ‘the blessed memo’. He did it with no other light than what the city light around them, reflected by the clouds, provided. Sirius was used to dark nights and could see well in this light, but he hadn’t expected the demon to have night sight. Were snakes even supposed to be out at night?

He couldn’t stop thinking about Harry. Was he okay? Was he sleeping peacefully, or crying into his pillow? Was someone going to come and take him away? Should he watch Harry be raised by a demon, or should he do something about it? Why had no one but a demon taken offense at the way Petunia raised the kid? What was the wizarding world doing? Was there some plot against Harry going on? Who was the real danger to the boy?

Somehow, even though the demon didn’t pay him much attention, it aggravated him that he was there.

“Are you keeping an eye on me?”

“Guess I am. Don’t see anyone else doing it.”

“All night?”

“I don’t need sleep, and I have work. This is probably going to be the first memo anyone is actually going to pay attention to, I better not screw this one up, and I better make Lord Beelzebub look real good in it, too. So, if you don’t need me, I’ll be busy.”

“What do you think I’d do? Run away? Jump off the roof?”

“That, or something equally rash and unadvisable. First night out of Purgatory? Never a good time.”

Sirius was pacing again, at a healthy distance from the demon. He was angry because the demon was right. He could feel the rush of the day ebbing out of him, leaving him to crumble.

“And what’s it to you? Are you going to watch it for some demonic entertainment?”

The demon chuckles. “Might as well.”

“Oh, I know. You’re not contractually obliged to care about me. I heard you.”

The demon smirked. “Harry cares about you, so you’re lucky.”

“I know I’m lucky,” snarled Sirius. “What I don’t know is how long it’ll last.”

“You signed a contract with the Prince of Hell. It’ll last forever.”

“And did it say that I am to leave Azkaban? I don’t think so. That was your doing. The moment you change your mind about me, what then?”

Instead of an answer, Crowley just snapped his fingers. The wards on Sirius’ body lit up for a short moment, but long enough to make Sirius crash to the floor, yelling out in pain. 

Crowley finished his writing, signed it, sent it away with a finger snip, and without haste sauntered over and loomed over Sirius. 

“That answer your question?” he asked when Sirius lied there, panting. “Those are going to be there forever, too. Well, for as long as you live.”

Sirius still gasped for air. The pain slowly ebbed off, but those wards still stung. “You’re enjoying this, huh?” he rasped.

Crowley kneeled next to him. 

“Not going to lie, I kind of do,” he said with a faint smile. “Sorry. Can’t help my nature. It’s built in.”

“Bet you’ve done your fair share of tortures,” hissed Sirius.

Crowley only made a noncommittant noise at that.

“And now you’ve got someone you can make suffer whenever you want, ready at hand!”

“You don’t look like you need help in that matter,” said Crowley.

“Yeah fuck you too!”

Sirius tried to get up, but Crowley put a hand on his shoulder – it didn’t take more than that – and held him down. 

“Where do you think you’re going?”

For a moment, Sirius was reminded of how the demon had held him against the wall of the hotel bathroom until he had calmed down far enough to be talked into the warding. Sirius hadn’t seen much fighting in Azkaban. He had seen a lot of holding down though – on others and himself, because no one needed to hear hours of screaming from another prisoner, so if someone broke down, you held him. Especially when you were the one who could easily enter their cell. Because when you were about to crack down, that was when the Dementors would start swarming you. And no. No. You calmed down before that happened. Yourself. Others. 

So now, when a hand held him down, or an arm pressed him against the bathroom wall, he calmed down. But he didn’t have to like it. He sure hadn’t liked it at the hotel, naked, shaking, pinned to the wall by a hot guy, with an erection and nowhere to hide it, and getting only “It’s appreciated but no” as a reaction to that.

“Do you think I’ll sleep on the floor?” he growled.

“You certainly haven’t been sleeping anywhere else. Give it a try.”

The trap door opened, and small feet came slowly closer. “Sirius? Snake dad?”

Sirius blinked at Harry, who was wrapped into his new colorful blanket. “What’s wrong, Harry? Can’t sleep?”

Harry looked like he actually had been asleep, but he shook his head.

Crowley felt Sirius’ body lose most of its tension under his hand. “Oh, look who’s suddenly stopped being a total bitch.”

Sirius just smiled at Harry. “Do you want to...”

Crowley had drawn his conclusions. “You could totally...”

Harry didn’t want to go back to an empty room. “Can I maybe...”

“… sleep here?”

They all chuckled. 

“Pretty sure I’ll violate the contract if I don’t provide a bed for you,” said Crowley. “But no one says you have to sleep in it if you don’t want to. Humans like adventures, or so I heard. Sleeping on the roof in summer, that’s like an adventure, right?”

Harry nodded.  
Crowley patted the floor besides him, and Harry quickly sat there. Sirius would have liked to sit, too, but the demon didn’t take his hand off his shoulder.

“Hm, let’s see,” said Crowley, “What is a good outdoor sleeping thing? Not too comfortable, because you two are used to simplicity. Not too uncomfortable, because I’m not Aunt Petunia. What’s it going to be? Camping mattress? No, don’t like the smell. Bear or sheep skin? I do like those, but not in June. Oh, I know. Hay stack! Hay stacks are great for sleeping and smell nicely.”

He snapped his fingers, and instantly, they were on top of a pile of hay, on soft blankets.  
Harry sank down with a sigh, sprawling out, and turned his head to smile at Sirius.

“Comfy, little ssnake sspawn?” asked Crowley.

“Yess.”

+

Crowley awoke in the early light of a June morning, a sleeping child cuddled against his chest, and a heap of black fur rolled up against his legs. He wasn’t so sure about other people coiling up against him. He probably should think of it as a snake’s nest. Snakes did that, right? He really wasn’t sure if he was that kind of snake. If it had been a certain angel curling up against him, sure. But this?

He rather liked holding Harry, he always had, despite the smell. The dog was old enough and should be used to sleep alone in a cell. But from the way his fur smelled, he’d cuddled up against other inmates as a dog. Well. That explained a few things. 

Crowley wasn’t a dog person. Or a cat person. Or a grouchy wizard housemate person. What he liked about his own place was how quiet it was. Usually. Hell, on the other hand. Hell was noisy, hell was where you constantly touched other demons. Hell was crowded, and demons were needy. Sure, sometimes he got needy, too, but not all the time, he was a snake, he liked personal space.

And now he had saddled himself with all these mammals. Of course, they were short-lived like mayflies. And the world might end next year anyway. He wouldn’t have to endure this, this, this cuddling forever. But right now, at least they were warm. Yes. That’s what mammals were. Nicely tempered water bottles for suffering reptiles. That was the right way to calm down about all this breathing and touching in his vicinity.

He fell back asleep for another hour. When he woke up, he made coffee and brough it up on the roof, and he thought that he might get used to this. It probably wouldn’t become their permanent sleeping arrangement. He was very wrong on that account, but at least for now, he had coffee and the glorious feeling of looking at these kids he had stolen for himself and knowing somewhere out there, a lot of people were very upset about it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found out that "Harry the rabbit" is a tag on AO3 (read "It's a kind of magic" by mycitruspocket! Read it!) and I lost my mind. Why don't all stories have Harry the rabbit? Why don't mine? Well, now they do! Here he is! At least in a small cameo role!  
> Oh yes, and Aziraphale is there. Finally!

+

The next day they went and bought clothes for Harry in actual shops, painting materials and some board games, and a gaming console. Sirius wasn’t happy to leave Harry out of his eye, but was still reeling from their morning stroll to the bakery and decided that he would skip further shopping for now.

“And we need to get you some books,” said Crowley, and then they didn’t.

He said it again the next day, and they still didn’t, and Harry started realizing that snake dad fidgeted when he said it. What was so special about getting books?

The third day, he found out.

They walked to an old book store in Soho, and when they entered, snake dad took his hand.  
Harry remembered how he wasn’t supposed to let go of snake dad’s hand when adults got mad, so he certainly was going to hold onto it firmly. He wondered what kind of person could make snake dad so nervous.

“All right,” said Crowley, took a deep breath, and pushed open the door. It hadn‘t been open, there was a sign that clearly said closed, but Harry just held snake dad’s hand and followed him closely.

„Aziraphale!“ boomed Crowley as they entered the bookshop. 

„Crowley, finally! Where have you been?“ sounded a rather anxious voice, and a very worried bookseller hurried out of his backroom and then stopped when he saw the kid. 

Harry loved the shop at first sight, the pillars, the round skylight, the abundance of shelves and the overall comfortable look of it. He even liked the smell, mostly on principle because smells had not been permitted in Aunt Petunia’s house. 

The bookshop didn’t smell very good, but that was okay because it was very old. The bookseller wasn’t old himself, even though he had white hair and wore very old-fashioned clothes. He looked about as old as snake dad. Snake dad fidgeted again. But the bookseller wasn’t angry. Just really worried, and then relieved to see them, and then baffled.

„Aziraphale, this is Harry.”

A very nice, warm smile appeared on the bookseller’s face. “Hello Harry.”

“Harry, this is Mr. Fell, my friend. He has a lot of books.”

“Hello, Mr. Fell,” said Harry, and Mr. Fell’s smile became even warmer, and wider.

“How about we sit down and have a nice cup of cocoa?” asked Mr. Fell, and Harry thought that this guy didn’t seem so bad.

“Not for me, thanks,” growled Crowley. “Something else, and don’t put one of your silly umbrellas in.”

Mr. Fell led them to a side room that cleary was his office, with a desk and a telephone, but it also contained a nice sofa, and some comfortable chairs. Crowley made a beeline for the sofa, and Harry, still not letting go of his hand, sat next to him on it.

Mr. Fell brought two cups of cocoa and a drink for Crowley, with two colorful paper umbrellas that Crowley instantly removed with utter disdain. Well, he had asked not to get ONE, thought Harry and grinned. He liked Mr. Fell even better now.

Snake dad was fidgeting again, and Harry expected Mr. Fell to ask some inconvenient questions, but Mr. Fell just sat there and beamed at them, and all he finally asked Harry was: “Now who’s that nice young man sitting on my couch?”

And Harry, who never really knew what to do with overly friendly people, didn’t like attention, and wished the fawning over him would just end, couldn’t stop himself.

“That’s my dad,” said Harry, and snake dad choked on his drink.

Mr. Fell didn’t get mad, but he also didn’t stop beaming at them. “Really, your dad?”

Harry nodded. 

Mr. Fell smiled at Crowley. 

“You wanted one of your own?”

“Nah… wah… of course not. I’m not some sentimental idiot. Look, Aziraphale, I didn’t plan this. I didn’t go around looking for a kid to steal. Things just… happened.”

Mr. Fell lifted an eyebrow.

“So you stole one because ‘things happened’?”

Crowley gesticulated with his half empty glass. “I didn’t steal him, I mean, yes, I’ve been thinking about it, but seriously, do you take me for an amateur? All correctly done with paperwork and everything. It’s official.”

“So this isn’t another nanny job?”

Harry had not expected that. Nanny job? Snake dad? Was that about the other kid that snake dad had said he had raised? Who hired a guy like snake dad as a nanny? Harry knew that snake dad was great as a dad and would be amazing as a nanny, but even he had to admit he didn’t look the part. Expensive car, expensive watch, liked alcohol, moved like a snake. Well, someone had seen beyond that and Harry admired that, but right now, he had more interesting things to do, like watching snake dad bicker with his friend. 

“What? Why would I do that?” said Crowley. “No, I’m serious, Aziraphale, this one’s mine. I adopted another one, too, but I thought I‘d show you the cute one first.“

Gradually, Mr. Fell’s smile was replaced by a more worried look.

“Are you getting yourself in trouble, Crowley? What’s the bigger picture?”

“Yeah, about that… there isn’t really a plan, as such. I mean, some people had one, for the kid, I guess, which piqued my curiosity in the first place, so I took him out of that to see what was going to happen, and yeah, a lot of things happened. But mostly… it’s just a kid.”

“Where does he live?”

“At my place, of course. I added space on the roof for the older one. I have a greenhouse there now, too, and a terrace to have drinks on. You need to come see it.”

“Duely noted. But, Crowley, have you thought this through? Your line of work isn’t really… safe for a child.”

Crowley grinned. “I was hoping you’d say that. Could you really stand by and watch me, a terrible person, influence a small innocent child with all my irresistable charisma?”

Mr. Fell managed a small eye roll that did with one millimeter what others needed a whole half-rotation for. 

„I certainly can‘t leave an innocent child under your sole influence,“ he said, „But Crowley...“

„Yes?“ 

„We can‘t keep on doing this forever.“

Crowley gestured with his free hand. „You know there‘s a huge towering chance we might not. But whenever something good comes up, why not seize it? Isn‘t this was it‘s all about? I thought we were not going to give in to apathy and resignation, right, angel?“

Aziraphale sighed. „Of course we‘re not.”

“Right. So. The kid could do with some books.”

“You’ve come to me for books?”

“Well, it does say book seller at the door. Don’t worry, I’m not asking you to sell anything. I’d never. Just let him read a bit. Of course, if he, let’s say, comes here on his own and likes it and starts hanging out with you, there’s not really a lot I could do about it. I can’t keep him under lock and key. Kid needs to go out and do… stuff. That’s what kids do.”

“I guess.”

“And I can write a memo to Head Office about how I duped you into this. How you never suspected a thing.”

“How very wily of you.”

“Aw, come on, Aziraphale, you could do the same. Tell your Head Office how you tricked me.”

“I shall do no such thing.”

Harry wasn’t sure what to make of it, but it dawned on him that it hadn’t been the nice Mr. Fell that had made snake dad so nervous. There were Head Offices. There were memos. There were secrets. Snake dad had to be cautious, and Harry understood he would have to be, too.

Crowley snorted. “Oh, you’ll just supply him with books and lure him into your bookshop to thwart my wiles, but you’re not going to take credit for it? Even if the books are really good?”

“It’s a bookshop. All my books are really good. I can’t take credit for providing them, that’s not the point of it.”

“Then don’t. I’ll just take credit for making you look really daft then.”

“If you must.”

Mr. Fell was done with this topic and gave Harry another one of his sweet smiles. “It looks like I’m your bookkeeper now, Harry. You’re always welcome to come in for a cocoa and some reading. Never mind the closed sign, that’s for customers. You’re not a customer. There’s a secret knock I’ll show you that’ll make me open the door for you. What kinds of books do you like?”

Harry had spent his whole life hiding his home life from the outer world and had easily understood that having a demon as a dad would require some stealth, too. He quite liked the idea of having a secret bookshop to come to. “Do you have books about snakes?”

He didn’t miss the quick side glance that Mr. Fell gave snake dad.

“Books about snakes? As a matter of fact, I do. I think I have quite a few very good books about reptiles, with very nicely done illustrations.”

He quickly got up and started taking books out of a shelf nearby.

“Wait,” said Crowley. “You have books about snakes? As in, plural? Really? Right here, right now?”

“Of course I do,” said Aziraphale. “As I said, the illustrations are of quite some artistic merit.”

Crowley chuckled. “Didn’t know you were reading up on snakes that much.”

Aziraphale shot him a cool glance. “I remember at times finding some poor hibernating snakes out there in the most perilious circumstances, and taking them in. Of course I’d read up on how to keep them alive.”

“Snakes don’t hibernate. Hibernation is for mammals.”

Mr. Fell ignored Crowley and kept piling up more books in his arms.

“This should do for the beginning,” he said. “I’ll make you your own bookshelf, Harry. Anything else?”

“He’s going to need some basic wizarding books,” said Crowley.

Mr. Fell turned around and gave Harry a thorough look. “Are you a wizard, Harry?”

“I don’t know, Mr. Fell,” said Harry. “I’ve never done any magic. I didn’t even know wizards exist until last weekend. But everyone suddenly says I am one, and I’m going to learn how to do magic next year at wizarding school.”

“Oh, how nice,” said Mr. Fell. “Which one?”

“Hogwarts,” said Crowley, with even more disdain that he’d had for paper umbrellas.

“Really? You’re sending him to Hogwarts?”

“I kinda have to. Untrained wizards are a mess. But that’s just one more reason he needs to get some decent education now.”

“I guess that’s true,” said Mr. Fell and put the books on a coffee table. “Oh dear, I’m going to have to bother Flourish and Blott’s again, they’ve been the most unhelpful about their prophecy books in the past, and I’ll admit I haven’t forgiven them for snatching up some older works of… oh nevermind. Yes, I’ll contact them. They’ve had their eyes on some of my books for a while. I think they’ll respond nicely to a well-worded letter.”

He looked at them. “Won’t the other child need books, too?”

„Actually yes, he does, but I‘m not contractually obliged to care about the other one. Harry just threw him into the deal last minute.“

Aziraphale sighed. „And you couldn‘t resist another child.“

Crowley grinned. „Nope. The wizarding world will go absolutely nuts over these two being taken out of their influence. Wait til you see him. Sirius Petunia Crowley, he‘s going to make me proud, I know it.“

„You didn‘t call the boy Petunia, Crowley! That‘s cruel.“

„He had it coming. Come on, angel, don‘t look at me like that. It‘s just an idea for now. We’re still throwing around names. I‘m not going to name him a biblical name though, that‘s for certain.“

They had nicknames! Harry had to admit that Mr. Fell was nice enough to be called angel, even though angels probably didn’t serve drinks in their bookshops, if they even had bookshops at all. Mr. Fell didn’t have wings, either. 

„So Harry is a Crowley, too?“

„Definitely. Very much so. Harry James Crowley.“

Aziraphale’s gaze softened.

„Another Crowley. That is a biblical name, James, I mean. And you named yourself Anthony, after a saint. Really, Crowley.”

„The name came with the kid, and he wanted to keep it. Right, Harry?“

„Yes, dad.”

The last remaining will to bicker left Aziraphale.

“You’re a dad, Crowley.”

“Yes.”

“That’s so...”

Crowley tilted his head.

“If you say nice, I’m leaving.”

Aziraphale looked at him fondly, until Crowley turned his head away.

“It’s unexpected, and frankly a bit unwise, but yes, it is very nice, too.”

Crowley let go of Harry’s hand and got off the sofa.

“Ok, that does it. I’ve things to do. Bad things. Spread some evil to get the taste of that word out of my head. I’m going to come and get Harry in about an hour or so.”

He didn’t wait for a reply and went quickly for the door.

“Crowley?” called Aziraphale after him.

Crowley stopped in his tracks. He remained still for a few seconds before turning around. When he did, his shoulders slumped from his defiant stance, and his voice was soft.

“Yes, angel, what is it?”

Aziraphale put on the most compelling puppy dog eyes that Harry had ever seen. 

“I was just thinking… there’s this bakery down the street…”

“Of course, angel, what can I bring you?”

“Oh just something nice for tea. And I ran out of sprinkles for the cocoa.”

“I’m not going to be seen buying sprinkles.”

Aziraphale didn’t even comment that, just kept looking at Crowley with the most hopeful expression, until Crowley groaned “Yes, fine!” and left.

+

“So, what other kinds of books would you like to read, Harry?”

Harry was a bit surprised to be left alone with a stranger all of sudden, but it was very clear that snake dad and Mr. Fell were friends. Still, there were a lot of things Harry knew he couldn’t tell him about. Demons, für example. He couldn’t tell Mr. Fell that snake dad was a demon. But maybe asking for a book wasn’t so bad. He didn’t have to be super direct about the demon thing.

“I’d like to read books about angels,” he said. “And demons.”

Mr. Fell was very surprised. “You’re interested in celestial beings?”

Harry nodded. “My dad talks about them, and I feel stupid not knowing anything about them. I have a card game about demons, so I know some of them, but I’d like to know more. Where they came from, what they can do. That kind of thing.”

It took Mr. Fell a second to process that, but then he smiled. “A card game? Would that be the old Demon Top Trumps?”

That confirmed Mr. Fell as a trustworthy friend for Harry. No other adult he’d ever known outside his new family would have enjoyed a game like that. 

“Yes!” said Harry. “My dad says he made it.”

“Well, he did the original designs, but I’m sure it won’t surprise you that he needed a bit of help with the editing. I’m sorry to say that I had to remove some of the categories he suggested,” said Mr. Fell proudly. “So I take it you like the game?”

“I do,” said Harry, and then grinned. “Sirius and me did some editing too. We have a fart category now!”

Mr. Fell chuckled. “I’m sure that added a lot of entertainment,” he said. “I’d quite like to see it.”

“I haven’t got it here, but I can bring it next time.”

“I’m looking forward to it. Any other books you’d like?”

“Is there a book about how to turn into an animal, as a wizard?”

“I’ll look for one, but you might need a few years of practise with your magic before you can learn that.”

“Mr. Fell, are you a wizard?”

“Oh no, I’m very much a muggle, Harry,” said Mr. Fell with a conspiratory smile. “Never held a wand in my life, wouldn’t even know what to do with it. But I like books, and that includes books about magic. There’s even a magical discpline that I have dedicated two sections of my bookshop to. Can you guess what it is?”

Harry tried to guess, but he hadn’t really taken in too much of this shop that was full of details. He thought of snake dad. Maybe Mr. Fell knew he could turn into a snake?

“Magical creatures?” he guessed.

“No,” said Mr. Fell. “Lamentably few books about those. It’s prophecies. I collect books about them.”

“Can you tell the future, too?”

“Oh, absolutely not. That would be quite dreadful, don’t you think? Like most people, I have to rely on making educated guesses. It’s probably for the better.”

His face suddenly lit up. “And of course I have a few books about how to be a magician. I have worked on some nifty sleight of hand tricks over the years. You, young man, look like someone who doesn’t wash behind his ears. Do I see metal gleaming?”

He reached behind Harry’s ear, and his hand came back with a shining coin of a currency Harry didn’t know. His smile was so sly and mischievous, and the trick was so lame. Harry thought of Sirius who could do wandless magic like turning into a dog, and of snake dad who could do everything he wanted. And who let himself be bossed around by this book loving muggle who was so proud of being a magician with a trick that only impressed five year olds.

Harry couldn’t help it, that made Mr. Fell his new favourite person, and also it made him laugh. He laughed and laughed.

“That was amazing,” he wheezed, and Mr. Fell gleamed with pride. “I want to learn how to do that! “Can you show me how to do it, please, Mr. Fell?”

He was pretty sure Sirius was going to lose his mind when he would start pulling coins from behind his ears, and he couldn’t wait trying it out.

“Oh, a magician shouldn’t give away his tricks, but I’ll make an exception for you,” said Mr. Fell.  
“You could be my student. Of literature, and magic. You know what that means?”

Harry shook his head.

“It means you need to meet my assistent. Can’t be a real magician without an assistent. Wait here!”

And that was why Crowley, coming back with cake and sprinkles he had personally miracled to spell out ‘wtf’ when used, found a happy Harry and an even happier Aziraphale being in the middle of a lesson on how to do stunning magical tricks with coins from the Late Byzantium, while Harry was holding a fluffy white rabbit on his lap, and wearing a top hat that was too big for him.

“What have I done? What have I done?”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to everyone who reads, leaves kudos, or comments! I still can't believe how much reaction the story gets, and it makes me very happy!
> 
> This is still a chapter that only sets up new characters without much story, but I couldn't not have Uncle Hastur in the story!
> 
> Edit: Of course I'm aware that there are still many Celtic places in the world! What I meant was "when Brittania was still all Celtic". (Apologies to the Picts.)

+

They walked home at a leisurely pace, spending some time at St. James Park. Crowley had sent Harry to get some ice cream and sat on a bench in the sun, keeping an eye on Harry, when someone suddenly grabbed him.

“So, where’s the little cutie?”

“Harry, run! Duke Hastur, leave him alone!” yelled Crowley. “He’s none of your business!”

Hastur shoved him roughly and with unnecessary enthusiasm into Ligur’s waiting hands. “What the Heaven! Come one, aren’t we family? Kiddie! Come say hello to Uncle Hastur or I’ll set your dad on fire!”

Ligur had Crowley in his iron grip before Crowley had found his footing. “Indulge him a bit, you know he’s not going to let go of it. Your own fault for keeping innocent little children around. What did you expect was going to happen?”

Harry had jumped into a hiding place behind a tree at the first hissed warning of snake dad. He knew who that was. Hastur and Ligur had been powerful Demon Top Trumps cards, Harry remembered, high on carnage value, and the thought they could actually look for him was shocking. The part about fire didn’t sound good though, so Harry slowly peeked from behind his tree, and almost shrieked when Hastur suddenly stood before him, or rather, towered over him.

Hastur’s caricature on the card game had been a bit scary. Unfortunately, the real life optics of Hastur were no better. Eyes too big, too black, wild white hair that looked as if it tried to escape in all directions, green bumps all over his face, clothes torn, and the whole guy ambling around as if he had forgotten how half of his body parts worked. The smell was bad, but not as bad as Sirius’ had been. Just… off, and way too strong.

Harry felt like frozen in place. He quickly looked at snake dad, who got dragged towards them by Ligur and hissed at him in Parseltongue to stay calm, and that it would soon be over. 

Hastur grinned when he saw Harry. “There you are. Don’t worry, Uncle Hastur is not going to hurt a hair on your head. The rest of the head, maybe.” He chuckled. 

“Duke Hastur!” hissed Crowley warningly.

Hastur reached out for him, but his hand stopped a few inches before Harry.

“Oh, come on, Crowley, you didn’t put an anti-theft sigil on him. I’m not going to steal him.”

“You leave him alone!” hissed Crowley, still in Ligur’s grip and too far away to interfer. “If you hurt him, you break a contract that Lord Belzebub has signed.”

Hastur bent down to the boy. “About that, what’s so special about you that Lord Beelzebub negotiated a contract for you? What are you? A half-demon?”

“I’m not a half-demon,” said Harry, his voice firm. _Don’t mumble! Don’t whinge around! Don’t make a fuss!_ “I’m human.”

“I’ve never met a human who smelled so bad,” grinned Hastur. “Did something crawl into your head and die inside you?”

Harry thought that Uncle Hastur shouldn’t talk about other people smelling, but of course he couldn’t say that. He wanted to get rid of this demon as fast as possible, and especially get him out of his face, so he did what he thought would be the fastest, and lifted his hair to show the scar on his forehead.

Hastur had a cacklefit that sounded like it would almost kill him. “Ahahahahaha, that’s the worst botched curse job I’ve ever seen. And it’s still dying! Ahahahahaha, that makes my day! Crowley, that’s a stinking monstrosity you’ve adopted, I can see why you keep him!”

Again, he reached for Harry, and this time, the hand went through the protective shield. Harry hadn’t thought it would and couldn’t evade in time. He flinched, but all that Hastur did was clumsily pat his head, making his skin crawl.

“I like you, stinky boy. Here, have some treats!”

He cackled again. An avalanche of maggots rained down from his hand.

Harry quickly lifted his sweater to form an apron that caught the most of them.

Hastur squealed in delight and stepped a few steps back to line up with Ligur again. Ligur watched Harry and his maggots with interest.

“What do you want to keep them for?” he asked.

“I thought as snacks...” Harry began. He had wanted to say “… for my pets”, but snake dad’s face was so furious that he didn’t finish the sentences.

Ligur stared at him. He was as handsome as Hastur was ugly, but the stare really wasn’t nice.

“I mean, if it’s okay,” said Harry. “I can keep them as pets, too. I don’t want to be respectless...” He really wasn’t sure if it was okay to be respectless to these two guys. Did demon like respect or disrespect? So he quickly added: “… to Lord Belzebub, I mean. In case they’re flies.”

Ligur nodded. He let go of Crowley who now that Hastur had stepped away from the kid wasn’t quite as agitated any more. Crowley just hissed at Hastur again, a word in Parseltongue so ferocious that Harry would never forget it in his life, then quickly followed Ligur to Harry, and stood next to them so he could intervene if necessary. 

“Seriously, Duke Ligur,” he said. “The kid’s off limits.”

“Maybe,” said Ligur, and Crowley relaxed somewhat. Ligur wasn’t one for surprises. Cruel and forceful, but with a planning mind ticking behind it. 

Ligur bent his knees until he sat on his heels and had a good long look at Harry, and Harry was scared, but snake dad was here and not freaking out about this guy. Also, this one had a chameleon on his head, and Harry watched it in fascination, his brain latching onto everything that looked less threatening than Ligur’s calculating expression.

“Your dad,” said Ligur, enjoyed every word of it, “is a prick, a pain in the ass, an absolute wankstain, and an embarassment to all of us. But as least he’s teaching you manners. So, little Crowley, if someone is trying to fire a curse into your skull again, you come and tell Uncle Ligur, and I will tear their limbs off one by one, strip the flesh off their bones and let you watch. Okay?”

Harry nodded. Something in Ligur’s voice made clear that this was the only possible answer.

Ligur stood upright again, and from his fist, more maggots rained into Harry’s sweater, bigger white ones, and longer brown ones. “Your dad also should have taught you never to eat anthing that Uncle Hastur dug out of a graveyard. But you can eat these. The white ones are for eating raw, and the brown ones are for breeding, and then putting into a frying pan.”

Harry tried to keep his eyes on the little claws of the chameleon that he could see on Ligur’s forehead, so he didn’t have to look at the demon’s face. “What do I feed them? What do they eat?” he asked. 

Ligur made a small, amused noise. “Everything. And anyone.”

Harry realized that snake dad lifted an urgent eyebrow.

“Thanks, Uncle Ligur,” he said quickly.

Ligur lifted a hand as a greeting, and he and Hastur sank back into the ground.

+

Harry felt dizzy, sick, he still almost didn’t dare to breath the air the demons had been in.

He didn’t want to look up into snake dad’s face, so he looked down at the huge pile of wriggling things he held up in his sweater. A few of them had already eaten through the cotton and were falling onto the floor.

“Can I keep them?” he asked.

Crowley snapped his fingers, and they were gone.

“Please?” said Harry. “I don’t want them to be mad that I didn’t keep them right.”

Crowley growled and snapped his fingers again, and three canvas bags full of wiggles appeared.

“They’re not going anywhere near my plants,” he growled. 

He took Harry’s hand, and Harry was glad about it, even if he was too old to hold someone’s hand in public. They quickly rushed home. It was when the house came in sight that Harry started shaking. When they arrived at the flat, his teeth were clattering, and snake dad took his bags, lifted him up and carried him on his arm like a toddler. Harry put his arms around his dad’s neck, hid his face on his shoulders and closed his eyes until they were back in his bedroom.

Sirius greeted them at the door and followed them.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “What happened?”

“Just ran into some other demons,” said Crowley, “and they were their usual charming self.”

“Is Harry hurt?”

“I don’t know.”

A quick snap transferred the maggots into three new terrariums in the living-room, and then snake dad sat on the bed with Harry on his lap, and Sirius sat close. Harry took Sirius’ hand and leaned against snake dad’s chest. Snake dad murmured calming things and insults to stupid demons who wouldn’t even find their maggoty ass without a map and some extra help, and rubbed his back until the shivering got better.

Harry didn’t cry, although he thought he might feel better if he did. But these guys were too scary to  
cry.

Crowley suddenly saw movement on Harry’s head. 

“Lice,” he said and snapped his fingers to remove them. “Huh. Lice, not scabies. I think Uncle Hastur really does like you. You need to wear more bug repellent sigils in the future. Can’t have him shower you in critters every time we meet.”

“Uncle Hastur?” asked Sirius. “Duke of Hell? From the card game?”

“Yes.”

“What did he want from Harry?”

“He was just curious, I guess. Most demons think Harry is a half-demon, my half-demon, to be precise. Parselmouth. Snake-demon of Temptation. I admit it’s a short leap.”

“If you didn’t know his parents. Harry looks exactly like them.”

Crowley nodded. 

“I mean, he is mine now, but not genetically. If there is a snake demon further down in his ancestry, it wasn’t me. Lots of snake demons in Hell.”

He had been wondering if somewhere, very, very far in the past, probably even in the damp, cold Celtic times, he had made a half-demon who might have passed on the Parselmouth thing. But he was very sure, reasonably sure at least, that he hadn’t. If Harry had any kind of demon heritage, it had to be some other reptile demon, but then again, humans had the weirdest shit in their genes. 

He looked. The lice were back.

“Oh blessit! What the Heaven, Hastur!”

He snapped his fingers again, and Harry could smell petroleum and a sharp chemical smell, and his head felt cold.

“Sorry about that,” said Crowley. “All of it. That was not supposed to happen. No demon business for you, young snake spawn. At least these were kind of on my side demons. Could have been worse.”

Harry had been chased around by big and mean kids at his old school, and by Uncle Vernon at his old home. But these demons were a completely different kind of fear. Other kids had bullied him where adults didn’t look, and Vernon where the neighbours didn’t see it. These demons wouldn’t care if anyone saw them. They had come at him in broad daylight, in a public place. Uncle Ligur would even want people to watch when he did something bad. The idea that they could kill him and make everyone watch was terrible. 

“Are they really your family?” he asked.

“Heaven, no. They’re my bosses. They probably think because they can give me orders and have known me forever, we’re something special. But we just don’t like each other, nothing special about that. Call them uncles if you want, but don’t forget they’re just toying with you. Like cats with a mouse, you know.”

Sirius was surprised. “I thought Lord Beelzebub is your boss.”

“Lord Beelzebub is everyone’s boss, son.”

“Uncle Hastur said I’m stinking,” said Harry reproachfully, his head still buried in snake dad’s shoulder. He really had been showering and washing very meticulously since Lord Beelzebub had called him a zzztinker. “He said something is dying inside me.”

Crowley had picked up on that, too. 

“First of all, as a rule of thumb: In this house, we do not listen to what Uncle Hastur says about anything. If you ask me, he’s been down there too long. So, could be true, could be false. Hard to say with Hastur these days, really. But consider this: If your scar was doing you any harm, you would be very sick, or very evil. It’s a curse gone wrong, that much everyone can see, and it’s obviously not affecting you, so don’t you worry.”

Finally, Harry stopped shivering. Crowley sat him on Sirius’ lap.

“I want to show you something. There’s something you don’t know about demons, Harry. Give me your sweater.”

Harry slipped out of the sweater, and Crowley scowled at the many holes the maggots had eaten into it already. “You’re not wearing that again,” he said, held it in his hand and with a snap of his fingers, set it on fire.

“Now look.”

Harry had flinched, but looked.

Crowley held his free hand in the middle of the flames.

“Demon. Fire. Not a problem. Hastur is an amphibian demon, but even he is highly fire-proof. I’m a reptile demon. I love heat. Fire is my friend. Good luck trying to burn me. It’s not going to happen.”

With a mere thought, he extinguished the fire.

“So, next time Hastur is threatening to burn me, just let him. If he threatens to kill me, let him too. He can’t kill me. He can destroy this body, but I’ll just get a new one. Not easy to kill a demon, and he knows that. You didn’t know. But now you know. Right?”

Harry nodded, and Crowley ruffled his hair, heavy with anti-lice tincture and residual magic as it was. 

“Right. And now off into the bathtub you go. Stink of curse energy all you want, but that smell of Hastur’s glove has to go. Leave the clothes in a heap on the floor. We’re going to burn everything that these maggots have touched.”

+

Harry went to the bathroom, much calmer now. The warm bath would also do him good. Sirius was painfully reminded of James’ mom, who had been like this. He also had known Lily’s mom in passing, who had not been like this. His own parents hadn’t even remotely been like this. 

He glared at the demon until he took notice. 

“Something the matter, son?”

“How are you so good at this?”

“This what?”

“This dad job. You’re a demon. You squirm when you see something nice, you smile when something bad happens to someone. How can you be so good with kids?”

Crowley shrugged. “I told you, I’ve done this before.”

“Raising a kid? A fully human kid? Or was it demon spawn?”

“Not much of a difference, actually. Kid is kid.”

“That doesn’t explain why you can do better than most human parents I’ve seen.”

Crowley raised an eyebrow. “Demon of Temptation, remember. I can sense what people need, gain their trust, give it to them. All perfectly normal demonic skills for someone in my line of work.”

Sirius made a face. “So when I’m called a little shit, that’s what I need?”

“Yep. That’s good for you. You’re already a brat, but you could do better. It’s my fatherly duty to teach you how to be _really_ annoying.”

“How nice and considerate of you.”

Crowley hissed. He hated these words, but he wasn’t rising to the bait. Sirius was a little shit, and he would never get anything done if he let Sirius provoke him that easily. So he kept it at a warning hiss, because it was snake-like, and Sirius didn’t like the snake things.

Sirius looked at him questioningly until demon dad’s eyebrows questioned back.

Then Sirius grinned. “You have a very creative approach to the whole demonic life, don’t you?”

Crowley shrugged. “If there was a demonic lifestyle, it would be demonic to rebel against it.”

“And you’re not a stupid demon.”

“Stupid demons don’t make it long up here. Earth is harsh.”

“Really? Compared to Hell? How?”

Crowley hesitated for a moment. But he had established that he liked questions, he wasn’t going to back out of that now. “We’re weaker up here. It’s the time thing. Slows us down. Very disorienting for those who aren’t used to it. And there’s not just demons here to tempt humans to do evil. There’s also angels, to tempt them the other way. Angels are very dangerous.”

“So how do you survive them?”

Crowley raised his eyebrows. “Would you believe me if I told you it’s my dashing looks, my cunning ways and my quick tongue that save me?”

“I actually think I would.”

“Really?”

Sirius grinned. “I can’t think of much else that you can do that would.”

“Brat.”


	9. Snekwrangler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Sirius meets Aziraphale! I've been looking forward to this mini-arc so much! Of course it then put up a lot of resistence while giving it shape, so I apologize for some residual clunky bits. Hope the rest makes up for it ;)
> 
> My beta reader asked why Sirius knows The Hobbit. Erm. That is a very good question. Maybe Sirius is a rebel and someone who drives motorbike instead of a traditional broom also reads the occasional muggle book?
> 
> Edit: The Hobbit reference now coming up next chapter, but yeah, the question is still valid ;)
> 
> I'm hinting at violence in this chapter, but I think I'll leave the rating as it is, after all, we have gruesome murder in the original Harry Potter pretty much from day one, in a children's book and movie, I think I'm good... Ahahaha, that reminds me, was I really thinking I only had swearwords in when Sirius arrives? I think they came with Crowley from pretty much the start.
> 
> Anyway, have fun now with Sirius taking over the story for a bit.
> 
> Edit: Ack, I accidentally left a betareader remark in, now it's removed.

+

The next day was also filled with things to do. Crowley had Harry’s eyes and glasses checked and miracled the glasses better. (“Don’t tell Sirius or I’ll have to throw myself heroically before Petunia, and then she’ll get a divorce and seduce me with her evilness and marry me and be your stepmother, do you want that? No, you don’t, so be careful what you tell Sirius.”)

Harry “taught” Snuffles a lot of tricks, or, to be more precise, Snuffles taught Harry that he would do almost everything for scritches behind the ears and cuddles. Sirius spent most of his time in Snuffles form because he didn’t deal with all the changes in his life very well, but Harry liked it best when he was Sirius and sat with him on the roof and told him stories about his parents and the wizarding world (“Don’t tell demon dad that I broke my collar bone when I was your age by jumping off a broom in full flight, or he’ll never let you fly.”)

And Harry and snake dad visited a school that snake dad said was “acceptable” even though it didn’t teach Latin. The school year had still a few weeks left and Harry had hoped he wouldn’t have to go to school before the holidays, but apparently, he very much did. He even had to spend half a day at the school to see if he liked it. No one was mean to him, but the teachers were a bit frightening because they all told him how soon he could keep up with the class if he worked hard enough in the summer holidays. Harry wasn’t overly thrilled by that, but the thought that he could ask Mr. Fell for help cheered him up, and he really liked that the way home from school would be short, less time for Uncle Hastur to say hi, more time at home with snake and Sirius.

It was a bit embarassing to have a parent wait for you at the school entrance, even a cool parent like snake dad. And it was weird to be happy to go home. Harry secretly was glad that snake dad’s house wasn’t too inviting. That would probably have been too much. And… a perfect human home would have asked for a perfect human child, and Harry knew only too well that he wasn’t that. But he could be a weird snake spawn in a weird snake lair, no problem. And snake dad’s house had a real bed, a dog, and it was warm. Harry had always been cold in the house in Privet Drive. 

Harry had to tell snake dad and Sirius everything about the new school, which was also weird, because no one had ever wanted to hear him talk about school, and just when they had wanted to sit on the roof for the rest of it, it started raining. So Harry and Sirius sat on the couch in the lounge, trying out the game console and the two games they had (Mario Cart and a soccer game, because snake dad had been disappointed in the avaiable zombie slaughter options), while their dad was in his study, on “demon business”.

They didn’t hear a single sound from the study, something which Sirius made an uncomfortable joke about, until a few hours later, when Harry started getting tired, a most disturbing screeching, squelching noise filled the flat for a moment, and they heard a heavy thud from the study, and a moan.

Harry and Sirius shared a startled look.

Demon business.

+

They jumped up, and Harry wanted to rush to the study, but Sirius held him back. He sniffed the air for a moment, then his eyes narrowed.

"I‘ll have a look,“ said Sirius. "Harry, you go to the door, put your shoes on, and wait for me to give you a signal if everything‘s okay or if you need to leave. Be quick, and be quiet.“

Harry protested, but Sirius remained firm, and Harry reluctantly gave in.

A wand, thought Sirius, I need a wand. It was so unnerving to face danger empty-handed. OK, he had a kitchen knife with him these days, but it just wasn’t the same. When he reached the door to the study, opened the door only a tiny bit and peeked through, he was glad that Harry wasn‘t right here. 

Demon dad had obviously been the one making the loud noise, hitting the floor, because he was down. Sirius slowly pushed the door open, nervously looking around if more people had come with Crowley, but no one else was there. He saw a summoning circle on the floor of the study, right around Crowley‘s body, every line, every sigil on it burning with a short, but hot blue flame.

Sirius couldn’t read the writing. Some of it were wizarding runes he knew, but most of them he couldn’t even say what language they were in, even with him having been very good at Runes.

Someone must have summoned the demon a while ago, without any of them noticing, and had dumped Crowley back from where he came from, and dumped an ominous, filthy package with him. Thankfully, that someone hadn‘t come along. Sirius opened the door wide enough to slip into the room, carefully avoiding to touch any part of the summoning circle.

"Crowley?“ he asked. "Demon dad?“

Demon dad looked really bad. Not bloody, not bruised, no visible injuries. But panting, obviously in much pain, covered in some goo, shivering and grimassing. The hair stuck to his head, the sunglasses were missing, and there was no more white in his eyes, only yellow. Sirius’ sense of smell wasn’t as good in human form as he wished, and the smell of fire, smoke and decay would have probably overpowered it anyway. It reminded Sirius of the smell of the summoning circle in the Dursely house. But was this a wizarding smell? Or demonic? He didn’t know. 

Demon dad tried to get up, but couldn‘t, and tried to crawl out of the circle. His hands brushed over the sigils of the summoning circle and twitched back. Then he tried to wipe out some of the sigils on the circle, reaching right into the hot, hissing flames, but the sigils didn’t go away. The demon’s hands showed no sign of singing or being burnt. Sirius, who was not fireproof and wouldn’t dream of touching those flames, could feel the heat even from a distance.

Sirius watched Crowley try and snap his fingers, but there was no sound, and the sigils stayed. Crowley groaned and finally kicked at the floor, until he had smudged one sigil with his shoe. 

The fires went out and the circle dimmed down until he was barely visible, but didn‘t vanish entirely. Slowly and painfully, demon dad pulled forwards until his shoulders were out of the circle.

Only now Sirius walked over to help him. No one would have been helped by him stepping into a still live summoning circle. Demon dad was heavy, and when Sirius‘ right hand touched some goo on demon dad‘s body, it started to prickle, but he did it, he pulled him out of the circle. Demon dad lay there, panting. 

This was better. Now that Sirius could actually do something, he felt his mind get clearer and colder, miles away from panicking. He had seen worse, he had dealt with worse. He could do this.

"Harry, wait another moment,“ Sirius called, and put a hand on Demon dad‘s shoulder. It prickled some more, but only like a soda.

"Steady,“ he said. "You‘re home. Are you okay? Where the hell were you?“

Crowley tried to reply, but still couldn‘t. His gaze wasn‘t focussed, and he wasn‘t staying steady either. Instead, grunting and panting, he pushed himself up, on his ellbows, trying to get on his knees. 

"Lie down and let me have a look,“ said Sirius and gentle tried to push him down again. Demon dad just gave him a noncomprehending look out of those huge yellow eyes and continued to struggle upwards. The hand on his shoulder didn‘t seem to hinder him at all, he could move with a lot of strength, but he couldn‘t do it for long, and quickly fell to the ground again.

"It would seriously be better not to do this,“ Sirius growled. 

Crowley didn‘t listen to him in the slightest. He stubbornly tried to get up again, and again.

It was too much. Too much for a wizard who had spent years hearing the suffering of others around him. This had to stop, one way or another.

"Harry!“ he called. "Cover your ears for two minutes!“

He waited until he heard a faint okay, then turned back to the demon and narrowed his eyes.  
Here was one of them. One of those who put so much pain and struggle into the world, spread it around, not caring who it hit. One of them who thrived off the suffering of others.

"Look at you,“ said Sirius coldly. "Not so proud to be a demon now, are we? The first Dark Wizard who summons you hands you your ass. Better for the world if the evil ones take it out among themselves. Don‘t think I‘ll pity you.“

Crowley spat some words out, but Sirius didn‘t understand them. He was familiar with the hissing cadences though. 

"Sorry, I don‘t speak Snake,“ he said. "But fuck you too.“

Demon dad’s eyes started focussing on him. Good. He took a deep breath and told the demon exactly what he thought about evil, and what evil deserved, and the demon soaked it all up.

When he ended, Crowley had managed to pull himself up to his knees, holding on to his huge chair, and he seemed to be getting some of his breath back. 

Sirius gave him a smile.

"Better?“

Sirius was about to grab him again to get him out of this room, when Crowely managed to get a few words out.

"Break… the circle,“ Crowley rasped, this time in English.

Sirius look over to the faintly glowing markings on the floor. If this thing belonged shut, it probably was dangerous for Harry. Of course he wanted to get rid of it, but there was a problem. 

"I don‘t know how,“ he admitted. He wasn’t familiar with the writing, or the way the lines intersected. "Tell me how.“

Crowley focussed the scary big yellow eyes on him.

"Get Aziraphale.“

With one last groan, the demon in front of him turned into his snake form. A huge black snake with red markings on the sides and a red belly, a really huge snake, with its head still covered in goo, swaying aimlessly like it was drunk.

Sirius made some steps backwards, his heart racing. The snake didn‘t follow him, just coiled in on itsself in the same position on the ground and kept on with the faint hisses.

"Harry? Can you come here real quick?“ called Sirius. "But only to the door, don‘t come in.“

He could hear Harry‘s boots quickly approaching the study, and then stopping in the door, staring at the snake. "Snake dad!“ he breathed.

"He wants something,“ said Sirius. "What‘s he saying?“

"Only the same thing over and over. ‘Get Aziraphale, you fucking fleabag‘. Err. sorry about that. I think he means you.“

"Who‘s Aziraphale?“

"It‘s Mr. Fell. The bookkeeper. You know, my literature teacher.“

"He‘s a muggle. What does he know about magic?“

Harry didn‘t have any doubts like that. "He knows almost everything. He has thousands of books and knows what‘s in every one of them. Can‘t I come in?“

"No, Harry, stay. We don‘t know what this portal will do next. Keep your distance. We‘ll call that bookseller.“

"We don‘t know the number.“

"He has a business, he‘ll be in the phone book. We can get the number from directory inquiries.“

But as soon as he had picked up the receiver of the phone on the desk, it automatically dialled a number. And it was the bookshop. Interesting, but Sirius didn‘t have much mental capacity for this discovery now, in the middle of him trying his hardest not to panic, trying to forget that he shared the room with a demon snake.

The phone call was brief, and the promise to come instant.

+

Sirius wouldn‘t admit it, but he was relieved. He had swallowed his fear for a minute, and tried to move the snake, but it was really heavy, and probably injured, so he quickly abandoned that idea. 

All he could currently do was wait, and make sure Harry didn’t enter the room. Without Harry, he would probably not kept it together, but he had to, he had to be strong for Harry. Harry was of course very tense, but not panicking, which Sirius was glad about. The snake now rested its head on its body, eyes glassy, not reacting to anything. Harry hissed something at the snake from the door of the study from time to time, but the snake didn‘t reply.

Sirius realized for the first time that opposite of the door he had come in, another hallway led out of the study, with more rooms, and another statue at the end of it. He didn’t like that discovery. Who knew what the demon had or did in those rooms. 

Quicker than they had expected, the doorbell rang. 

Harry let Mr. Fell in and led him to the study. Mr. Fell looked just as harmless, nice and unassuming as Harry had described him, white-haired, middle-sized, well-rounded, in beige clothes, with a bowtie. He smelled of old books even from afar, and he looked very worried.

The bookseller greeted them politely, and then he saw the snake. "Good Lord!“ he breathed. "Crowley, what on Earth were you doing? Look at you!“ He was at the snake’s side the next moment, running his hands down the scales, and wiping off the goo with a number of handkerchiefs he pulled out of his pockets. 

"What happened, Harry, Mr. Crowley? Who did that?“

Interesting choice of words. So the bookseller alredy knew a someone was involved.

Sirius shrugged. "Someone summoned him, no idea who, and dropped him back here after a few hours, in really bad human shape. Turned into a snake within ten minutes, that‘s all we know. He said two things. ‚Break the circle‘, and when I didn‘t know how, ‘Get Aziraphale‘. That’s you?“

"Yes, that‘s me.“

"Can you break that circle? Are you a Dark Wizard?“

"I‘m not a wizard,“ said Mr. Fell. Sirius was not surprised. Any wizard would have drawn his wand long ago at the sight of the room. "But I can break a sigil or two. The circle is barely functional anyway, in this state, but let‘s not take a risk.“

Mr. Fell studied the circle for a few seconds, and then fearlessly reached into it and removed the package from the circle that had come with Crowley.

Sirius looked very closely at what Mr. Fell would do next, and expected at least some magical chalk and some spells. But all the man did was stick his finger in his mouth for a moment, and then simply write over some sigils with a few quick movements of his wet finger, smudging them out.

The circle suddenly flared up, bright like lightning, and for a moment, a pillar of white light filled the room above the circle. Then the light faded down, and the circle was gone.

They all flinched. Mr. Fell even jumped back.

"Oh my goodness,“ he squealed. "I guess I was a bit too thorough.“

He gave them a small, apologetic smile. "I‘m terribly sorry. But at least we won‘t have to deal with summonings in this house again. I think I accidently summon-proofed the whole neighbourhood.“

He didn‘t wait for any replies, instead he quickly was with the snake again, running his hands over its body, very carefully.

"No broken bones, that‘s good. We need to get him somewhere warm. I think he said he has a heat lamp somewhere in here?“

"Over the bathtub,“ said Harry.

"Ah, yes, good place for him to sleep this off. Let‘s put him there.“

Sirius watched the man pick up the snake with a few routined movements, sling the snake over his shoulders and stand upright, easily, as if he carried nothing more than a few books.

“Which way to the bathroom?” he asked, and Harry showed him.

Crowley was carefully placed into the bathtub onto soft blankets that Sirius was certain hadn‘t been there before, and the bookseller switched the infrared light over the tub on. It was a huge bathtub, and the snake filled a lot of it. Seeing the snake in the gloomy red light of the heat lamp, the body coiling around itself, reminded Sirius again why he really really really didn‘t like snakes. Demon dad had never been a more suitable word. 

The snake flicked his tongue out in Aziraphales direction a few times, hissed a few words, and Harry whispered an answer. Aziraphale nodded along.

Suddenly, Sirius understood. Understood why the fussy bookseller had come without hesitation, had recognized demon dad in snake form, could mess with magic, was so familiar with handling this huge ass snake, understood Parseltongue, and could carry such a heavy weight. Mr. Fell was a demon, too.

"You‘re pretty strong for a bookseller,“ Sirius said.

"Oh, I carry heavy books all day,“ chirped the guy and smiled at him. It was a very nervous smile. "And heavy snakes, of course, although not every day.“

"He‘s really heavy, probably weighs more in snake form than in human form,“ said Sirius, stubbornly.

"Oh, yes, I think he does,“ said Mr. Fell. "Do you want to sit with Crowley for a bit, Harry? I‘ll bring you some hot cocoa. Crowley will sleep now. For now, don’t touch him, he’s hurt, and could be startled by it. But you can talk to him. He can hear you even if he sleeps. It’ll do him good to hear a familiar voice.”

Harry was happy to have something he could do for snake dad, that was obvious. 

"Won‘t he need water?“ he asked. 

Aziraphale shook his head. "Just sleep.“

Harry kneeled in front of the bathtub and kept his eyes on the snake. "Poor snake dad,“ he said.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Sirius and Aziraphale!

+

Mr. Fell went into the kitchen, and Sirius followed him closely.

"You did not just lift up a snake that heavy like it was nothing,“ he continued the needling.

"It‘s a matter of experience, and practise,“ said Mr. Fell, his voice tense. "I‘ve done this before, you know.“

"You didn‘t even get out of breath. You‘re no ordinary human, Mr. Fell.“

"I have no idea what you could be talking about. Tea, Mr. Crowley? Or cocoa?“

"No, thanks. Listen, Mr. Fell, you don‘t have to stay. I can make cocoa for Harry and watch the snake. We‘ll be fine.“

Mr. Fell shook his head. "He has asked for me to come, right? It‘s no bother, Mr. Crowley, really, and I‘d much rather sit through this with him and keep an eye on him. I don’t know in what state he’ll be in when he wakes up.“

Sirius had to be more direct. 

"Mr. Fell, I‘m responsible for Harry, and I don‘t know you. I have no idea if you‘re trustworthy enough that I would want you here. You‘re not human, I can tell. Think I didn‘t see you miracle a soft nest into the bathtub?“

Mr. Fell sputtered and murmured something about a trick of the light.

Sirius sneered.

"There‘s no need to lie to me, Mr. Fell. You‘re exactly like him. You‘re a demon, too.“

"I am WHAT?“ asked Mr. Fell sharply.

"A demon,“ repeated Sirius, happy to finally get a reaction out of this guy. "What else would you be?“

"Well!“ huffed Mr. Fell. "If I was you, young man, I wouldn‘t go around throwing accusations like these around willy-nilly. I am not a demon. I am here to help you, and it‘s really no bother, but I would very much appreciate it if you‘d stop calling me names, thank you very much.“

"Oh,“ grinned Sirius. "A touchy demon.“

"If you’ll excuse me,“ said Mr. Fell coldly. "I have some hot cocoa to make and then I would quite like to check in on my patient.“

Sirius watched him fill a pot with milk and put it on the stove, but with growing unease. 

"I want you out of the house by night,“ he said. "I don‘t know you, and I don‘t trust you.“

Mr. Fell didn‘t comment on that, and Sirius had a feeling that it would be very difficult indeed to get rid of him. He would have to bring it up later. Right now, this demon being here had a use. 

"Touchy, and stubborn, huh? So, share your demon thoughts with me, why don‘t you? You saw him and instantly knew that it wasn‘t an accident, that someone had done this to him. Who do you think messed the snake up like that?“

"I can‘t be certain.“

"You sound like you know who did it.“

"Let‘s say I have a strong suspicion.“

"And what are you going to do against it?“

"There‘s unfortunately not a lot I can do about it, except getting Crowley back on his feet.“

"Wait, what? Demon dad doesn‘t give a shit about wizards, dark or light, and you back out of a fight with a dark wizard just like that?“

Mr Fell gave him a disapproving look. "I think it‘s pretty obvious at this point that no wizard did this. As you said, Crowley doesn‘t exactly have much to fear from wizards.“

“That was a Wizard’s Summoning Circle.”

“I really can’t comment on that.”

"Oh, I get it. You‘ve seen what some Dark Wizard did to demon dad, and now you‘re scared. Must be a pretty strong enemy, that. Think you couldn‘t take him?“

Mr Fell pressed his lips together. "That is entirely not the point. The point is that it would be extremely unwise to rush into trouble before we know what exactly is going on.“

"So it was a strong enemy?“

Mr Fell didn‘t answer that.

"Oh wow, much stronger enemy then.“

Mr Fell got some cocoa out of a cupboard. Didn‘t even have to search for it. Ha. Didn’t know the way to the bathroom, but could make hot cocoa here in his sleep. Either knew this kitchen a lot better than Sirius, who hadn‘t seen any cocoa like this before in this house, or in his life, or it had appeared here like the blankets in the tub had. Sirius made a mental note to look out for how he did it.

Mr. Fell still ignored his questions, and Sirius kept guessing.

"Or many of them? How many enemy wizards does it take to bring a demon down, Mr. Fell?“

Finally, Mr. Fell answered, although in a very reserved tone. 

"We can‘t know anything before Crowley can tell us what he saw. Did you see him get summoned?“

"No. We heard a noise, and when I looked into the study, there he was lying in the summoning circle on the floor, looking absolutely shit, trying to kick out one of the sigils.“

"Did you try to overwrite the portal sigil? On the outmost ward?“

Sirius couldn‘t believe it. "Did I do what? Do I look like a Dark Wizard to you? How would I know how to do that?“

"By reading the writing. Summoning circles tend to be extremely clearly labelled.“

"I couldn‘t read it. That‘s Dark Arts, and I won‘t have anything to do with it.“

Mr. Fell shook his head.

"What do they teach you in those magical schools of yours?“

Oh, so the bookseller had heard that the new Crowleys were wizards. For a muggle, he was a bit too well-informed about the existence of magical schools. More proof that he wasn’t remotely human.

"Not Dark Magic, that‘s for sure.“

"You should at least have learned how to end a summoning.“

"You mean, because the other side then wouldn‘t try again, or maybe would show up on our doorstep instead, and that would be better?“

Mr. Fell raised an eyebrow. "Ah. Well. You‘re probably right. I apologize.”

He was so polite and reasonable. He was actually helpful. He made cocoa. It was really really hard to hate this demon, but Sirius could still see the other demon, writhing on the floor, hear the pained gasps, see the snake under the eerily red light. It brought back echoes of years of pain, it made him extremely jumpy, and his hand where it had touched the goo started hurting more with every minute.

"So, demon, as you clearly seem to know what‘s going on here, tell me. Is anyone going to turn up on our doorstep?“

Mr Fell tried a nervous smile. "Well, I did.“

"Yeah, I mean, one of the guys how messed up the snake. It wasn‘t you, was it?“

He knew it wasn’t Mr. Fell. He would have smelled it on demon dad. He had smelled something familiar that he vaguely connected with the demon lawyers, but there were other, new smells too, sharp and odd, that he didn’t know, but that some part of his brain insisted yelling at him about, and he certainly didn’t like it. It could be other demons. 

Mr Fell was even more offended than when he had uncovered his demon identity. "Of _course_ not! I would _never_!“

Sirius smirked. "You two are very unofficial, aren‘t you? Makes me think you two belong to rivalling demon gangs.“

Oh, this one made Mr. Fell squirm. Actually squirm.

"Are you, Mr. Fell? Are you enemies? I have a feeling I should know, seeing how me and Harry are going to be in the line of fire if things go ugly.“

"I really don‘t think I can tell you anything that will make you safer,“ Mr Fell finally said. "If you should find yourself caught in between such a… a…“

"Gang war?“

"Battle.“

"Battle?!“

"Or any such conflict on a smaller scale… Well, there really isn‘t anything you could do if anyone involved in this sad affair would decide to… do something unnecessary.“

"Your side pretty bad then?“

"Powerful, Mr. Crowley, very powerful, and they won‘t be very nuanced about you being another Crowley. I suggest you step very, very carefully.“

Sirius heard the warning, but being patronized by this hobbit of a demon made him angry. Soft hands, soft voice, soft eyes, smartarse remarks, keeping the really important things from him, what kind of fucking help was that?

"And I suggest that you shove all those remarks up your fat ass until you tell me what‘s really going on! Did your side do this? _Was it your side?_ “

It was infuriating how you couldn‘t ever make Mr. Fell lose his composure, just bristling some more, but at least you could make him answer, even if it was briefly.

"It most certainly was not.“

"How can you be so certain?“ snarled Sirius. "If you‘re so certain, you must know something. If your side are enemies of him, why wouldn‘t they do it? Why?“

Mr Fells face twitched. "Because they wouldn‘t have given him back. There wouldn‘t be anything to give back!“ So Mr. Fell could get loud after all. That had sounded desperate rather than angry, but Mr. Fell quickly caught himself again. "But they wouldn‘t touch him right now. It would mess with their Plan. For now, he should be fairly safe.“

"Fairly safe? Does he look fairly safe to you?“

"Actually, yes. He does.“

The authority that Mr Fell had in a small sentence like this, even looking nervous, was infuriating. He knew what was going on, he knew what they could do, but he didn‘t say anything, he just let him hanging here, with a kid to protect, because why would a demon help someone as beneath him as a wizard? Sirius finally snapped.

"Are you telling me fairly safe is good enough, when we have a child here?“ he yelled. "Fairly safe, isn‘t that great. But what do you care, you‘re a demon, I get it. Your only loyalty is to your gang, snakes and their snake spawn be damned.“

That got a much darker glare out of Mr. Fell than Sirius had expected. Good. Sirius wasn’t done yet though. "You‘re as coldblooded as any of them, I bet. What‘s the life of another demon to you, huh? How many other demons have you killed in your life, Mr. Fell, how many? You know what, I want you out of the house right now. I have to put up with one stupid demon, but I don‘t have to put up with two. You get out of here. Right! Now!“

He grabbed Mr. Fell‘s shoulder, trying to push him out of the kitchen, but the second he touched him, his hand, having prickled like hell already, suddenly was in such sharp pain that he screamed. He quickly drew it back and saw that buried in his hand were dozens of sharp, triangular teeth, each of them at least half way through his whole hand, because the grip he‘d had on that shoulder had been quite firm and pushed them far in. Blobs of blood were coming out of the wounds, and his hand burned like fire.

He screamed again, staring at the demon accusingly. Mr. Fell had a very surprised look on his face, but then quickly grabbed his wrist and pulled him to the sink. Sirius couldn‘t do anything about it, this demon was as absurdly strong as the other one. He found his hand thrust under the tap, cold water washing away the blood. A quick movement of Mr Fell’s hand over his palm, a tingle of what had to be a kind of demon magic, and the teeth and the pain were gone.

"What the hell, hobbit demon, what the hell?“ he hissed. It was awful to be in this demon‘s direct presence. Because from up close, this demon smelled so nice and delicious and Sirius felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him. Damn! Just what he needed right now! Another sexy demon! How could this day even get any worse?

He tried to step away, but Mr Fells still had an iron grip around his wrist.

"I suggest you keep cooling your hand for a while longer,“ Mr Fell advised him. His voice was still stressed, but the undertones were warm. Very warm, the kind of warmth Sirius had been without for years and years, and it felt so good he wanted to grab it. "And your head too, while you‘re at it.“

Sirius nodded. What else could he do? Except probaly faint, or kiss an actual demon. What a day.

"Sirius, what happened?“ shrieked Harry, running into the room. "Are you hurt?“

Sirius was was both relieved and suddenly feeling very lonely when Mr. Fell stepped back. He looked into Harry‘s worried face and managed a weak smile.

"All good,“ he said, suddenly feeling guilty of having screamed like that. Harry would probably get nightmares. He was glad that there was no more trace of blood any more in the cold water that he still ran over his hand. "Just cut myself from being too smart. But I‘m fine. Just need to cool my hand a bit longer. How‘s snake dad doing?“

Harry looked at him doubtfully, but answered. "Still sleeping, I think. Are you really okay?“

Sirius let out a deep breath. His hand started feeling almost numb from the cold of the water, and it seemed to help him get a clearer head as well. "Yes, Harry. I‘m fine. I just overreacted. I‘ve spent years with absolutely nothing happening, this is all a bit much, I guess.“

Harry gave him a hug. 

That was better. Much better.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, updates! I wanted to wait until I had this whole summoning arc written, but it's been long enough now, let's have some new chapters. Sorry for the long wait, and thank you so much for everyone who read, kudossed and commented! You keep me focussed (for whatever counts as focussed for my writing), and you make me so happy. I really can't believe this story is getting so much continuous interest! Thank you everyone!

+

"Oh, my milk!“ squealed Mr. Fell suddenly, as the milk made an attempt to escape the pot.

"A 'miracle' it didn‘t burn over already,“ growled Sirius sarcastically. He felt dizzy, and he wasn't going to let the subject of demon battles and stupid snakes slide any time soon, but his rage was gone. Only his usual bitterness remained, and it would have to do.

“Oh, no!” exclaimed Harry angrily and quickly rushed to the stove. “No, you don’t!”

He took the pot of milk out of Mr. Fell’s hand. “Let me handle this, Mr. Fell. The stove is trying to pull one over you. I can’t let him treat you like this.”

He turned to the stove who had put on a display of big blue flames and yelled at it. “You know you’re not supposed to burn our food. Just because snake dad is sleeping doesn’t mean you can behave however you like. If you don’t cook properly, I’m going to dump a bucket of water on you!”

The blue flames for a moment flared up in protest, but then quieted down to a small, evenly burning cooking flames.

“There, it’s not difficult. And don’t try that again,” said Harry and put the milk pot back on. Technically, the milk was hot already, but it was for the principle of the thing.

“Sorry, Mr. Fell,” he said. “He sometimes does that when you turn your back on him.”

Mr. Fell thanked him with a smile. Sirius was baffled. “I didn’t know the stove is sentient.”

“Not really,” said Harry. “It’s just how snake dad’s magic works. It tries to be naughty, but you can talk to it.”

“I didn’t know that. When did you figure that out?” asked Sirius. 

Harry grinned. “On our first morning, when I tried to make breakfast. I saw that none of the appliances are plugged in and they still run, and then I asked snake dad if the stove is even connected to the gas line and he didn’t even know what a gas line was.”

Mr. Fell and Sirius had a bit of a sheepish look on them, so they both probably didn’t know either.

“I’m so sorry that I caused trouble in the kitchen,” said Mr. Fell. “I don’t know why I thought it was a regular kitchen.”

“No, it’s a magical kitchen, all of it,” said Harry. And with pride, he added: “I know how to cook in regular and magical kitchens now.”

“Oh, you can cook?” asked Mr. Fell. “I’ll add some cooking books to your shelf if you want to try new recipes.”

“That’d be great!” beamed Harry. “What kind of recipes should we try, Sirius? What do you like?”

Sirius finally closed the tap and fully turned to the room. “I like everything, Harry. But right now, what I’d like most, is answers.”

“I could hear that,” grinned Harry.

“Sorry,” mumbled Sirius. “I probably shouldn’t have yelled.”

“You were worried,” said Mr. Fell warmly. “It’s perfectly understandable.”

“I’m still worried,” said Sirius, because he was. "I still want answers, Mr. Fell.“

Mr Fell gave him one of the nervous smiles. "Let‘s all have cocoa first.“

There was no kitchen table, but Mr. Fell ‚found‘ some folding chairs in a storage cupboard. Sirius didn‘t even roll his eyes at this point. It was nice though, siting in the kitchen with a hot mug of cocoa. Miraculously, the milk had been enough for three mugs.

Harry had moved his chair so close to Sirius that their bodies touched. Sirius was perfectly aware that this was because the boy was worried for him. Because Harry was remarkably comfortable around Mr. Fell and didn’t seem to be in need of reassurance. While Sirius’ hands had started to shake and he was very much glad for the moral support.

Sirius looked at their guest. "Well, Mr. Fell, as our only resource for demonic doings, would you please give us some answers, at least enough that we know how to protect ourselves? How bad is the situation? How bad is it going to get from here?“

“Oh, it’s not getting worse,” said Mr. Fell quickly, holding his cup like a shield before him. “Whatever it was is over. And even if it wasn’t, this is a very safe house, and now it’s summon-proof. Crowley can sleep his injuries off and then he’ll be fine again.”

Harry looked at Mr. Fell. "How long will snake dad be sleeping? Snakes sometimes sleep a lot.“

Mr. Fell nodded. "He can sleep for years. But I think I‘ll wake him up in a few hours. 

"So someone calls him in, roughs him up, I get that, but why send him back at all?“ said Sirius, who started to piece the picture together while his head felt like it was filled with jelly. “That would make the most sense if this is his own folks calling him in for a few really stern words.“

"We‘ll have to ask him, I guess,” said Mr. Fell.

Sirius and Harry exchanged a glance. "Or did he violate the contract?“ wondered Sirius. "The fish demon said they‘d put some extra harsh punishment on that.“

Oh. That had been a mistake. Mr. Fell didn‘t like the sound of that one bit, and Sirius cursed himself for letting it slip.

"Fish. Demon?” asked Mr. Fell and blinked in confusion. “Contract?“

Sirius didn‘t reply, so Harry spoke up. "There was a fish demon at the hearing. A really cool one. A barracuda I think. I forgot the name. To help snake dad‘s lawyer. They were both lawyers. And they were both demons, too. Snake dad said they‘re on our side, so it‘s okay that they‘re demons, and that they would help us get the contract right.“

Mr. Fell froze. "Contract?“

Harry nodded. "For the adoption.“

"You were adopted by a contract with a demon?“

"Both of us. Yes. Is that wrong?“

Mr. Fell rubbed his eyes. "That kind of thing is always wrong, Harry.“

Harry looked at Sirius, who still very much not commented on this right now, and then back to Mr. Fell. "But our dad is a demon, and you have to sign some papers, for an adoption. I signed them, too, and my Aunt Petunia. And then suddenly a lot of people turned up and started haggling, and in the end the contract was as thick as a book, and then it burned and got signed by everyone because dad‘s lawyer got real mad for wasting so much time and made everyone sign it. But snake dad said it‘s okay. He says it‘s the best we could get under the circumstances.“

Then he remembered something. "Oh,“ he added, not sure if it was a good thing to tell Mr. Fell, but he knew it was important right now. "The lawyer was summoned with a circle too, not like the one in the study, but it was a circle, and the lawyer was really mad about it.“

Mr. Fell stared at him.

"Crowley summoned another demon?“ he asked in a strained voice.

"No, the wizard did it. Professor Dumbledore.“

Mr. Fell jumped off his chair and ran out of the room.

"Crowley!“ they heard him yell. 

Sirius and Harry exchanged a look and followed him quickly.

+

They followed Mr. Fell‘s angry voice to the bathroom.

Mr. Fell had indeed been loud enough, to the point where now a very tired, disoriented demon lay in the bathtub, trying to sort out his long limbs.

"Did you adopt these two by contract with a demon?“ Mr. Fell demanded to know, loudly.

"Mmbfff.“

"Did you actually tie a young, innocent child into a contract for his soul?“

"Merrrrr.“

"Answer me, Crowley.“

Crowley moved his head to the left and right, like he had done in snake form.

"Lemme sleep.“

"What happened today? Did you violate the contract?“

"Mnotnidiot. Corsnot. Lemme sleep.“

"Where were you? Who summoned you? Were you audited?“

Crowley groaned and rubbed hid feace, until he was clearer. "I‘m never audited. It was just… a thing.“

"A thing?“

"Yes, angel, a thing. Can I sleep now?“

"You have ten hours,“ said Mr. Fell sharply. 

"Ten months, yeah, yeah...“

"Ten. Hours.“

Crowley closed is eyes, sank back into the bath tub, and fell asleep curled up in a way no human body would find comfortable.

+

They returned to the kitchen, leaving Crowley under his heat lamp.

"I guess another round of cocoa is in order,“ said Mr. Fell, rather snidely, obviously still upset, and Sirius simply let him lay claim on the kitchen again. He‘d need more than cocoa to handle this situation, and he still didn‘t trust Mr. Fell very far, but yeah. Cocoa was probably a good start.

Sirius had a pretty clear idea of what Mr. Fell thought of the contract. He didn‘t have a clear idea about how much Mr. Fell was actually allowed to hear about it, and it worried him.

“Listen, Mr. Fell,“ he said. “I know you want details about the contract, but I can‘t give them to you. I don‘t know if there‘s a clause in the contract that says who we can disclose the content to, because I still haven‘t received my copy, and I‘d rather not take any risks here.“

Mr. Fell took it better than Sirius had expected. “I guess it‘s better to err on the side of caution, then,“ he said. "But can you confirm the things that Harry said earlier, about the people involved?“

Sirius pretty much could, even though he had to admit he hadn’t been very coherent at that time.

Harry grinned. “You were great!“

He gave Mr. Fell a conspiratory grin. “He got a commendation from snake dad‘s lawyer for being so stubborn and annoying through it all. Snake dad was so proud.“

"That‘s not something to be proud of,“ said Mr. Fell, but a small smile had played around the corners of his mouth for a moment. “I remember Crowley saying that you ‚threw the other one in at the last moment‘, so the adoption of another Crowley wasn‘t initially part of the contract?“

Harry shook his head. “No, but I asked snake dad if we could do it, and everyone was really eager to go home, so it got added and approved in five minutes or so.“

Mr. Fell smiled his warmest smile. “That was very good of you, Harry,“ he said.

He turned to Sirius, and the smile vanished. “I must confess that I know who you are, Mr. Crowley, formerly Sirius Black. Other than Crowley, I do keep up with the news from the Wizarding World.“

Sirius tried to steel himself. Murderer. Traitor. Of course it would come up again, and again. He just wished it wouldn‘t always come up when Harry was around. He didn‘t say anything. What was there really he could say? People had made up their minds about him. There was really nothing he could do about it.

“I was very upset to see the magical world descend into a civil war,“ Mr. Fell continued. "And I wish I would have been allowed to interfer, but I wasn‘t. We consider magic to be rather blasphemous and the official line is to let you reap what you‘ve sown, even more so as the wizarding world as a whole isn‘t interested in our assistence. Frankly, I don‘t agree with that at all. But there was nothing I could do, and I apologize.“

Sirius didn‘t respond for several seconds. Minutes. Lifetimes. He wasn‘t sure. 

“You… apologize?“

“I do, Mr. Crowley. I‘m aware it doesn‘t change anything about what happened, but I wanted you to know that I feel for your losses, and Harry‘s losses. Just as I feel for the losses that came of your hands.“

Of course. Sirius could do nothing but take it. 

“But he didn‘t kill those people,“ said Harry. “He‘s not a Bad Wizard.“

Sirius shook his head. “Don‘t, Harry. No one cares if I did it or not. And I have killed. It was a war. I just didn‘t kill… like that.“

He looked Mr. Fell in the face. “Thank you for the apology. I don‘t see why you‘d owe me one, but I appreciate it.“

That was precisely as much as he could take right now, concerning this topic. Time to divert.

“What did he mean, it was ‘a thing‘, Mr. Fell?“

“He means he‘s not going to tell me,“ said Mr. Fell tartly. 

“But you pretty much know, don’t you?”

“Pretty much, and I’m afraid I can’t tell you either.” He looked at them apologetically. “There really is no benefit to you knowing these things, I’m afraid. Crowley has upset some people who were nice enough to let him get away with a warning, but there’s no reason to assume they’d extend the same curtesy to you, so you shouldn’t be involved in whatever this is in any way.

These are people you absolutely can’t interfer with, and neither can I, and Crowley shouldn’t have upset them either. Crowley is always so reckless, taking such risks. I’ll never get used to it.”

Sirius didn’t like to hear that. At all. But he couldn’t shake off the realization that from this nice, helpful bookseller they could reasonably expect a lot of trouble, too.

“Is you being here a danger, like, wouldn’t your side realize you’re here and come looking?” asked Sirius. “No offense, but I need to know.”

Mr. Fell just gave him a tired smile. “We usually avoid being seen in public together, but in here is the safest place I’ve ever seen. This is the place where Crowley goes to fall asleep. He’s secured this place against his enemies to a rather impressive point.”

“But not against his own side?”

“That wouldn’t be wise.”

“And the place is not secured against you.”

“I’m not his enemy, Mr. Crowley.”

“I know you’re not, but does anyone else know? You avoid being seen in public. So I guess we’re not going to tell anyone that you’ve been here, in any way?”

“Yes. I think you both know at this point that it can’t be known that we have, well, an Arrangement. It would be very dangerous for Crowley to be found out.”

“Not for you?”

Mr. Fell rolled his eyes. “My side will probably just chalk it down to the haplessness I’m known for. I’ve been demoted for stupider things. And Crowley has a reputation for being very persuasive, which would count in my favour. But my side could do terrible things to Crowley, and his own side has a reputation to do worse. We really can’t risk it.”

Sirius didn’t want to smile, but he couldn’t resist. “Demoted for stupider things?”

Mr. Fell looked away. “Well.”

+

Harry’s bedtime came closer, and Sirius was torn between wanting to get rid of Mr. Fell, and not wanting to be alone with all this responsibility. He’d had bad nights, every night, but he hadn’t them alone. Tonight, he’d have to be someone’s protector while he was falling apart himself. 

He still didn’t like Mr. Fell coming in and taking over the place, but the idea of having him here over night sounded better the later it got. Mr. Fell took some risk by coming here, and he wanted to help. If only he wasn’t so nice all the time. Sirius hadn’t met anyone nice in years. And now that he was out of Azkaban, two demons were the nicest people he’d seen. That somehow didn’t sit right with him. 

Mr. Fell stood at the bathtub, outlined by the red glow of the heat lamp. Sirius had followed him, thinking the right moment to send him home would come up.

But this idiot just stood there, looking down on a sleeping demon. Finally, he bent over the tub, and with a gentle hand, very lightly stroked the sleeping figure from shoulder to toe. A warm blanket wrapped around the sleeping demon gently, not even waking him up.

Mr. Fell stood upright again. Had he trembled? He absolutely had, if you looked close enough.

Sirius watched him go back to the kitchen, sit down, entranced, miserable, wistful.

So that was what this was about. He’d been that way. Back then, when Remus had found out that Sirius liked him more than just as a friend, and suddenly, all the casual arms around shoulders, playfights, even the simplest touches had stopped happening, and Sirius would lay awake all night at those rare occasions that Remus made wooden, measured contact, wondering what he could do to stop burning for more.

“You can stay,” he said. “Overnight. To keep an eye on him. If you want.”

Mr. Fell nodded.

“Thank you.”

“You can sleep on the couch.”

“I don’t need sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always forgot mentioning! I'm on tumblr as afandomfarfaraway, for all my fandom stuff, and as redspritesky, if you have robust interest in linguistic, astronomy and mental health. I haven't started linking my fanfic on tumblr, but maybe I should. You can definitely come and message me there, and I'll reply as much or coherent as my spoon situation allows!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Sirius and Aziraphale have some time to relax. Aziraphale, like all angels not blighted with common sense, seems to think a man barely out of Azkaban must be in need of booze, but hey, they make it work! This chapter is for everyone who was waiting for Aziraphale and Sirius to make friends! (That includes me.)
> 
> Hope we didn't overlook too many mistakes, but both my beta reader and me have read this chapter too often to actually see it any more.

Sirius had sat on Harry’s bed until the boy was asleep. None of them would sleep on the roof tonight. Harry wanted to be closer to snake dad, and Sirius didn’t want to leave the other demon out of his sight for too long, so he sat on the couch next to Mr. Fell, but keeping some distance. Mr. Fell had covered the tv set with a blanket. So he knew that demon dad’s people could speak and watch through a screen. Of course he knew. Sirius had known and not thought about it, and now cursed himself for it. So much for being a decent protector.

Sirius sighed. It was pretty unlikely he’d get much sleep after a day like this. It was already late and he still felt wide awake. He could just as well sit here and glare at a demon. Since that was apparently now what his life was about.

Sirius had just sat down when Mr. Fell went to the kitchen again. Some demon obviously had a bit of a hot cocoa problem. Could be worse. He looked up when an empty glass was put in front of him and Mr. Fell dropped onto the other end of the couch, with a similar glass and a half-full bottle of scotch. 

Sirius shook his head when Mr. Fell wanted to fill his glass. “I haven’t drunk in a long time, Mr. Fell, I should take it slow.”

Mr. Fell snipped his fingers – his technique different from demon dad’s, now that Sirius started paying attention – and his glass was filled with a red liquid, some fruit and a little paper umbrella.

Mr. Fell stuck with scotch, and while he drank slowly, with pauses, he drank with determination. 

“You asked how many demons I’ve killed,” he said, not looking Sirius in the eye. “I think you deserve an answer.”

Sirius wasn’t certain he deserved anything, but he was aware it was a peace offer, and he was aware the dude was pretty frazzled right now and needed a bit of company.

Mr. Fell didn’t look very happy about the things he had decided to talk about, but it had been his own decision, so Sirius just waited. 

“I can’t tell you what my business with Crowley is, but I can give you an answer to that question, at least.”

He paused, sitting tense and upright, twirling the glass in both hands in front of his chest. “The answer is none, not a single one. I never had to kill a demon, I don’t even think I could,” he said, with a soft voice. “But I’m not trying to paint myself in a too rosy light, Mr. Crowley. I’ve spilled an extraordinary amount of angel blood. And I regret it.”

He paused, taking a hasty sip out of his glass, and Sirius just waited and listened. He wouldn’t have known what to say to that anyway. It was a very chilling thing to hear, from a friendly soft-eyed demon like Mr. Fell.

“I don’t know if you’re familiar with the origin of demons,” Mr. Fell started explaining, his eyes glossing over from what probably wasn’t scotch. “Demons were angels once. There was an uprising, and when Heaven tried to drive the rebels out, there was bitter resistance. Angels were killing angels.”

Mr. Fells voice became even softer now, and almost flat from lack of emotion. 

“I was given a weapon, and orders, and being young and naive, I followed them and I attacked many of what I still thought of as my siblings. I’ve never been the same again, I’ve never followed orders well ever since, and it’s a problem.”

Mr. Fell threw a guilty side-glance to Sirius.

“I probably shouldn’t say that, but I don’t think either side handled this well. Both sides spilled the blood of angels, and none of us should ever have done that. It’s terrible to look at a place where once were angels and find them gone. But of course it was the demons who got all the blame, and all the punishment.”

He emptied his glass, and reached for the bottle to refill it. 

“The next time I get orders to kill, I won’t know what to do,” he said, some color returning into his voice. “Things still need protecting. People still need protecting. I’m fairly certain I do know the difference between right and wrong, as muddled as it can get in daily life sometimes. I do try to do the right thing. I do try.

But I’ve done what I’ve done, it’s changed me, and it has made everything very difficult. It’s just so confusing, and Crowley is not helping. Precisely because he IS helping.”

Sirius lifted his glass for a silent cheer and tried his first sip. Nice, fruity, not too alcoholic.

“Does your side know you spy on him?”

“Vaguely. I’m officially encouraged to do so. My side might be under the impression that I do so from quite a bigger distance though.”

“I’m not going to tell them.”

“Thanks, Mr. Crowley.”

“Call me Sirius.”

“Aziraphale.”

“How did the two of you meet?” asked Sirius, who already felt very protective of these two, and was dying to hear this.

Aziraphale smiled. Finally, a smile. And it was beautiful.

“Oh, that was a long time ago. I had heard of him. I had been warned of him, I have to admit. Instructed to keep him away. Smite him on sight, probably, or any such thing. I was a bit less bookish in those days, more sword-ish, although I had already gotten terribly sick of it, seeing how all this violence had only served to make everything so much worse.

One day, he came over and talked to me, just like that. It was very awkward. I was honestly having a bit of a day, having gotten myself in some trouble, and he did his best to cheer me up. He made me smile, and it was very inappropriate. He can be very charming, you know. And I realized that while he had been described as cruel and destructive to me, that he wasn’t like that. Not at all. I liked him right away. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t help it. 

Since then, he’s always been trying to undo my work, get in my way, and then he taunts me about my failures, but you know, I could never be mad at him for it. There’s just something so very incorruptable about him, about his dedication to this world, about him and humans, about his moral core. It’s become very dear to me. I really shouldn’t say that, but… he’s been my only comfort through some very dark times. He looks out for me when no one else would. ”

Sirius had gone through dark times with very little comfort and was a bit jealous, but he understood. Had there been someone… had Remus still talked to him… had Barty jr. survived… who knew.

“I don’t know about him and humans,” he said, “But him and kids? You should see him with Harry. He’s amazing. Says it’s just his usual demonic skill set that he needs to do temptations. But it’s more than that. He does care. I’m very certain of that.”

“He cares about both of you,” said Aziraphale. “But he’s at his best around children, that’s true. It’s got nothing to do with temptations, I mean, I do the occasional temptation too, and I’m not good with children. But he’s always been so fond of them.”

He took another sip of his scotch. “All those innocent lives drowning in the Flood, how he cursed, while I didn’t have words. Never heard such profanity. He gaines powers through other people’s cruelty, but he’s not mad at humans for it. When it happens through… a higher power though, he can’t take it. Everyone thinks demons are the ones who love cruelty. When actually, they were the ones who rebelled against it. To no avail whatsoever, I might add.”

Sirius wasn’t sure he had understood all that, but it resonated with him. Maybe it was the fruity drink that made him talk, or seeing that the hobbit demon had a smiliar problem.

“Are you familiar with the recent Wizarding War, Aziraph… Aziraph-Fell?” He only now realized that the demon had such an obvious name. 

Aziraphale smiled when he stumbled over the name. “In passing, yes.”

“I’ve done things I regret in the Wizarding War,” said Sirius. “Doesn’t compare to an epic battle in Heaven, I’m aware. I’ve done the wrong things to terrible, cruel, dangerous people, but there would have been other things I could have done. Better things. Less deadly things. 

The thing about me getting a murder sentence is not that it’s wrong. I would have gone to Azkaban anyway, what gets me is just that they put me there for the one thing I haven’t done.

The thing about Azkaban is, few people survive their first year. The only ones that do have, what did you call it? An arrangement. You need the other inmates or you die. It doesn’t matter what put them there, it doesn’t matter if they tortured or killed your friends, your family, your world, these are now the only people you’ll ever see, and some of them want to live just as much as you do. 

All my arrangements in Azkaban were with Death Eaters. They did the wrong things, I did the wrong things, and has any one of us made the world a better place? Did there have to be a war? Look at what it cost us. We were so stupid. I regret the things I’ve done, but I don’t know what to do in the future either. 

What if there will be new Death Eaters in the future, who go around murdering people? Should I, who can kill with precision and without hesitation, go and murder them, to save innocent lives? What else am I going to do? Sit and watch them kill people? I can’t go and make friend with them, can I? Right now, I can’t even do anything for my friends in Azkaban, and even if I could – now that I’m back in the world, I have Harry. If I help a Death Eater now, I spit on the Potters. If I don’t, I spit on the people who kept me alive for the last eight years.

Lucky you if you still know right from wrong, Aziraphale. Because I don’t. The world has stopped making sense the moment the doors of Azkaban have closed behind me.”

Aziraphale needed a few moments to find an answer to that. He knew the answer. But it was difficult to put in words. It wasn’t something he usually talked about, and the words felt a bit alien on his tongue.

“I wouldn’t say you don’t know right from wrong. Realizing that the fronts don’t run along who’s allied with which side sounds to me like you’ve already got a good grasp of reality. It’s a humbling insight, I’ve always found. It certainly doesn’t make life easier. I can’t offer much in the ways of helpful insights here, I’m afraid. I find myself struggling with the complexity of the world just as much as you do.”

Sirius cheered to that. After that, they switched to lighter topics, like complaining about London and the modern life. That went rather well, as they found much they both had complaints about.

“And now I’m apparently a muggle,” Sirius growled. “Have you seen what they recently do with technology? And what are their laws even? I might have broken every one of them without knowing.”

“I can find some books to help you with that. Human law is complex, but in case of doubt, I’ll say that Crowley will find you good lawyers. But you don’t need to worry so much. It’s quite nice out there, in the muggle world, relatively peaceful. You can be safe there.”

“I never feel safe anywhere. You’re talking to the wrong person, Aziraphale. I’ve learned that you can lose everyone and everything from one moment to the next. This house, that you say is secured to the hilt, isn’t safe either. They took him right from under my nose, and I could do nothing. If they should come after Harry, what chance do we stand? Nothing is safe, not among wizards, not among demons, and I don’t trust muggles either.”

He didn’t expect Aziraphale to smile at that. “Don’t forget angels. They’re not to be trusted either.”

“Oh thanks, very helpful.”

“Sirius, you held on to your life and your core self among Dementors. I think there’s not much in this world that you need to fear. Everyone dies, everything ends. No one can promise you a safe tomorrow. But today, you’re alive, and it means a lot.”

“To people like you, who are eternal?”

Aziraphale was surprised for a moment, but then he nodded. “Yes. Whether a life is eternal or short, it’s still a full life. Lives don’t count less when they’re shorter.”

Interesting. Aziraphale considered himself alive. Demon dad had denied it.

“How do you deal with it? The difference in time frame?”

“It’s not really a big difference. Lives are made of moments, and a moment is a moment. Human lives are very rich.”

Sirius took another sip. “It’s difficult to believe. I see what you guys do with your powers, and it’s impossible not to feel completely humiliated by it.”

“Sirius, you need to be a bit more aware about your craft, and less about mine. As for that, I’ll definitely teach you how to handle summoning circles. I will not hear any complaints about it being the wrong kind of wizardry. I’m trying to help, Sirius.”

Sirius agreed it was a good idea. “Deal. But the moment you start teaching me coin tricks, I’m out.”

They both chuckled at that, and Aziraphale hurried to assure him he wasn’t going to waste his valued knowledge of stage magic on him, and he already had a student who was more than willing to delve into the classics.

“I have to ask, if you permit. What’s it like to be a Crowley?”

To his surprise, Sirius’ answer was quick and enthusiastic. “It’s pretty great!”

He followed up with an embarassed. “Considering the circumstances. I mean. Everything would be better than Azkaban. And demon dad’s actually really annoying. But the hellspawn thing? That’s nice.”

He could see that Aziraphale had doubts, so he explained.

“The Black family is bad news, they’ve always been pretty unpleasant. I never wanted to be a Black, and everytime I crossed the line and did the wrong thing, I felt like a double Black. Like I would never escape them. Now I’m demon spawn, and it might sound weird, but it is better than being a Black. It puts things into perspective. 

Better be lousy at really demonic things than a bit too good at the bad human stuff. And… as much as I dislike every single Black in existence, and as terrible as they were, they weren’t demons. No offense.”

“None taken.”

“So… I’d rather be a disappointment to Crowley dad than to Black dad.”

“You’re not a disappointment. He’s very proud of you.”

“I know. Each time I say something terrible, it puts him in a good mood. It’s really annoying. It’s not like I… like I try to be terrible.”

Mr. Fell smiled. “Yes, that sounds exactly like him.”

“Apparently, it’s in the contract that he has to raise Harry to be a good person, which is ridiculous, because Harry already is a good person. But he says he’s not going to have two good kids, so I’m the brat. I mean, I always was a brat, but really. I don’t like to get complimented on that by an actual demon.”

They continued like this for half the night. Sirius at a point fell asleep. He woke up a few times during the night, looking around panicked, but Aziraphale always sat there, reading a book, and Harry had at one point joined them on the couch, his colorful blanket wrapped around him. 

Sirius wouldn’t say he felt calm or slept well, but he did sleep, and nothing bad happened all night, and that was more than he could say about most of his nights in the last years, not to mention the last days. It was not the worst thing. They were alive, for now. It wasn’t nothing. Not at all.

He woke to the smell of coffee.

**Author's Note:**

> After re-reading the chapter, I realize how much I like it. There's just so much in this chapter that I'm glad I've had a chance to put it in there. Not sure if Aziraphale would already be this nuanced at this point in his life, but on the other hand, he's not stressed out right now, no one forces him to make hard choices. And maybe this night will add to him changing. He hasn't had a friend to talk about this before. I do plan on letting the story change both continuities. We'll see where this goes.


End file.
